Tonya, Mom of 9, is a selfish moron.

 

"Hey kids?  I have an important announcement to make.  As the 42-year old mother of 9, responsible for your care, I have decided to make a major decision concerning my health."

"Yay mom!  We know you can do it!  We are behind you one hundred percent!"

"That's so sweet, and I haven't even told you what I am going to do yet."

"Well, it's no mystery!  We want you to know that we'll pick up the slack no matter how many nights you want to go to the gym, and we are totally on board with tossing out all of the junk snacks we've had in the cupboards and want to eat balanced, healthy meals right along with you!  We're all in this together!"

"Um...no, I'm not talking about weight loss.  I'm talking about getting Botox injections."

"What?  Those really expensive injections that have all kinds of dangerous complications?  You're going to do that to...get rid of a few wrinkles?  But what about all that excess adipose tissue that's pressing up against your heart, is hormonally active, and is opening you up to all kinds of serious health issues that might leave us without a mom?"

"Yes, those injections!  Isn't that exciting?  I'm going to look exactly the same, except younger!  And I'm even going to do an ad for them when I'm done!"

"You know, Weight Watchers hires people to do ads too...so does Planet Fitness..."

"Yep, I'm going to look at least ten years younger!  So exciting!  Finally, I'm doing something for ME!"

Bell & Howell solves another problem we didn't know we had....

 

What I love about all Not Available in Stores products - and they do all have this in common- is that they are all sold with the exact same pitch:  "Here's a minor inconvenience enormous hassle you never knew you had have always suffered with that we have a stupid gimmick miracle cure for!"  

In this case, the "incredible breakthrough technology" is a built-in vacuum cleaner for an electric razor.  Because we've all received tongue-lashings from our Significant Others who insist on standing next to us as we shave, just waiting to jump down our throats as soon as they realize that we aren't catching our facial hair as it falls off our faces (I understand this is the third-leading cause of divorce in the United States, after drug abuse and financial stress.)  And it's always such a hassle to get that hair out of the sink, if only there was a simple way to transport water to such places, I bet that would do the trick (and I'm totally flummoxed by the demonstration of the power of the vacuum razor thing here- why is there hair in the sink to pick up with the vacuum razor?  Either it didn't work properly, or this guy used a REGULAR electric razor to shave, made a mess in the sink, and then just used the vacuum razor device to clean up the hair....a level of Stupid which I believe in the fourth-leading cause of divorce in the United States....I might be wrong about that....)

Third Way "Health" with Garlique.

 

"I have high cholesterol.  I figured I can worry about it, I can do something about it- or I can pretend to do something about it by going down the Holistic BS aisle at my local grocery store and picking up a box of Pretend Medicine like Garlique.

"Since I don't really care about my health, and I have zero respect for 21st century science, I'm going to take Garlique and con myself into thinking I'm doing something of value.  Why I, an educated, middle-class white American with health insurance, is doing something this stupid is like asking why I haven't given my kids the phony Instant Autism Chinese/Hillary/Biden Plandemic Jab and refused to wear a mask in 2020 or 2021.  Why should I?  I have an immune system, sheeple!"

Three Unfounded Rumors about this Kars4Kids commercial

 

1.  That the radio version of this commercial has caused more car accidents than overindulgence in alcohol.

2.  That all of the kids included in this ad were personally donated by their parents, who quickly changed their own last names and moved out of town without leaving any forwarding address.

3.  That 80 percent of the people who call Kars4Kids are disappointed to learn that the exchange does not work both ways. 

The sad truth about 2011's "Moneyball"

 

1.  It's the heartwarming story about how a few statisticians with a dream transformed baseball from a game of inches into a game of computer-generated statistics and analytics-obsessed number crunchers.  In other words, about how two nerds turned the greatest game ever invented into a spreadsheet, leading to more intentional walks, overshifts, and pitch counts than any of us who grew up with baseball in the 20th century care to count.  

