Snapchat's dark vision of our future

 

Or you could, you know, just go out and meet actual human people and have actual face-to-face conversations with them instead of spending another year obsessed with your stupid electronic drug of choice.  Just a thought.

I really, really hate these Wendy's ads

 

You raised a guy who looks like he's approaching middle-age and not only works at the local Wendy's, but spends a ridiculous amount of time either waxing poetic about the "food" he sells or playing with it.

Maybe you made good French Toast, lady, but you probably should have let the feral cats living behind the dumpster outside the 7-11 manage the education of your son.  He's a pretty sad case, overall.  And if you don't believe me, I guess you weren't around when he was convinced that the fat customer- no, the fat customer with a beard- no, that PARTICULAR fat customer with a beard- was Santa Claus.  Or that other time he was gazing at stretchy cheese like a baby fascinated with car keys.  Maybe next time get that lead paint scraped from the living room wall BEFORE you get pregnant.  Just a bit of free advice,  no need to thank me.

Another of these painfully predictable "red flag review" commercials

 

Since the guy's wife isn't there to be right, we all know the kid is going to turn out to be right.  I mean, an adult male hasn't won an argument in a tv commercial since at least the 1990s. 

Just ONE of these red-flag replay commercials which shows an adult male winning a challenge against a woman or a child.  Just ONE.  PLEASE.  I DARE you!

Verizon's latest stupid ad manages to humiliate two people- one dead, one alive- at the same time.

 

Congratulations, Verizon.  You managed to turn one of the greatest minds of the 20th (and any other) century) into a Wacky Clueless German Scientist ("Kaput?"  Really?) AND an Oscar-nominated actor into a straight man for some ridiculous "actress" I guess I'm supposed to know but haven't a clue.  I know for sure she isn't Paul Giamatti. 

Can someone explain to me what kind of person is convinced to buy ANYTHING through caricatures of famous, respected figures from history?  Am I the only person on the planet who is sick to death of seeing groundbreaking geniuses in the fields of politics (Lincoln, Jefferson, Franklin etc.) and mathematics (Einstein) being used to sell everything from cars to beer by tasteless, shameless corporations?

And by the way- did every big star from Jamie Foxx to Paul Giamatti secretly lose all their money in the crypto crash, or what?  Why are they stooping so low they'd beat a caterpillar in a limbo contest every time I turn on my TV?

Pizza Hut's latest Artery-Melting offering to a society too eager to die

 

Hey look, it turns out that people who are paid to promote Pizza Hut's latest Diabetes Delivery System are willing to eat it in public, go figure. 

I think someone could do a clever version of this ad in which the pretty, slim girl who has inexplicably got herself addicted to highly-processed empty carbs and sugar (which doesn't even taste good) keeps bumping into future versions of herself which are morbidly obese, reliant on scooters, maybe carrying around their own canned oxygen, and are on a pharmacy's worth of drugs in order to control their cholesterol and blood sugar among all of the other problems that started to gather when she first decided to commit suicide in slow motion.  

And as for that clown in the taxi (or maybe I'm being a Boomer here, and it's an Uber)- dude, just stop.  We get it.  All you eat is Pizza Hut products which, because we don't really have Truth in Advertising laws anymore, can be sold as "food" over the airwaves (come to think of it, I don't think the word "food" is ever mentioned in any fast "food" commercial.  Am I wrong about those Truth in Advertising laws?)  You've long since stopped listening to your body which has been begging for mercy for years now.  You live in a country where more than half of the citizens are fat and more than one-third are obese, so you fit (pardon the pun) right in.  You aren't special.  You're just sad. 

The common, but weird, language in this Cymbalta commercial

 

Cymbalta is "not approved for children under the age of 18."  Fortunately for me- maybe- it is approved for children over the age of 18.  If it improves my current conditions, I'll be grateful to one doctor but very, very irritated with another.  Like, these commercials have been running for years.  Why didn't you suggest I try it?

Domino's Shock "Value"

 

1.  No one ordering two carb 'n sugar pies from America's favorite starch bin is going to notice what the delivery monkey is driving.  Nobody who eats this slop gives a damn.  I'm willing to bet that 90 percent of pizza is delivered in the evening hours- and nobody is peering into the dark street to see what Delivery Boy is driving.  Nobody.  Cares.

2.  If you regularly order two $6.99 "pizzas" from your nearest franchised pig trough, you might indeed be in for a shock.  It's called a heart attack.  And of all the tragedies in the world, I'm trying to imagine one more pointless than a heart attack brought on by cheap processed Fat in a Box.  Nothing is coming to mind.