Ode to Obesity, Ode to Jardiance

 

"I love my magic Jardiance and I feel Swell

Just pop a pill and then I'm off to Taco Bell!

Comfy in my body livin' life my way

Ordered a life-sized poster of Tess Holliday

Think my yellow dress is hot this is so fun

though some may think I look like I'm a second sun

It took two days for me to film this stupid ad

Stopped every fifteen seconds 'cause my feet swelled bad

Hey kids just keep on eating you can be like me

By twelve you'll lose control of your A1C 

Be pre-diabetic before you reach High School

The BMI is full of crap the "O-word's" Cool

Fatphobic doctors tell me I could just lose weight

I tell 'em "it's genetic" and it's all just Fate

Look I'm a dancin' icon and I'm havin' fun

don't wanna use the stairs and never wanna run

Gyms are all so toxic so I stay away

all gym-bros got EDs and steroids anyway

The thins they all will hate me but I got no ears

for their "we get picked on too" yeah f--k your skinny tears

You get on all the park rides and doctors treat you reals 

and your BS "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"

But we'll survive the famine 'cause we got the genes

and you skinnies soon will learn what real oppression means

You can deny it all you want but you know its true

Body Positivity was never meant for you

But back to the point, Jardiance is great

It cares how I feel, not what I ate. 

Downy's Rinse and Refresh ad featuring the Backstreet Boys- because, well, why not?

 

When I first saw this ad, I thought that the concept of laundry was completely foreign to this woman and that she was legitimately confused when it was suggested to her that she might be able to do something with a dirty, smelly shirt other than just toss it away; you know, like actually clean it.

Then I realized that no, it's not that she doesn't do laundry and just chucks away her clothes after wearing them once- it's that the particular shirt she's going on about is so old that it's clinging to odors.  First, is this a thing?  Do clothes actually become resistant to cleaning as they get older?  I've never heard of such a phenomenon.  Second, if it's not a thing, what on Earth is the owner of that shirt doing to make it so damned smelly that repeated cycles through the washing machine won't get the odors out?  I'm legitimately curious.  I don't think she'd be wearing that shirt while gardening or jogging or doing anything else that might cause it to smell particularly bad.  What is the deal?

As for the Backstreet Boys- well, to each her own, I guess. 

 

This Paxlovid Commercial is just another gift from Doctor Television

 

Know how old I am?  I'm old enough to remember when doctors were people you went to to find out what was wrong with you and to get the best treatment options for that thing that was wrong with you.  That was before it became ok for drug companies to buy time on commercial tv, and suddenly the doctor became the guy that YOU told what to give you for your health issue because Doctor Television told you to.

There is so much seriously off-putting about watching these people announce that if they have COVID, they are going to rely on this particular drug, and the doctor is just a middleman who exists because Stupid Laws still require someone with an actual medical degree to sign off with a prescription and you can't just go to Amazon and buy the Magic Pill You Saw On the Television five seconds after the ad aired in your living room.  I can just see these obnoxious idiots storming in to their doctor's office and announcing "I have COVID, so prescribe me Paxlovid.  It's the best drug to deal with my symptoms, I Just Know because TV Said So.  I don't need any medical training or knowledge to know what's best for me, Mr. Smarty Pants Doctor.  Just send the prescription to my pharmacy, and it sure would be helpful if you had a few free samples hanging around so I don't have to wait till later today to start a regimen of this drug I know nothing about beyond what the commercial told me, not that I even really paid attention to that."

Oh, and while we're at it, maybe if you're worried about COVID's long-term impact on your overall health, be vaccinated and don't be obese?  I am quadruple-vaxed and my "bout" with COVID meant being a bit tired for a day or two.  Because I don't abuse my body when I don't have it or any other health condition.  Funny how nice your body is to you when you are nice to it, don't you think?

One Shining Moment Cringe, this time compliments of AT&T

 

The "One Shining Moment" song is so played, it's become the second biggest irritant of the tournament.  A nice, uplifting, catchy little tune in 1987, it's been beaten to death each March and to tell you the truth, it doesn't age well and it's actually kind of an annoyance, especially when the people on tv sing it as if the song has exactly three words.