2.  It's also the amazing story of how the same two nerds turned a small-market baseball team that used to win World Series into one that could accomplish the amazing task of pretty much never making the playoffs anymore on an even smaller budget using those aforementioned "analytics."  I mean, it's pretty remarkable how far the A's have gone with so little money in the 21st century, isn't it?  Surely their empty trophy case is the envy of every other team in baseball.  Whatever. 

Die Hard 2 Never Made Any Sense!

 

1.  So the plot involves a drug dealing Central American general/gangster/whatever being extradited to the United States, and a terrorist group's plan to rescue him as he arrives at Dulles Airport in Northern Virginia (Washington, DC suburbs.)  Ok- I've seen this film at least a dozen times (I managed a video rental store in DC when it was released on VHS and it was a popular title to show on the store's tv) and I still don't really understand how the bad guys could be so stupid in so many ways.  First, their plan involves seizing control of one of the largest airports in the United States, which in turn involves hiring dozens and dozens of mercenaries who are embedded into American SWAT teams- what kind of long con is this?  Second, the plan is "successful" when they get the general on board a plane and take off from Dulles- but why do they think they are safe at this point?  Why don't they think they'll be forced down by a military jet as soon as they are over open water?  Can someone explain this to me?

2.  The plan gets messed up right away when John McClane asks for I.D. and gets shot at instead.  So if these brilliant terrorist masterminds had just remembered to fake a few airport I.D.'s, the plan would have worked to perfection....so they never imagined that at any point anyone would ask to see I.D's, or figured if anyone did, they'd just open fire....what the hell.....

3.  A major plot point is that a dozen or so jumbo jets are circling Dulles throughout the entire film, unable to land because of weather conditions and Other Reasons.  These jets are running out of fuel as they circle, and ultimately come in - we are told by one pilot- "on fumes."  But why do they spend hours circling Dulles when there are a dozen airports in the vicinity perfectly capable of accommodating jets of that size; locally there's Reagan National and BWI, but let's assume the blizzard is also impacting those airports.  Just up the coast there's Philly JFK and LaGuardia and Newark and Logan.  Off to the west there's Pittsburgh.  To the south there's Charlotte.  Cleveland, Detroit, and Chicago are all closer than the "hours" the planes are pointlessly circling Dulles as they run out of fuel.  There's even Andrews,* which is big enough to handle Air Force 1 so is certainly capable of handling any passenger jet. I mean, this is really dumb- the movie wants us to pretend that if the planes can't land at Dulles, they are going to crash.  

I actually liked this movie better than the first Die Hard film- and it's the last of the Die Hard films I liked at all.  But man it asks the audience to suspend a lot of disbelief, especially if you live in the DC area like I did.  

*speaking of which, why is a general/gangster/drug mastermind entering the United States at a freaking civilian airport in the first place?

Taco Bell: Never has $5 cost so much.

 

Even if you down this warm toxic sludge with a diet soda, you're still satisfying your "craving" (not "hunger"*) with roughly 1000 calories of nutrient-deficient grease, cheese and empty carbs.  Meanwhile your heart is busy craving relief from your brain's cravings, you've once again trained yourself to respond to any notion that you haven't eaten for several minutes by piling in the cheapest, most palatable junk available, and you've gulped down something that is just going to make you sluggish and sad if not downright exhausted (just in time to hit up Starbucks for a sugar rush!) within minutes after hitting the bloodstream.  

Yeah, looks so much fun.  Especially when we get still shot after still shot of people jamming this poison into their face holes.  Thanks, Taco Bell, for remaining a great big part of the problem.

*as if there is any difference between "craving" and "hunger" in America today.  Most of us walk around dehydrated and confuse thirst with hunger, so why not just confuse cravings with hunger as well?  After all, this slop is cheap and available within two or three miles of pretty much everyone in the United States- if not Taco Bell specifically, some other sugar and fat merchant ready to take your order.   F--k your heart; what has it done for you lately?