One Shining Moment Cringe, this time compliments of AT&T

 

The "One Shining Moment" song is so played, it's become the second biggest irritant of the tournament.  A nice, uplifting, catchy little tune in 1987, it's been beaten to death each March and to tell you the truth, it doesn't age well and it's actually kind of an annoyance, especially when the people on tv sing it as if the song has exactly three words.

The BIGGEST irritant is commercials featuring people who obviously couldn't give one fat rat ass's damn about college basketball except when it's time to appear in a tie-in ad.*  Like, get lost Lilly, and take your poser friends with you.  Your charm wore out at least five years ago.  Why are you still around?  Oh, right- because concepts must be beaten to death and burned to the ground, and then their ashes must be beaten to death. 

*I'd really like to know which college Lilly is giving a fist-pump for, considering her Alma Mater didn't come anywhere close to making the NCAA Tournament this year, and in fact hasn't earned a seeding since 2019....

Endurance is what you'll need if you ever deal with these Scammers

 

99 times out of 100, the "Check Engine" light means that, according to the Odometer, it's "time" to get your oil changed.  This doesn't mean that your oil needs to be changed, just that your car has a little device which turns on the "check engine" light every 3000 miles.  The device is reset by the guy with the eighth-grade education at Jiffy Lube who is already angry at you because you didn't fall for the "full service package" which includes transmission flushes and overpriced windshield wipers and blinker light fluid and a new air filter Because Look How Dirty Yours Is.  

If you aren't in the mood to hand Jiffy Lube five hundred dollars when you just went in for their $39 oil change which has never ever cost anyone only $39, here's another way to throw away your money- buy "warranty" coverage from scummy scammers like Auto Shield or this Endurance place.  Pretty much the only honest part of this commercial is when they tell you that there will be "no checks in the mail"- yeah, I'm sure anyone who has ever been unfortunate enough to get suckered in by your pitches knows this already.  All of the checks go in one direction for these grifters- from your account to theirs. 

All covered repairs will be covered by their coverage, they promise with complete honesty.  What repairs are covered?  They'll let you know when you need them, at which point the answer will be Not That One.  100 times out of 100, you are far better off just creating a rainy day fund to deal with car repairs.  Stay away from these clowns.  And Jiffy Lube, unless you go in with the steely resolve to insist on an Oil Change and nothing but an Oil Change No I Don't Need My Tires Rotated or Re-Aligned Thank You Very Much Mr. Works On Commission and that's Not My Problem.

Engaging with the Gecko/Geico Fantasy Universe for a Moment....

 

So the Geico Gecko is having a yard sale, but it looks as though he's just holding the sale as a way to draw more customers to the services offered by his employer, Geico Insurance.  He's able to do this because a young couple admiring a tiny piece of furniture chirpily comment that they own a new home.  I've been to enough yard sales to know that mentioning how a particular piece of junk would look good in a New Home I Just Bought will naturally bring a sales pitch for homeowner's insurance, so this is super-realistic even if it does include a CGI lizard with an Australian Accent.

Also seems to me that if a tiny rocking chair would be "perfect" for their new home, pretty much everything else being sold by this lizard would also look perfect, because this particular couple intends to decorate their home with tiny furnishings.  To each his own, I guess.  I must say they were quite lucky to stumble into this particular yard sale;  in my previously mentioned extensive lawn sale experience, I've rarely found such a large collection of miniatures as this one has.  Aren't a whole lot of CGI Geckos out there holding yard sales?

Here's a universal rule about these sales, though:  The item is not for sale because it's on the lawn, it's on sale if the owner says it is.  The tables the items are on are also on the lawn; doesn't mean they are for sale.  The stupid talking lizard and the couple themselves are on the lawn; probably neither are for sale.  Don't think you're going to call a cop and an attorney even if a tagged item is withdrawn from sale.  These people are throwing weight around they simply don't have.  Why am I overthinking this?  Shut up, that's why. 

QuickIdea: GET A JOB!

