The first few times I watched this commercial, I didn't realize that it was supposed to be depicting the same person at different stages in his "life" and I thought "ok, three guys live together in a house and all three are weirdly addicted to the smell of Downy fabric softener."
It turns out that no, it's only one guy- and every time he pulls clothes out of the dryer he takes a huge whiff and he is transported back to some nebulous "good old days" when he- um- also pulled clothes out of the dryer and took a huge whiff. I guess. And apparently there was a time in his life when he wore clothes that were comically small for him. Either that, or we are supposed to think that he was doing laundry when he was a small child. I don't know. No matter how you slice it, it's really, really stupid.
*Yes I know, Paul Anka isn't officially dead yet. He's actually only 82 years old and from what I hear, he can still croon with the best of them. But he's proof that if you live long enough, you become the villain of your own story- or, at least, one of your iconic songs becomes the background music for a stupid soap commercial. I'm not exactly sure how that saying goes.
(Full disclaimer: I use TurboTax and have for probably 20 years now. I use their site to do my taxes with minimal help from their online support staff. Because I don't really own anything.)
1. If you own enough property and make enough money to make doing your taxes so complicated the thought of doing them gives you nightmares, I don't care about your and your "problems."
2. If you can afford to hire someone to do your taxes for you, see No. 1.
3. I don't really care about anyone all that much, and I'm a total stranger writing a blog nobody reads, so don't get too triggered about No. 1
Wait- what? What the hell is a "full-size appetizer"
Here's the definition of the word "appetizer" I found in a quick Google search: "a small dish of food or a drink taken before a meal or the main course of a meal to stimulate the appetite." So again I ask- what the hell is a "full-size appetizer?"
I'm afraid I know the answer- it's a meal to be consumed before the other meal you ordered arrives. Because if there's anything America needs more than a plate of fried cheese to "stimulate the appetite" before the "real" dinner shows up, I am not aware of it.
Remember Taco Bell's "fourth meal" campaign from a decade or so back? Judging from America's waistline these days, it caught on in an informal manner, as more and more people no longer have set times to eat but instead simply consume whenever and wherever (and, increasingly, WHATEVER) the mood and opportunity strikes. Applebee's is just offering a time-saver here- you don't have to plan that fourth meal, just have it at the same sitting as one of your usual three meals and call it a "full-size appetizer." Since Americans are really good at eating large amounts of food quickly and not allowing the fullness signal to reach the brain until we're bloated with excess calories, this will work really well as long as it can be packaged as a money-saving deal as well as a time-saving one. Personally, I think $25 sounds like a lot of money for a plate of fried cheese and a piece of steak, but I'm weird like that.
"No, lady- the fact that this so-called 'restaurant' has no working ovens or grease pits and is actually just a facade* surrounded by television cameras and featuring a nobody bit 'comedian'** shouldn't convince you that you are in a stupid ad for an awful company determined to do its part in fueling the obesity crisis."
Oh, and it's absolutely no wonder that you work at Taco Bell. The only mystery is- how did you get here without dying in a thousand different ways between getting out of bed and tying your shoes?
*it's a word and this is the way it's spelled. Get over it, Spellcheck.
**nothing makes me want to start my day at America's favorite lard supplier more than Pete Davison's immensely unfunny, smarmy delivery. Good call, Taco Bell.
That is to say, they get their selling strategy from drug dealers.
1. "The first one is free, kid!" How do you get someone who isn't in to drugs to become a customer of your drugs? Free samples. of course. FanDuel goes one better and actually offers a financial incentive to reluctant consumers of sports who might still have a few brain cells to rub together. You aren't really "betting" at all, you see- all the risk is on us (this time!) Once you see how much fun it is, you'll never want to stop (and from our point of view, you won't be able to even if you want to.) Which ties in nicely with....
2. "It's all in good fun!" Money is barely mentioned in ads for any gambling apps- sure, the "you could win and winning is the best" message is there, but the focus is on the excitement of winning, not on the cash itself. You'll never hear any of the "winners" mention how they can now afford that new pair of HOKAs they've had their eyes on, or a piece of jewelry for their significant other- needless to say, you'll never hear anyone say anything like "yay I can buy food and pay rent this month" in response to a "win." No, the excitement is presented as being the product of the bet itself, the fact that the player made the right choice at the right time. Money isn't the reward- feeling like a winner is. Kind of like getting high. No, exactly like getting high. Which brings me to the underlying message, which is....
