FanDuel's celebration of gambling zombies

 

Just look at the faces of the guys in this ad.  Once upon a time, the reason for those anxious faces would be that their team is on the verge of winning or losing and these guys are real fans who really, really want their team to win because...well, because they are fans. 

Nowadays- and in commercials like this and for all the other Don't Just Watch, Bet "services"- the assumption is that those anxious faces are created by real concern for their wallets.  What happens on the screen in the next few seconds determines if these guys win or lose money.  In another instant, they are excited because they've won (these commercials never, ever show anyone losing, of course.  That would be like Vegas slot machines making noise the 99 times out of 100 that the fruit symbols don't line up.)  Being an actual fan of one of the teams is strictly optional and actually kind of pathetic, as the only legitimate reason to consume sports in 2023 is if you've got skin in the game in the form of cash. 

Years ago, I went to a Sunday afternoon football-watching get-together in which every single person except me was constantly on their laptop or phone keeping track of the progress of their fantasy sports player.  I thought that was lame and boring and kind of depressing because nobody was really watching the actual game; kind of like being at a Superbowl party where everyone is waiting for the dumb game to take a break for those Super Awesome Funny Commercials.  I can't imagine hanging out with people who are hanging on every play because they placed a bet on the outcome- especially because I'd be watching a lot more losing than winning.  It would make me nostalgic for the harmless Fantasy Sports Zombies.  

Jim Beam and Sweet Caroline: If you didn't hate Red Sox Nation already....

 

...watching a crowd of obnoxious drunks sing this god-awful song approximately 300 times during the baseball game you're trying to enjoy will certainly do the trick.   And you can't tell me that the bartender pouring out the Jim Beam hasn't wanted to off himself before opening day of every MLB season for the past twenty years. 

Just bring back Mila Kunis already!

"Accepted" is a college movie that is multiple levels of Fail

 

The stupid kid in this stupid movie spent his High School years being stupid and, as Taylor Swift has taught us, if you play stupid games you win stupid prizes.  This kid's stupid prize was a rejection letter from every college he applied to.  In other words, the consequences of his own actions.

So this stupid kid decides to invent a school and get himself accepted to it in an attempt to trick his parents into believing he isn't the total loser they think and know that he actually is.  He puts more effort into creating a college than he ever did in getting decent grades in High School, but I'm pretty sure that the stupid point of this stupid movie is that the stupid kid is actually brilliant but just doesn't fit into the Square with a capital S hole that is Traditional Education or some such self-congratulatory BS.

I'm not going to get into the entire stupid plot of this stupid movie; instead, I'm going to point out that if this stupid kid was half as smart as we are supposed to think he is, he could have solved his problem with roughly 99.9 percent less effort:

1.  Write a fake admissions letter from an actual University far, far away from the hometown and any relatives (don't do what this kid does and invent a school that exists five minutes away, which requires him to rent a freaking abandoned building.)  Overseas is best of all.  There- no fake websites, no fake merch, no fake anything except a simple admissions letter.

2.  Go backpacking in Europe for a year on your "college tuition" money.  Create a photo journal of your travels.  Better yet, find some college-bound friend to share a room with, get a job, and take some courses online to improve your chances of being accepted in the next year.  If accepted, just tell your parents you're transferring.  In three years you can explain that you are on a specialized five-year program.

This kid pulled his con using the most difficult, impossible-to-pull-off-in-real-life way imaginable.  Because he's stupid.  But then, so are all the other idiots who join his fake college- not only are none of them particularly concerned that they are hanging around doing nothing in exchange for their tuition payments, but they aren't even angry at him when his con is exposed because he "meant well" or some such garbage.  Everyone involved in this deserves to die painfully.  Back in the 80s we had good comedies about college like "Back to School."  Now kids get this level of dumb?  What did they do to deserve it?

This Domino's Commercial is Depressing from the very first line*

 

Domino's takes delivery so seriously that....they are going to retain their very best delivery drivers by paying them a living wage?  They are going to stop encouraging customers to help them to eliminate  delivery altogether by giving them incentives to pick up their own damn non-food?

Nah.  Somehow, this "delivery is super important to us" message transforms into "so here's our latest invention- greasy fried potatoes doused with sugar and cheese."  Because that makes sense.  To somebody.  But I guess I should be grateful- at least Domino's isn't offering ways to bet on the Purchasing Cheap Warm Sludge Experience yet.  I've reached the point where pretty much any commercial that isn't encouraging people to gamble is automatically worth a extra half-star.  I'm reminded of Chuck Norris in Code of Silence- "I'm gonna hit you so many times with a left, you're gonna beg for a right."  Yeah, bring on the pizza and small business credit card commercials, all is forgiven. 

*"At Domino's we are obsessed with delivery...in fact in breaks our heart to see delivery done wrong."

Seriously.  I suggest a suicide pact.  I mean, when you guys were young, did you ever imagine you'd be uttering those words unironically on television?

No wait, I take it back- FANDUEL is Tuberculosis!

 

These guys have taken all of the best tips from drug dealers, right down to offering us their own version of "the first one's free, kid!"

Check out how many different ways you can risk your paycheck in a game: if you're a football fan, you can bet on which team wins (yeah, thanks Grampa!) but also on which team scores the first points, how those points are scored, yards gained on the ground and air - yeah, no chance that any of this bleeds into the game itself and creates a massive scandal five or six minutes from now.  After all, it's XFL season. Even the saddest addicts aren't betting on XFL games, are they?

Baseball's even better.  You can be a "winner" in one inning, and a "try again" player (we don't use the word "loser" here.  Like in scratch-off games, everyone's a winner!) in the next.  And you don't have to wait till the next inning to experience that rush of adrenalin that can only come from risking next month's mortgage payment; you can bet on the result of each at-bat.  Again, no way this impacts the actual game.  It's all in fun, kids.  Except for that Pete Rose guy.  He's pure evil because he did something bad.  Something no player would do today.  Of course not. 

I'm not at all sure I won't live long enough to see Jamie Foxx and Kevin Hart pitching the Joys of Heroin use on my tv; after all, I've lived to see "The Official Beer of Falling Asleep in the Bathtub" and "You haven't lived until you've risked your kids' college funds" ads.  And I'm really healthy, dammit. 

Skirizi's song IS Tuberculosis

 

Yeah.....you know, if I have to choose between wearing long sleeves and taking a drug that increases my risk of "infections including tuberculosis," I'm gonna just wear long sleeves.  The people in these ads act like they value nothing more than showing as much skin as possible in public.  This particular woman is literally DANCING because she's wearing a sleeveless blouse.  I mean, what the actual hell?

And yeah...that song.  God, it sucks.  I don't want to hear it anymore.  I mean, it's nice that the singer's "new plan" is to have "nothin' on my skin," but hearing that is really killing my soul and I'm so very done. Please, let's hear the B side now. 

DraftKings and Miller Present: the Perfect Crossover!

Personally, I see this as such an obvious win-win my only question is, why didn't anyone ever think of putting these two favorite pastimes together?  I mean, what could possibly go better with drinking than gambling?  Driving a semi?  Piloting a passenger jet?  Sex?  Everyone knows that drinking improves reasoning skills and makes it easier to make well-thought-out, sensible choices.  

So pop another beer and rethink those silly second thoughts you had about gambling your paycheck on the length of the next field goal made by a left-handed kicker drafted out of Alabama.  You'll be glad you did.  And if you aren't, well, there's that 800-number on the bottom of the screen.  You won't need it, but it's there anyway.