Grammarly Presents: the 14th and 15th Reasons Why

 

14.  This woman's "great idea" was....sparkly ketchup.  And after she managed to get it marketed, she realized that this is what she'd be known for.  Sparkly ketchup.  

15.  She then realized that she needed Grammarly to put this "great idea" into words that would sell it.  So her great idea was sparkly ketchup, but she couldn't articulate this great idea without the use of an auto-corrector that makes illiterate people look passably intelligent. 

There's your story, Netflix.  Get busy.

Hey look, it's another stupid Jardiance Commercial...

 

...featuring a morbidly obese woman "dancing" (I'm being very charitable here) to a "catchy" (again, speaking charitably) song about the joy she gets from experiencing positive results from regular consumption of a very dangerous medication which is still dangerous even though it's taken in tablet and not intravenous form. 

Jardiance "helps the body flush out some sugars," presumably resulting in less work for your natural insulin and lessening the risk of developing full-blown Type II diabetes.  But I'm pretty sure that there's an even easier, far less expensive, and much less dangerous way to help your body deal with sugars:  DON'T CONSUME THEM. 

I'm practically allergic to processed sugar, and even the sugar in some fruits can really trigger my arthritis pain flares.  I've noticed that since I've stopped adding frozen blueberries to my morning smoothies, I have less pain in my knee and ankle and less aching in my feet.  Thankfully, I don't NEED any sugar for my body to function properly.  Neither does anybody else.  And no sugar tastes as good as moving without pain feels.  Bottom line:  No more sugar for me.  And I simply can't imagine how anyone could choose Jardiance over JUST CUTTING OUT SUGARS.  Sugar is addictive and if you're used to consuming it you'll find it difficult to give up- but once you get past the early cravings, you'll be amazed at how awesome life can be without it.  Especially when the cost of consuming sugar is this very expensive, very dangerous drug.   Get a grip, people. 

This stupid "talk to your kid about vaping" commercial

 

Wouldn't it be funny if the father realized that maybe he should have a talk about an addiction his daughter ACTUALLY has, and one that he's concerned about her eventually ACQUIRING despite there being zero evidence that it's currently a problem?  Imagine this guy talking to his raging-alcoholic daughter about the dangers of huffing paint, or discussing the dangers of internet pornography with her while she's snorting coke off the coffee table in the living room.  

What am I getting at?  Dude, your daughter is addicted to Social Media.  You can't even get her attention without making a stupid Tiktok (or, god forbid, OnlyFans) clip with her.  Never mind vaping.  Get your kid help for her seriously damaging- and painfully obvious- obsession with performing dances for total strangers (including demented adults, ick.)  Deal with THAT issue.  It's a problem RIGHT NOW.  Don't be a coward and just ask your kids about theoretical problems that just maybe will pop up down the road so you can pat yourself on the back and call yourself a good parent while investing in tech to allow your daughter to make more professional videos of herself jumping around for the entertainment of creeps.  Please. 

Thanks, Golden Corral. I can quit this blog now.

 

It will never get worse than this.  I mean, seriously- can you imagine sitting at the next table from these people?  Never mind the whole Diversity Quota thing, which is stupid enough (can you imagine that this blonde woman, this pasty white guy, and this black guy are actually friends who regularly go out to eat together?  I mean, who is babysitting who here? What the actual hell?)  It's the bottom-of-the-corral barrel "conversation" that gets me. 

Everyone in this commercial should die a slow, painful death.  And if these people regularly eat at Golden Corral, well, that's pretty much in the cards anyway, isn't it?

I'd give the guy at 7-11 three bucks. Any other questions, Klondike?

 

Hey Klondike, nobody missed these stupid ads featuring stupid Americans willing to be total morons on television or- as we see here- even risk their lives* for a couple of dollars worth of ice cream and candy.  I would certainly argue that forty-plus years is enough for any advertising campaign to run it's course.  Can't you find any other way to sell your overpriced Cold Sugar Product?

*see, it's FUNNY because grandma is attached to balloons while she's - um, already eating a Klondike Bar....wait, I thought the message was that she was willing to risk a serious injury for a Klondike Bar, but if she's already eating it, what is she being bribed with again?  Is the joke that she's willing to make stupid faces that will cause her grandchildren to cringe every time this commercial comes on the air?  And what are all these people doing cheering her on- what do they get for their participation in this nonsense?  Their own Klondike Bars?  If so, I think grandma is getting seriously ripped off here. 

This kid has never been at Liberty to choose his own path, apparently

 

It's dumb enough that there's something that this father and son "always say" and it's a tag line for a stupid insurance commercial.  It just makes it worse that this little kid has been molded into a smaller version of his slack-jawed, hollow-chested insurance salesman father.  And it's downright criminal that this guy has passed down his decision to give up on life and devote himself to selling insurance with all the enthusiasm of Needlenose Ned Ryerson from Groundhog Day to his son, who after all is just a kid and has the right to want something better for himself.  You know, like an actual career he can be proud of.

But what I don't understand AT ALL is the fake moustache this kid has to wear along with the rest of the "uniform" that projects all the excitement of your neighborhood actuary.  Is he pretending to be his dad when he goes out on his "sales visits?"  Is being a Liberty Mutual Drone such a simple job that a kid can do it- if he's trained from the cradle?

Meh, I guess it could be worse.  Dad could be a member of the Amway cult.  Still, I think he needs to lay off the brainwashing bit he's got going on with his kid.  

A nice place to visit....

 

Yep, it's that time of year again- off to Tampa for another week of buffet meals, long walks under palm trees, maybe a baseball game- and, oh yeah, scoring hundreds of hundreds of essays that pop up on my screen from 8 AM to 5 PM (assuming no overtime, which is not a very good assumption given the track record.)  Can't believe how fast these years fly by. 

I love Tampa- I'm not going to live there, though.  It looks really expensive, I know from experience it's very hot and humid (even hotter and more humid than I prefer, and I actually really like that kind of weather) and I kind of like Seasons. 

See you June 9!  Until then, enjoy the archives!