Another take on those Planet Fitness Ads....

 

...because sometimes I have a hard time letting things go...

Each one of these ads ends with the same line- "...and that's why I hate gyms..." spoken by someone who 1.  seems to feel the need to explain to the salesperson that even though they've inexplicably found themselves walking through a Planet Fitness, they are resistant to the idea of actually joining a gym, and 2.  seems to feel the need to justify their attitude toward gyms with a bizarre 1980s comedy film stereotype of what they think gyms are.   I mean, come on- I've been a member of the YMCA almost continuously for almost forty years.  I've never experienced anything like what is being shown in these ads, and I really doubt anyone else has, either.  

"....I'm frightened and intimidated by people who are in better shape than I am, and I project that lack of confidence on to those people by imagining them to be shallow, 'roided-up weirdos.  This is how I convince myself that it's ok not to work out at a gym.  Still don't know why I'm telling you this, or even why I'm here.  Maybe this is just cheap therapy for me."

"Well, fortunately for you, Planet Fitness isn't a gym.  It's Planet Fitness.  The only thing we have in common with a gym is exercise machines and a monthly membership fee.  Sign here." 

This Tide Commercial is a slap at the Supreme Court

 

This is such an effective advertisement for Birth Control, my only regret is that it didn't come out 30 years ago.  We might have been spared the existence of the bottom-feeding* idiots who populate this commercial.  I also think that it should be sent to every member of the SCOTUS the next time they are asked to decide on an issue involving the bodily autonomy of American women...

*Almost.  We also have the YouTube commenters who give Tide a high-five for this "funny" ad.  We'd all have been better off if THEIR parents had practiced a little more safe sex, too.  

5 Reasons why Planet Fitness is (Evil?) Genius

 

1.  Advertises itself as a "Judgement Free Zone" while it's commercial are ALL ABOUT JUDGEMENT.  Like building muscles?  This place is not for you.  Are really hot and proud of it?  This place is not for you.  Oh, but we're a "judgement free zone."  Ok then...

2.  Features a "Lunk Alarm," which is an air horn that goes off if someone grunts too loudly while lifting weights, or drops weights, or does anything else to indicate that they might be pushing their limits or something horrible like that.  I've heard one YouTuber suggest that the "Lunk Alarm" goes off at the sound of muscles contracting.  Again, this is a "Judgement Free Zone" but if you dare exert yourself, you'll be made to feel like you've been spotted trying to escape a POW camp.

3.  Offers free pizza one day a month, and free bagels another day a month.  I just love this- a strategy which discourages gym members from improving their health and thereby losing the incentive to keep up their memberships.  Work out (modestly,) Get Fat,  Work out, Get Fat, lather, rinse, repeat.  And keep that monthly membership fee coming.  Speaking of which....

4.  Prices membership so low that people can't resist signing up and can't be bothered to cancel because "it's only $10 a month, if I cancel I've given up, I don't want to pay the initial sign-up fee again, I'll just keep it I'll use it someday."  Of course, it's not really "$10 a month."  It's ten dollars a month PLUS taxes PLUS an annual fee PLUS that initiation fee.  To make it worth while, you really have to keep it and use it for a year, after which you'll probably keep it because you can't cancel online but must instead visit the location you signed up at (you CAN buy a membership online but not cancel...hmm...) but you'll stop using the membership, which is all part of the strategy because...

5.  The average Planet Fitness location has 6,500 members.  No kidding.  But the average Planet Fitness location also has a capacity limit of 300.  So the whole business model is built on people signing up and not actually showing up- more than 90% of members aren't there at any given time.  This is like if America went back on the Gold Standard; yes, it works very well, as long as 90% of people never actually want to trade their paper dollars in for gold. 

What is going on in this McDonald's commercial?

 

I really don't get why this kid thinks that the guy who walked into his bedroom, opened the shutters, and waved a bag of "food" in front of his nose thinks that this means the guy "works at McDonalds."  If someone who lived in my house brought home a bag of McDonalds "food" my first thought wouldn't be "oh, so you work there?"  It wouldn't be my second, third, fourth or fifth thought, either.  Kind of like if someone came in with a bottle of milk I wouldn't ask them when they got a job at a dairy.  Maybe this kid is really, really, REALLY stupid.  

