One mean comment about this stupid Uber ad

 

Simply put, Uber Eats is the Online Gambling App of people addicted to processed food.  

You know, maybe having food delivered directly to your door, allowing you to skip the shopping and the prep and all that annoying moving around isn't the very best for you in the long run?  I mean, maybe go on Amazon and order a scale and a Fitbit and get your life under control before you're another statistic in America's losing war on obesity?  Just a thought. 

That depressing Best Buy "playground" commercial

 

1.  This kid is growing up believing that "going to the playground" means visiting Best Buy and playing video games.  It's nice that she's doing this with her dad (considering his girth, she should spend as much time with him as possible right now) but come on- playgrounds include swings and monkey bars and above all fresh air, none of which can be provided by Best Buy- except virtually, of course.

2.  This kid's social life must be really something.  She's never seen interacting with kids her own age because again, the "playground" is Best Buy.  This is sad.  I'm done now.  So glad I was born in the last century and not this one. 

The graveyards are filled with the "Brave"

 

Fortune might "favor the brave," but you know what favors your fortune?  Investing it in actual, physical assets and not imaginary (excuse me, "non-fungible") not-even-garbage-because-garbage-has-actual-potential-value "crypto currency."

Oh, but I'm sure Matt Damon is doing just fine.  He almost certainly got paid in that So Yesterday US Currency only scared little mice like me still use.  Neither of us is "brave" enough to get on board with crypto, right?

Larry David, FTX, and hating to say "I told you so."

 

It's been eight months since I snarked on this commercial* and the idea that if you are a crypto skeptic, well, you're just one of those losers who throughout history have slowed the wheels of progress, failed to jump on the bandwagon when they saw it leaving the station, and any other cliche' for not recognizing a great deal when it was right in front of you.  All being sold to us by comedians, quarterbacks, actors and other people who have proven time and time again that they'll put their face on any product that will hand them money in return.

Well, what do you know- the value of a single FTX token, $47 at the time this ad was warning people who were just trying to watch the Superbowl that their chance to get rich quick was fading fast, was at $2.06 at the close of business Friday.  I'm sure that Larry David, Matt Damon, Tom Brady etc. barely noticed, even if they were dumb enough to take their blood money in this particular crypto currency, because money is falling out of their ears and taking the gig was probably at least as much about keeping their faces in front of the viewers as it was about the salary.  But what about the Regular Guys out there who bought in last February, perhaps by liquidating part of their sluggish-but-stable 401(ks) or shifting investments away from those boring blue chip stocks in the hope of cashing in on this bright, shiny object which, after all, was legitimate enough to be advertised during the most expensive night for advertising on the calendar?  I mean, a fool and his money- I get it- but this isn't funny anymore, is it?

(Oh, but check the comments- I don't see a single person angry at Larry David for pitching this scam.  Instead, we see a lot of "Larry David was right!" posts from people who are either so dumb that they think Mr. David was warning us against crypto or are just engaged in schadenfreude.)

Meanwhile, I guess I was "like Larry" in one respect:  I said "no thanks" to the "opportunity" to be part of "history" and buy FTX crypto.  In another life, I imagine I skipped out on the chance to get a discounted berth on the Titanic, too.  Just a stick in the mud, I guess. 

*Here's the original post, from April: http://www.thecommercialcurmudgeon.com/2022/04/i-guess-chapter-where-larry-david.html

Hey Chase, could you please lose Kevin Hart for real?

 

Not only is Catherine O'Hara the only person in the world that has lost track of Kevin, she's the only person who would react to "losing" him with panic rather than grateful relief.  

Want to find Kevin Hart?  Just turn on your damn tv.  He's on every other freaking commercial these days.  By the time New Year's rolls around, we'll be begging him to get lost and stay lost.  Especially if we get any more of these twee "nostalgia" ads reminding us of crappy films from a generation ago we only enjoy if we associate the holiday season with parental neglect and "hilarious" scenes of cartoon pain. 

In the meantime- Kevin Hart?  Please, just get lost already.  And take that walking smarm-bot Jake from State Farm and Flo with you.  Enough is more than enough.

There is literally nothing to this Verizon ad

 

Every once in a while, I see a commercial so vapid, so content-free, that I'm convinced it was made to deprive me of an opportunity to snark on it.  This is one of those ads, but I'm going for it anyway.

This ad is not necessary.  We see the phrase "for our loyal customers" posted everywhere all the time but we who live in the real world of consumers know that compared to potential customers, "loyal customers" are the dirt under the shoe of a company intern.  The first idiot actually thinks that he got a deal for his family - free iPhones, which is basically like thanking the dealer down the street for hooking his family up with deep-discount heroin- because he's a long-time customer.  He's stunned to find out that the even blander white family he apparently didn't notice was standing a few feet from his that they, too, got free iPhones even though they are brand new customers (the wife from central casting says they got free phones "even though ours were busted."  Huh- so you already had iPhones, but they were all broken, but you were holding on to them anyway, huh?  This is so plausible.)

The only slightly remarkable thing about this ad is that the family which is surprised by the generosity of Verizon is black, and the "you're nothing special, we got the same deal" family that puts them in their place is white.  These days, I'd expect exactly the opposite.  But that being said, all of these sad, phone-addicted morons should feel free to die in a terrible fire now for wasting my time.

A quick, mean take on this Domino's "Leftovers" ad

 

I have to assume that this ad is meant to convince single people that they have a reason to take advantage of Get Two for a One Low Price deals by pointing out something we already know- that if we can't eat it all in one sitting, we'll have leftovers we can eat the next day.  We were also already aware that quality pizza tastes fine warmed up- not sure what this has to do with Domino's, but there it is. 

But jeesh, maybe showing a morbidly obese woman in her robe all hyped to start her day with leftover grease, starch and carbs isn't the best selling point you could have come up with, Domino's.  This woman isn't anyone I want to emulate, thanks anyway.  She should NOT be starting her day with a low-fiber, low-protein chunk of white bread slathered with sugary sauce unless her goal is to be ravenously hungry all day.  Just sayin'.