No wait, I take it back- FANDUEL is Tuberculosis!

 

These guys have taken all of the best tips from drug dealers, right down to offering us their own version of "the first one's free, kid!"

Check out how many different ways you can risk your paycheck in a game: if you're a football fan, you can bet on which team wins (yeah, thanks Grampa!) but also on which team scores the first points, how those points are scored, yards gained on the ground and air - yeah, no chance that any of this bleeds into the game itself and creates a massive scandal five or six minutes from now.  After all, it's XFL season. Even the saddest addicts aren't betting on XFL games, are they?

Baseball's even better.  You can be a "winner" in one inning, and a "try again" player (we don't use the word "loser" here.  Like in scratch-off games, everyone's a winner!) in the next.  And you don't have to wait till the next inning to experience that rush of adrenalin that can only come from risking next month's mortgage payment; you can bet on the result of each at-bat.  Again, no way this impacts the actual game.  It's all in fun, kids.  Except for that Pete Rose guy.  He's pure evil because he did something bad.  Something no player would do today.  Of course not. 

I'm not at all sure I won't live long enough to see Jamie Foxx and Kevin Hart pitching the Joys of Heroin use on my tv; after all, I've lived to see "The Official Beer of Falling Asleep in the Bathtub" and "You haven't lived until you've risked your kids' college funds" ads.  And I'm really healthy, dammit. 

Skirizi's song IS Tuberculosis

 

Yeah.....you know, if I have to choose between wearing long sleeves and taking a drug that increases my risk of "infections including tuberculosis," I'm gonna just wear long sleeves.  The people in these ads act like they value nothing more than showing as much skin as possible in public.  This particular woman is literally DANCING because she's wearing a sleeveless blouse.  I mean, what the actual hell?

And yeah...that song.  God, it sucks.  I don't want to hear it anymore.  I mean, it's nice that the singer's "new plan" is to have "nothin' on my skin," but hearing that is really killing my soul and I'm so very done. Please, let's hear the B side now. 

DraftKings and Miller Present: the Perfect Crossover!

Personally, I see this as such an obvious win-win my only question is, why didn't anyone ever think of putting these two favorite pastimes together?  I mean, what could possibly go better with drinking than gambling?  Driving a semi?  Piloting a passenger jet?  Sex?  Everyone knows that drinking improves reasoning skills and makes it easier to make well-thought-out, sensible choices.  

So pop another beer and rethink those silly second thoughts you had about gambling your paycheck on the length of the next field goal made by a left-handed kicker drafted out of Alabama.  You'll be glad you did.  And if you aren't, well, there's that 800-number on the bottom of the screen.  You won't need it, but it's there anyway. 

Gambling and Sports go together like Drinking and Driving. And Because Capitalism, there's probably no stopping this train wreck.

 

I was watching the Orioles v Tigers game the other day and noted that at least half of all the ads were for one gambling app or another.  The game which forbids its players from gambling- and has banned one of the greatest players of all time from the Hall of Fame for gambling- is being heavily sponsored by gambling. 

Do the people who get suckered in participating in this dangerously addictive behavior realize that these commercials are expensive to produce and run (contrary to what you may believe, Kevin Hart does not do Ads for Everything for free?)  Where do they think that money comes from if not the pockets of gambling addicts?  Multimillionaire Kevin Hart, living in one of his multimillion-dollar homes, isn't going to pretend to be excited over getting $200 in free "credit" to gamble with without getting an actual check representing actual money, people.  In other words, he's not taking his pay in App Credit. 

We've got NFL players being suspended for gambling while our screens are awash in Gambling Is Harmless Fun By The Way Check Out the 1-800 ADDICTION HELP Number We're Required To Slap At The Bottom Of The Screen commercials.  We've got entire shows on ESPN and the networks dedicated to betting.  We've got odds scrolling across the bottom of the screen during games.  And we've got one Check Out How Glamorous Risking Your Paycheck Is commercial after another during games being watched by children.*   Cripes, I used to complain about the stupid obsession with Fantasy Sports.  Those days seem downright quaint now.  Can we get back there please?

In two years Las Vegas will have it's own baseball team, courtesy of the insatiable greed of the billionaire who owns the Oakland A's.  Just a decade ago, the idea of Vegas having a major league sports team was considered extremely problematic; in 2025 it will have three.  Because Vegas can't be a gambling mecca in a country which permits gambling on pretty much everything, everywhere, and far worse makes it almost criminally accessible to everyone.   This is not going to go well.  

