Tom Brady, FTX and another commercial that aged like fine milk.

 

It's just way too easy to snark on the collapse of FTX, Tom Brady's marriage, and Tom Brady's career (the Bucs may very well miss the playoffs altogether) over the past 11 months since this ad first aired.  I am not even going to point out the ridiculous palace of a house, or the fact that Brady supposedly learns about the crypto currency "opportunity" that his wife is looking into by reading her phone screen from ACROSS THE ROOM and is "in" approximately six seconds later. *

In fact, I'm not going to talk about this particular ad at all.  Because that's just way too easy and it's been done already, including by me. 

Instead, I'm going to be my cynical best and suggest that the best indicator of how well my fellow countrymen will learn their lesson from the collapse of the scam FTX always was is the comment sections of multiple "what happened to FTX" videos currently popping up at the rate of a few dozen per day on YouTube:  At least half the comments I've read so far are endorsements for some other token purchasing platform which is, or soon will be, EXPLODING IN VALUE so we'd BETTER GET IN RIGHT NOW before we LOSE OUT.  You know, like Tom Brady was being scolded by his soon-to-be-ex wife to GET IN on FTX because hey, neither his football career nor her modeling career was going to last forever and it's not like they have enough money to live very lavish lifestyles for the next several centuries already.   The reaction of many YouTubers to the FTX collapse reminds me of people who get burned by Multi-Level Marketing scams and respond by looking for another one to invest in- "my experience with Amway was horrible, but I'm in a much better place now.  Do you have a few minutes to let me tell you about Herbalife?"

*in real life, Brady's "I'm in" would be correctly translated into "yeah whatever, I'm not walking all the way over there to look at your phone, I'm too busy looking at my phone, do whatever you want."  And in real life, a casual observer would see that this marriage was in trouble.   But I'm not going there. 

Depressing MetaQuest Ad reminds me of why I'm sometimes glad that I'm old

 

I remember when I was a little kid seeing an older kid in my neighborhood throw a baseball into the air and call out "Mantle's under it...and he makes the catch!" as the ball slapped down hard into his glove.  I remember playing backyard football and thinking "here's Grogan back to pass- he's got a receiver open!"

I know that there are kids out there today who dream of being a great baseball, football, or basketball player, and some of them feed that dream with intense practice and coaching.  A lot more just have a lot of fun playing with their friends and imagining the cheering crowds without really expecting any of it to manifest in reality- but they are outside, connecting with friends, getting exercise, having fun.

This stupid doofus wants to be the starting Quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys right now- and he's going to pretend to be just that by-- putting on a VR set and, well, doing basically absolutely nothing else.  Doesn't even have to get out of bed.  

Life was better back then.  Didn't even need fancy electronics.  And did I mention the exercise and connecting with friends and having fun while being outside?  There was that, too. 

This Wendy's Santa Claus Commercial is an overdose of Cringe.

 

1.  We've got no fewer than FIVE employees at this Wendy's with nothing to do but stare at an obese old man just trying to enjoy the last few minutes of his life consuming a cup of frozen candy in peace.  Despite the fact that they are Adults, I think we're supposed to believe that they are debating as to whether or not the old guy is, um, Santa Claus.  

Again, this is happening at a Wendy's restaurant where I guess nobody is online, nothing is on the grill, and there is absolutely nothing for any of these FIVE EMPLOYEES* to do other than to speculate that one of their customers is the physical manifestation of a fairy tale.  

2.  In one of the most uncomfortable things I've ever seen in a tv commercial (and MAN is that saying a lot), one of the employees walks up to the old man and proceeds to SIT ON HIS LAP because yeah there's nothing at all creepy or intrusive about that.  I mean, can we try to picture this happening in the real world for a second?  Fat senior citizen with a white beard is just minding his own business waiting for his heart to finally explode at his local Wendy's when he's suddenly assaulted by an obviously mentally stunted employee.  The natural follow up to this Hi-LARIOUS moment is this young employee's firing and arrest, and a nice big FAT lawsuit against Wendy's when it's revealed that the kid they obviously hired as part of some social uplift program was put up to molesting a customer by his fellow workers.  