The BIGGEST irritant is commercials featuring people who obviously couldn't give one fat rat ass's damn about college basketball except when it's time to appear in a tie-in ad.*  Like, get lost Lilly, and take your poser friends with you.  Your charm wore out at least five years ago.  Why are you still around?  Oh, right- because concepts must be beaten to death and burned to the ground, and then their ashes must be beaten to death. 

*I'd really like to know which college Lilly is giving a fist-pump for, considering her Alma Mater didn't come anywhere close to making the NCAA Tournament this year, and in fact hasn't earned a seeding since 2019....

Endurance is what you'll need if you ever deal with these Scammers

 

99 times out of 100, the "Check Engine" light means that, according to the Odometer, it's "time" to get your oil changed.  This doesn't mean that your oil needs to be changed, just that your car has a little device which turns on the "check engine" light every 3000 miles.  The device is reset by the guy with the eighth-grade education at Jiffy Lube who is already angry at you because you didn't fall for the "full service package" which includes transmission flushes and overpriced windshield wipers and blinker light fluid and a new air filter Because Look How Dirty Yours Is.  

If you aren't in the mood to hand Jiffy Lube five hundred dollars when you just went in for their $39 oil change which has never ever cost anyone only $39, here's another way to throw away your money- buy "warranty" coverage from scummy scammers like Auto Shield or this Endurance place.  Pretty much the only honest part of this commercial is when they tell you that there will be "no checks in the mail"- yeah, I'm sure anyone who has ever been unfortunate enough to get suckered in by your pitches knows this already.  All of the checks go in one direction for these grifters- from your account to theirs. 

All covered repairs will be covered by their coverage, they promise with complete honesty.  What repairs are covered?  They'll let you know when you need them, at which point the answer will be Not That One.  100 times out of 100, you are far better off just creating a rainy day fund to deal with car repairs.  Stay away from these clowns.  And Jiffy Lube, unless you go in with the steely resolve to insist on an Oil Change and nothing but an Oil Change No I Don't Need My Tires Rotated or Re-Aligned Thank You Very Much Mr. Works On Commission and that's Not My Problem.

Engaging with the Gecko/Geico Fantasy Universe for a Moment....

 

So the Geico Gecko is having a yard sale, but it looks as though he's just holding the sale as a way to draw more customers to the services offered by his employer, Geico Insurance.  He's able to do this because a young couple admiring a tiny piece of furniture chirpily comment that they own a new home.  I've been to enough yard sales to know that mentioning how a particular piece of junk would look good in a New Home I Just Bought will naturally bring a sales pitch for homeowner's insurance, so this is super-realistic even if it does include a CGI lizard with an Australian Accent.

Also seems to me that if a tiny rocking chair would be "perfect" for their new home, pretty much everything else being sold by this lizard would also look perfect, because this particular couple intends to decorate their home with tiny furnishings.  To each his own, I guess.  I must say they were quite lucky to stumble into this particular yard sale;  in my previously mentioned extensive lawn sale experience, I've rarely found such a large collection of miniatures as this one has.  Aren't a whole lot of CGI Geckos out there holding yard sales?

Here's a universal rule about these sales, though:  The item is not for sale because it's on the lawn, it's on sale if the owner says it is.  The tables the items are on are also on the lawn; doesn't mean they are for sale.  The stupid talking lizard and the couple themselves are on the lawn; probably neither are for sale.  Don't think you're going to call a cop and an attorney even if a tagged item is withdrawn from sale.  These people are throwing weight around they simply don't have.  Why am I overthinking this?  Shut up, that's why. 

QuickIdea: GET A JOB!

 

"When I started my (insert ego fantasy here) company, I thought it would be fun.  I mean, I'd be a boss and wouldn't answer to anyone and I'd order other people around and my name would be on the front of the building and I'd be able to show the world how I was much, much better than those losers who go out and work a 9-to-5 job for someone else, the losers!"

"Then I realized that owning a business involved numbers and accounts and employees and insurance and salespeople and vendors and customers who didn't constantly kiss my butt or thank me for reinvigorating the local economy and all that stuff and it turned into a big headache."

"So I was faced with a serious choice:  either go out and get a real job like an actual adult and admit that nobody gives a damn about (insert ego trip here,) or get Quickbooks and be able to pretend I'm Super Special and waaaaay too good for one of those Job things for a few more months before reality hits me in the face like a frozen halibut and I have to face the reality that...well, I think I made that pretty clear at the beginning of this paragraph, didn't I?"