Who is this guy, anyway?  He looks too old to be the kid's brother.  So is he this kid's dad?  Well, if so...that's pretty sad.  I mean, I'm not going to seriously knock anyone's job, but....unless you're managing the place, McDonald's is not the kind of work for anyone over the age of 30 and it's not the kind of work you should find yourself in if you've got dependents.  I bet there are a LOT of twentysomething kids working at McDonalds who have already handed their DNA to the next generation, but I don't think we ought to be celebrating this in advertisement.  Maybe that's just the Boomer in me talking, but....*

I almost forgot that I only found this ad because I heard a radio commercial for the "1-2-3 McDonald's Breakfast menu" in which a woman theorizes that if she goes to bed a little earlier, she'll be able to get up a little earlier, and she'll be able to eat breakfast at McDonald's a little earlier, and this is something she's putting a lot of thought into and I'm sorry but that's really sad.  Not as sad as those "Official Beer while taking a shower" or "Official Beer of remaining on the couch all weekend" ads, and maybe not as sad as "if someone brings me McDonald's it means they work there" ads, but pretty close.  Hey lady, your favorite diabetes delivery system will be there when you get there.  They aren't going to run out of coma-inducing carb sludge if you arrive at your regular feeding time.  Hit the snooze and stay in bed a little longer.  Your body will thank you- especially if you reconsider this whole Breakfast at McDonald's thing. 

*Ok I listened again and now I hear "I didn't know you were gettin' McDonalds," not "I didn't know you were workin' at McDonalds."  So about half of this post is based on a misheard line.  Whatever, it's still dumb. 

Is Advantis Early Payday all about maintaining a false front?

 

I've never seen living paycheck-to-paycheck and so close to the margins that getting paid 48 hours early is a game-changer as such an attractive lifestyle as it's presented in these ads for Advantis Early Payday.  Clearly the people in these ads don't have the credit history to hold a VISA card but must use cash for everything- and if they don't have cash, they can't make purchases.  Yet here they are driving nice cars and living in big houses.  I'm getting a "keeping up with the Joneses/keeping up appearances/Little Boxes" vibe with these ads. 

 Is it all smoke and mirrors, or what?  I mean, they present a really convincing veneer of being stable, middle-class earners, but they need their money early on a regular basis?  What is really going on here?

The real punchline of this "Medicare Insurance" ad

 

Hey, harping, carping old lady- if you stop bleating your script at your poor husband for a few seconds I'd be happy to let you know why he hasn't "made the call" yet:  

It's because he wants to die.  

Want to know why he wants to die?  Look in the mirror.  But be warned that when you look in that mirror, you'll be reminded that he had an option other than dying.  He can get rid of that reason for wanting to die. 

And if you insist on pushing him, he'll be making the call all right.  To 1-800 DIVORCE or 1-800- HITMEN.

Ode to Obesity, Ode to Jardiance

 

"I love my magic Jardiance and I feel Swell

Just pop a pill and then I'm off to Taco Bell!

Comfy in my body livin' life my way

Ordered a life-sized poster of Tess Holliday

Think my yellow dress is hot this is so fun

though some may think I look like I'm a second sun

It took two days for me to film this stupid ad

Stopped every fifteen seconds 'cause my feet swelled bad

Hey kids just keep on eating you can be like me

By twelve you'll lose control of your A1C 

Be pre-diabetic before you reach High School

The BMI is full of crap the "O-word's" Cool

Fatphobic doctors tell me I could just lose weight

I tell 'em "it's genetic" and it's all just Fate

Look I'm a dancin' icon and I'm havin' fun

don't wanna use the stairs and never wanna run

Gyms are all so toxic so I stay away

all gym-bros got EDs and steroids anyway

The thins they all will hate me but I got no ears

for their "we get picked on too" yeah f--k your skinny tears

You get on all the park rides and doctors treat you reals 

and your BS "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"

But we'll survive the famine 'cause we got the genes

and you skinnies soon will learn what real oppression means

You can deny it all you want but you know its true

Body Positivity was never meant for you

But back to the point, Jardiance is great

It cares how I feel, not what I ate.