None of this is funny or heartwarming or anything really other than really stupid and more than a little gross.  Oh, and very very cringe-worthy, as the title suggests.  If you haven't caught this one yet, I have to warn you in advance that you won't be able to Unsee the Wendy's Monkey attempting to give Santa a lap dance.  You're welcome, and Happy Holidays.

*of the five employees we see, one looks like a woman in her 20s, one looks like a woman in her 30s, one looks like a white male in his thirties, one looks like a white male in his 40s or early 50s, and there's one black male who looks to be around 40.  Thing is, the average fast food worker in the United States is a 24 year old white woman, so the lame attempt to present diversity here falls flat on its face.  Like the rest of the ad. 

Domino's "buy garbage get garbage free" offer, and fun with the Food Pyramid

 

...because what more could you want with your order of cheap bread, cheese and sauce in the shape of a saucer than another order of cheap bread and cheese- hey, we'll even throw in some dipping sauce!- on the side?

And if the pizza-in-another-form doesn't serve your addiction to processed, fatty, sugary garbage, well, here's some bite-sized chocolate-y goo things- at least, I think that's what it is.  Domino's just refers to it here as "something else."  Which is at least honest- yeah, I can't come up with labels for what are basically leftovers from the pizza creation process repackaged into free* crap Domino's will give you along with your box of warm non-nutrition.  Anything to keep you coming back to this particular Diabetes Promotion Facility instead of Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, McDonald's, Burger King, etc. etc. ETC. 

*free if you ignore the billions of dollars in federal subsidies given to the wheat, corn (and corn sugar) and dairy (here's an idea- don't just put cheese ON the pizza!  Put it IN the pizza!  And put it in something called "cheesy bread" and and sell or give that away as a "side."  

(I keep remembering a page from my science textbook back in High School which included the "Food Pyramid" which was promoted by the federal government after WWII as a way of propping up Agribusiness.  Even then I thought that the pyramid promoted the consumption of a ridiculous amount of food- 

I mean, seriously.  Six servings of rice, pasta, cereal, and/or bread every day?  Three servings of milk, yogurt and/or cheese every day?  Who needs to eat meat twice a day?  And how does one eat cereal six times a day but also "use sweets sparingly?"  Oh, and I also remember this line on the same page:  "Of course, milk should be your drink at every meal."  Um, WHY?  Why would ANYONE need to drink that much MILK?  Not to mention that if people drink three glasses of milk a day, why would they also need to take calcium and Vitamin D supplements?  So Big Pharma was in on this with Big Agriculture?

Point of Personal Privilege: This New York Times article on why certain people are not re-entering the job market.

 

Why Are Middle-Aged Men Missing From the Labor Market?

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/12/02/business/economy/job-market-middle-aged-men.html?smid=url-share

I hope you'll indulge me as I take a break from trashing bad commercials to trash bad news articles, I promise my dozens of readers that it won't be a permanent thing.

1.  When the hell did 35 to 44 become "middle-aged?"  I feel personally attacked by this definition.  From my mail I know that AARP considers me a prime target for obvious scammers- not to mention someone in the market for a Jitterbug Phone, comfy slippers and an even more comfortable coffin- but I'm not a senior citizen!  So if I'm too old to be "middle-aged" and too young to be a senior, what the heck am I?  I mean, besides a cynical chronic complainer (oh wait, maybe I am a senior....)*

2.  This line:  "(Many of these unemployed men) are looking for flexibility and higher pay.  The ability to work from home three days a week, or have a four-day weekend- things that other jobs haven't figured out- aren't possible for those types of occupations."  

So the reason thirtysomething (excuse me, "middle aged") men aren't re-entering the work force is because they want a job that pays them a living wage while they work from home three days a week and/or enjoy a four-day weekend?  Well, I guess that makes sense, if the generation being called "middle-aged" is the children of baby boomers- you know, those lazy twats who want to start at the top because they were spoiled with participation trophies, or something.  Of course they want to work from home in their pajamas and have very long weekends, and of course they aren't going back to work until they can get them because....