 

"When I started my (insert ego fantasy here) company, I thought it would be fun.  I mean, I'd be a boss and wouldn't answer to anyone and I'd order other people around and my name would be on the front of the building and I'd be able to show the world how I was much, much better than those losers who go out and work a 9-to-5 job for someone else, the losers!"

"Then I realized that owning a business involved numbers and accounts and employees and insurance and salespeople and vendors and customers who didn't constantly kiss my butt or thank me for reinvigorating the local economy and all that stuff and it turned into a big headache."

"So I was faced with a serious choice:  either go out and get a real job like an actual adult and admit that nobody gives a damn about (insert ego trip here,) or get Quickbooks and be able to pretend I'm Super Special and waaaaay too good for one of those Job things for a few more months before reality hits me in the face like a frozen halibut and I have to face the reality that...well, I think I made that pretty clear at the beginning of this paragraph, didn't I?"

Just don't confuse "Permission" with "Forgiveness"

I give the cops permission to pull this guy over for being a complete and total douchenozzle and use all the pepper spray and electrodes available to put him on the pavement for recklessly crashing through the barrier because he "forgot to get his ticket validated."

I give the poor guy at the booth permission to take this guy's cellphone and just toss it on the road behind the car for wasting his time and making him consume both gas fumes and the sound of the driver's voice; I honestly don't know which one is more noxious or headache-inducing. 

I give the driver in the car behind them permission to run over the phone that is now on the road in front of him.  And then to back up and run over it again.  

I forgive absolutely no one associated with the making of this travesty. 

Coke Zero's Contribution to an old commercial trope.

 

Does this Coke Zero commercial seem familiar to you?  It should, because it uses the same "duel for the last item" bit that has been a staple of tv ads since "Leggo My Eggo" polluted the screen more than forty years ago.  That Eggo commercial never made the slightest sense, as the nasty frozen waffle thing popping out of the toaster clearly belonged to whoever put it in the damn toaster- I mean, that was obvious when I was ten years old, it's obvious now.  

This one makes a LITTLE more sense, because that Coke Zero is sitting in a convenience store cooler (I know that if I want to increase my chances of bumping into famous people, I hang out at convenience stores) and does not yet belong to anyone.  What DOESN'T make sense is that it's sitting on a shelf and not one of those sliding things that Every Actual Convenience Store on the Planet uses (there's another Coke Zero ad that shows bottles just sitting on a similar shelf- again, this doesn't happen either.)  What also doesn't make any sense is that these people are fighting over the last can (shaking it up in the process) while I'd just let the other person take it- I mean, if this is a typical convenience store, it's main clientele (other than mega-rich retired sports superstars) are rather sketchy types who have probably put their fingerprints all over that can and put it back in favor of another can...sorry, but there's usually a REASON why there's one left of any particular item.  I'm not taking the last doughnut, I'm not taking the last bag of chips, I'm not taking the last can of a particular brand of soda.  It's been rejected too many times. 

Plus, it's Coke Zero for Chrissakes.  It's not that special.  And it's probably available from the freaking soda fountain anyway.  This commercial makes my brain hurt. 

Taco Bell's "The Hang" commercial is just an annoying 20 seconds of Dumb.

 

"The hang."  Because Taco Bell is down with the young people, yo. 

I'm going to set aside the fact that this commercial gave me a headache the one and only time I even tried to watch it.  All of these stupid pictures of people with their "food" (actually, it would be more accurate to say they are pictures of food, with people in the background) acting as if this greasy nutrition-deficient garbage is something to celebrate flashing on the screen made me legitimately queasy as well.  Not as queasy as I'd get if I actually tried to ingest any of this cheap heart disease booster, but probably pretty close.

Know what else made me ill?  Scrolling through the comments.  Yeah, that's some...um...."song" you've come up with here, Taco Bell.  It's a real winner- to the glue-sniffing bots who post compliments like these like puppies begging for attention and treats.  So much a winner that they are falling all over themselves to praise it.  Because they have nothing better to do, I guess.  What I don't see is any praise for the junk they sell at Taco Bell.  I wonder why that is.