3. This is just another legal painkiller. You should take drugs because pain is awful and life sucks and drugs dull the pain and help you ignore the fact that life sucks. Maybe the most painful thing about life is that its kind of boring and predictable. Since taking hard drugs is illegal and harmful to your health (and, despite what you see on TV, acquiring illegal drugs isn't super-easy for most Americans) a quick and easy and legal drug you can access without anyone's permission straight from your phone is Gambling. For a few hours during a Sportsball Competition, you can experience escape from the monotony. Some people do this by taking actual drugs. Others engage in rock climbing or mountain bike-riding or any number of adrenalin-pumping activities but let's face it, most of you aren't all that interested in stuff that requires moving around places that don't have access to Uber eats or a bartender. Gambling provides a thrill you can get without leaving the couch, and anything that can be done without leaving the couch is going to be popular in the United States.
4. This comes with a warning- engaging in this activity can lead to addiction. What's wrong with addiction? We aren't told, unless its embedded in that microscopic print that's on the screen for approximately 1.5 seconds at the end of an ad which spent 28.5 seconds telling us how gambling is Innocent Harmless Fun. Might have something to do with obsession, social isolation, and personal finances, but I can only guess unless I decide to pick up my SmartPhone and use it to make myself just a little - or a lot- more stupid.
First- oh my god, the characters in these ads have actual names that I guess we are supposed to know by now. I understand that this series of ads has been running for more than a year now, but I didn't realize we were supposed to be taking notes and getting to know the actors selling their souls portraying obviously mentally ill, sad losers hanging out at Wendy's wearing uniforms (there's no evidence that any of these people actually work there, which leads me to...
Second, I'm convinced that the cast of characters aren't meant to portray actual Wendy's employees. The black guy who I think is supposed to be the manager, the pretty white girl doing most of the narration for this particular episode of Sad Losers at Wendy's, and the Skinny Brain Damaged Allegedly Adult White Guy we recently saw trying to crawl on to an old man's lap because he thought he was Santa are obviously so pathetic that they fantasize about working at Wendy's and managed to find costumes on Amazon. While most pathetic no-life losers are cosplaying Marvel villains, these Failures at Failing are posing as People with Jobs. Because, I'm sorry, there's simply no way anyone is paying these people to handle food.
Third, the proof of my previous assertion is that the skinny white guy has a terrible sunburn somehow achieved while consuming a strawberry milkshake thing-- during his lunch break? Yeah no. The ozone layer might not be in the best of shape ( I am not sure; even the fact that I can remember Ozone Panic ages me) does not mean you can get a severe burn during a lunch break, I don't care how pale you are. So what really happened is that the skinny white guy is no longer welcome to consume his hourly Wendy's order in the dining room and is politely ushered to the outdoor chairs instead (the final nail in the coffin was probably that Sit on an Old Man's Lap episode back in December.) He's outside pretty much all the time, coming in only to order more Wendy's and hope to be mistaken for an employee. The stupid fat guy who made a spectacle of himself stretching out the cheese in his sandwich this winter doesn't show up in this ad so he's probably in the same boat. Meanwhile Pretend Black Manager and Pretty White Girl is probably still low-key enough to be tolerated by the actual staff, and maybe they even take out the garbage now and then.
...which seems like a pretty good idea, actually...
Look, buddy- as much as you need Indeed, you don't need it as much as the other main character in this stupid commercial. Your mother needs it more. After all, she's the one with the unemployed idiot son living under her roof and on her dime. So if she seems super-pushy and super-persistent, well, take the hint, stop dicking around, and get a job. Even if you have to swallow your pride and take a job from someone who asks you interview questions like "where do you get your persistence from?" which would convince me that the universe was manifestly unfair because how the hell did this jagoff get himself into a position to be interviewing people instead of being unemployed and living with HIS mother? I mean, what's the next question- "do you consider yourself a people person?"