*Despite everything I wrote here, I'm actually quite Libertarian in my views on gambling, drinking, smoking, vaping, consumption of processed sugar and fat, and all of the other self-inflicted damage we Americans in particular like to indulge in.  But I do worry about the next generation automatically associating sports with gambling, and gambling with adventure and fun.  As I wrote above, this is NOT going to end well. 

Point of Personal Privilege: Where's Lex Luthor now that we need him?

Last Saturday afternoon, while returning home at the end of Spring Break, my car broke down on the Garden State Parkway.  I called for a tow truck, and me and my car (which had a ruptured gas tank) were taken to a dumpy shop somewhere in Hackensack, New Jersey.  The shop was closed (and would be closed until Monday morning) so I got myself a Lyft to the Amtrak station in Newark and got myself home, walking into my apartment at exactly 1:30 AM- or about five hours later than planned.  

Let's talk a bit about Hackensack, and about this shop.  Hackensack is a craphole, of course.  I imagine it's been a craphole since at least the 1970s.  If you used to be familiar with Hackensack but for obvious reasons haven't visited in the last several decades, let me satisfy your curiosity.  Still a craphole.

Now let's talk about the shop.  As I said above, it was closed.  It was closed the next day, too- when I called from home to ask about my car, I was told that there was nobody there to look at it and that I should call back Monday.  I called back Monday, and was told that there was nobody there to look at it until later in the day.  That afternoon, I finally managed to talk to someone at the shop, and was told either "there is so much corrosion that I can't even dismantle the tank to put a new one in" or "we can't take this job on, we have too many cars waiting in line already"- I'm not sure I didn't hear some version of both.  I asked if the car was a total loss, but I couldn't get a straight answer on that, either.  I asked about a few personal items in the back seat that I had been unable to take with me on Saturday and he made it clear that "we aren't going to be sending anything."  I got the very strong sense that the guy on the other end of the phone was put out to still have my car on his lot several hours after he had opened for the week.

Fortunately, I was able to contact a friend of a friend who has a friend who runs a tow service, and for a very reasonable price had the car picked up Tuesday morning and delivered to Maryland.  And here's the main point of the not-great review I gave this shop on Yelp:

My car was in this lot from 5 PM on Saturday until just before noon on Tuesday- a total of 67 hours, of which 38 were hours in which THE LOT WAS NOT OPEN and there was NOBODY THERE TO SPEAK TO ABOUT MY CAR.  But I was charged $183 for storage fees- $43 per day for FOUR DAYS, plus tax.  Yeah, technically the car was there for "four days"- Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday.  But give me a break- more than half the time it was there, it was not retrievable because of the lot's hours.  

So Mr. Luthor- I'm out of Hackensack now and am therefore the envy of pretty much everyone currently still in Hackensack.  Please, proceed with your plan.  Absolutely nothing of value will be lost.  Even Miss Teschmacher's  mom must have moved on to Florida by now.  Fire away. 

Another take on those Planet Fitness Ads....

 

...because sometimes I have a hard time letting things go...

Each one of these ads ends with the same line- "...and that's why I hate gyms..." spoken by someone who 1.  seems to feel the need to explain to the salesperson that even though they've inexplicably found themselves walking through a Planet Fitness, they are resistant to the idea of actually joining a gym, and 2.  seems to feel the need to justify their attitude toward gyms with a bizarre 1980s comedy film stereotype of what they think gyms are.   I mean, come on- I've been a member of the YMCA almost continuously for almost forty years.  I've never experienced anything like what is being shown in these ads, and I really doubt anyone else has, either.  

"....I'm frightened and intimidated by people who are in better shape than I am, and I project that lack of confidence on to those people by imagining them to be shallow, 'roided-up weirdos.  This is how I convince myself that it's ok not to work out at a gym.  Still don't know why I'm telling you this, or even why I'm here.  Maybe this is just cheap therapy for me."

"Well, fortunately for you, Planet Fitness isn't a gym.  It's Planet Fitness.  The only thing we have in common with a gym is exercise machines and a monthly membership fee.  Sign here." 

This Tide Commercial is a slap at the Supreme Court

 

This is such an effective advertisement for Birth Control, my only regret is that it didn't come out 30 years ago.  We might have been spared the existence of the bottom-feeding* idiots who populate this commercial.  I also think that it should be sent to every member of the SCOTUS the next time they are asked to decide on an issue involving the bodily autonomy of American women...

*Almost.  We also have the YouTube commenters who give Tide a high-five for this "funny" ad.  We'd all have been better off if THEIR parents had practiced a little more safe sex, too.