3.  There's this "FIRE" trend that I didn't know about, FIRE standing for Financial Independence, Retire Early.  So a lot of these- um- "middle aged" men aren't rejoining the work force because they don't have to.  They made their money, and decades before they can start collecting Social Security benefits or go on Medicare, they are already out of the rat race.  If this is a serious option for a significant population of men, what are boomers complaining about again?  Sounds like these guys hustled early and are living the dream.  I wouldn't mind being retired, and I'm - um- a few years removed from the 44 year cut-off when I apparently stopped being "middle-aged" and became a decrepit, grandchildren-obsessed, huge clunky phone-using perpetual scam victim.  Why are we even talking about people who don't work anymore because they don't have to?  Who cares about them?  And while we're at it, why do we care about anything other than the fact that kids won't stay off my lawn?

*or maybe, I'm just a boomer?  
 

Small Business Saturday: please, tell me why I was supposed to care. Because I just don't get it.

 

I have yet to hear a coherent argument as to why I should give a tinker's damn about any small business.  In my experience (which is to say, from a careful viewing of thousands of ads like this and a careful listen given to thousands more on the radio) I am now convinced that 99.9 percent of these small businesses are vanity projects launched by people motivated by nothing more than a determination not to admit ever that they are just like the rest of us and need to get a job and stop pretending that they are the next Steve Jobs with their Karen's Kwirky Kupcakes and Koffee or Betty's Bedding or Jack and Diane's Toyz for your Totz or WHATEVER.   I swear, if I hear another "I started my business roasting coffee in my garage" or "I decided to take my passion for creating Walmart-level jewelry to the next level" story I'm going to just lose it. 

But hey, if you want to throw your ego energy into a small business, please, go for it.  Just don't bitch at me that you "can't" provide a decent wage, or health care, to your "employees who are just like family," because it's not all about sticking your name on a sign and waiting for the money to roll in.  And it's not a reason why I should support you.  Neither is "because I'm small and local," because so are tics and cholera, and I don't support them, either.

Mom and Crown Royal? What, flowers aren't a thing anymore?

 

So this is a guy who "has it all," including a mom who taught him to appreciate all the finer things in life.  Especially drinking Crown Royal Whiskey in the middle of the afternoon.  Lovely.

Seriously, what else am I supposed to get out of this ad?  The guy buys a bottle of whiskey.  He's got a big smile on his face as he greets the world, walking through town toward his mother's very substantial urban apartment where he finds her home in the middle of the day.  He salutes her with a glass of whiskey- "to the best mom in the world."  Because the best mom in the world definitely appreciates a bottle of whiskey from her son, especially if they can open it right then and there and start imbibing. 

What am I missing here?  Every Crown Royal Whiskey commercial is this level of Depressing- we see people sitting around drinking this stuff and it's supposed to be heartwarming or comforting or something.  What exactly is comforting about hard liquor being consumed IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FREAKING DAY?  What do these people do AFTER they've had their glass of whiskey?  Take a heartwarming nap at the table, or on the sofa (if they can get to it,) or on the floor (if they can't?)  Does the young man in this ad really have "fond" memories of Mom and her Crown Royal Whiskey at the kitchen table and how sometimes she couldn't get up without help or slept all the next day because she "didn't feel well?"  All the times the young man had bread and peanut butter for dinner because mom was having One of Those Days?  Or maybe it was the Crown Royal that got mom through the Tough Times and mellowed her out, which is why the young man feels so happy about bringing her Another Bottle to Lighten her Load?

Whatever it is, I fondly remember when we just didn't have ads like this on tv because there were laws against promoting hard liquor that made sense.  Then the Free Speech Advocates decided that they were losing too much money not reaching enough potential addicts and got their lobbyists to work to demand their sacred right to peddle poison during football games and at all other times.  I don't think we live in a better place as a result.