I'd give the guy at 7-11 three bucks. Any other questions, Klondike?

 

Hey Klondike, nobody missed these stupid ads featuring stupid Americans willing to be total morons on television or- as we see here- even risk their lives* for a couple of dollars worth of ice cream and candy.  I would certainly argue that forty-plus years is enough for any advertising campaign to run it's course.  Can't you find any other way to sell your overpriced Cold Sugar Product?

*see, it's FUNNY because grandma is attached to balloons while she's - um, already eating a Klondike Bar....wait, I thought the message was that she was willing to risk a serious injury for a Klondike Bar, but if she's already eating it, what is she being bribed with again?  Is the joke that she's willing to make stupid faces that will cause her grandchildren to cringe every time this commercial comes on the air?  And what are all these people doing cheering her on- what do they get for their participation in this nonsense?  Their own Klondike Bars?  If so, I think grandma is getting seriously ripped off here. 

This kid has never been at Liberty to choose his own path, apparently

 

It's dumb enough that there's something that this father and son "always say" and it's a tag line for a stupid insurance commercial.  It just makes it worse that this little kid has been molded into a smaller version of his slack-jawed, hollow-chested insurance salesman father.  And it's downright criminal that this guy has passed down his decision to give up on life and devote himself to selling insurance with all the enthusiasm of Needlenose Ned Ryerson from Groundhog Day to his son, who after all is just a kid and has the right to want something better for himself.  You know, like an actual career he can be proud of.

But what I don't understand AT ALL is the fake moustache this kid has to wear along with the rest of the "uniform" that projects all the excitement of your neighborhood actuary.  Is he pretending to be his dad when he goes out on his "sales visits?"  Is being a Liberty Mutual Drone such a simple job that a kid can do it- if he's trained from the cradle?

Meh, I guess it could be worse.  Dad could be a member of the Amway cult.  Still, I think he needs to lay off the brainwashing bit he's got going on with his kid.  

A nice place to visit....

 

Yep, it's that time of year again- off to Tampa for another week of buffet meals, long walks under palm trees, maybe a baseball game- and, oh yeah, scoring hundreds of hundreds of essays that pop up on my screen from 8 AM to 5 PM (assuming no overtime, which is not a very good assumption given the track record.)  Can't believe how fast these years fly by. 

I love Tampa- I'm not going to live there, though.  It looks really expensive, I know from experience it's very hot and humid (even hotter and more humid than I prefer, and I actually really like that kind of weather) and I kind of like Seasons. 

See you June 9!  Until then, enjoy the archives!

Wendy's Commercials just keep getting stranger

Between seeing these mental midgets handling all this food without gloves, sticking their heads into ovens (yeah, I can see that becoming a real problem once they realize that they are over 25 years old and work at Wendy's, actually) to take deep sniffs of bacon (and get a fresh coat of grease on their faces) and then handing it to customers unwrapped on trays....yeah, I think we're all going to give it a pass, Wendy's.  

This series of commercials is just...weird.  I don't know if we are supposed to find these bizarre characters funny, or relatable (man, how sad would THAT be?) but I don't see ANY reason why any of this should convince ANYBODY to head on over to Wendy's to purchase a fat and carb sandwich any time of day.  Especially not at breakfast- the only reason I'd start my day with a pile of eggs, cheese, and sausage inside a croissant is if I intended to go right back to bed after consuming it, because that kind of "start" is going to get me "started" on a carb coma ten minutes after it hits my bloodstream.  Throw in a pile of hot oily potatoes and you don't sell a cup of coffee big or strong enough to get me to work without being pulled over for driving under the influence. 

Michelob Light's really, really dumb "tennis victory dance" commercial

 

In real life, by the time this idiot was done preening and dancing and making a total fool out of herself,* the beer in those open bottles would be flat or warm or spilled all over the tennis court.  I originally thought the message was "yeah, it's a commercial, and it's 2023, so of course the woman has triumphed over a man and you can bet it wasn't even close," but now I think it's "nothing can ruin light beer because it comes pre-ruined." 

*the actual title of this ad is "Peace Treaty"- which I guess is supposed to mean that the best way to make "peace" with a person you just beat the stuffing out of is to act like a total idiot drawing attention to yourself as you very gradually and in the most ostentatious manner possible- bring him a bottle of beer-flavored water.  Um, whatever.  

RIP, Paul Anka!*

 

The first few times I watched this commercial, I didn't realize that it was supposed to be depicting the same person at different stages in his "life" and I thought "ok, three guys live together in a house and all three are weirdly addicted to the smell of Downy fabric softener."

It turns out that no, it's only one guy- and every time he pulls clothes out of the dryer he takes a huge whiff and he is transported back to some nebulous "good old days" when he- um- also pulled clothes out of the dryer and took a huge whiff.  I guess.  And apparently there was a time in his life when he wore clothes that were comically small for him.  Either that, or we are supposed to think that he was doing laundry when he was a small child.  I don't know.  No matter how you slice it, it's really, really stupid.

*Yes I know, Paul Anka isn't officially dead yet.  He's actually only 82 years old and from what I hear, he can still croon with the best of them.  But he's proof that if you live long enough, you become the villain of your own story- or, at least, one of your iconic songs becomes the background music for a stupid soap commercial.  I'm not exactly sure how that saying goes. 

TurboTax asks us to care. We really don't.

 

(Full disclaimer:  I use TurboTax and have for probably 20 years now.  I use their site to do my taxes with minimal help from their online support staff.  Because I don't really own anything.)  

1.  If you own enough property and make enough money to make doing your taxes so complicated the thought of doing them gives you nightmares, I don't care about your and your "problems."

2.  If you can afford to hire someone to do your taxes for you, see No. 1. 

3.  I don't really care about anyone all that much, and I'm a total stranger writing a blog nobody reads, so don't get too triggered about No. 1