These SoFi loans are made by people who have never actually been in debt. That's obvious.

 

First, why does every single SoFi commercial feature someone with exactly the same amount of debt down to the freaking penny ($4017.24?)  I mean, it doesn't matter if they got in trouble with credit cards, or had medical issues, or (in this particular case) student loans- it's always the same amount.  If we were at war, I'd think it was a secret code being sent to our enemies or something.  Heck, I still think that might be the case.

Second, why does every single person in these SoFi commercials insist on telling us that their debts are a big deal while also showing us a lifestyle suggesting the exact opposite?  All of these people have substantial apartments or houses, all seem to be gainfully employed- but $4017.24 is hanging over their heads like a freaking sword of Damocles? It didn't stop you from getting that luxury apartment or house and filling it with furniture.  Why is it bothering so much that you felt the need to get a consolidation loan (that's what SoFi is.  It's a consolidation loan service.  Period)?  I don't get it. 

This Mattress Firm Commercial shows us the times we live in

 

Look at each person in this Mattress Firm commercial.  Notice something about them?  Watch again.     

It's not just Lucia, the woman we see waking up at the beginning of the ad.  If the year was 1975 and you saw this commercial, you'd notice it immediately.  Today, it's harder to spot- because what I'm focusing on has become much, much more normal. 

Yes, I'm talking about the...um...girth of the people in this ad.  Lucia is morbidly obese.  And the other two people we see are also overweight- the guy floating through the store at the end has a sizeable belly that might not look that big to you because we just saw Lucia.  In 1975, the two Mattress Firm employees we see would be instantly recognized as carrying excess adipose tissue, and Lucia would be instantly recognized as being dangerously, almost comically fat.  In 2023, I bet most people don't even note the size of these people.  Even Lucia looks like someone we'd expect to see in the grocery store or or on the train or at the beach.  The other two people?  They don't stand out- they are pretty "normal" looking.  But the fact is that nobody in this ad looks healthy.  Yet their obvious health problems are not addressed at all.  

Lucia "woke up in the right bed," but I'm actually surprised she didn't wake up wearing a CPAP machine, as sleep apnea is extremely common among the morbidly obese.  She went to Mattress Firm and bought a mattress from two overweight people who, if they don't get their act together, are very likely to be in Lucia's situation in a few years or so.  But there's no problem, because Capitalism is on it, producing more and more stuff to help people who have weight issues ignore those weight issues for as long as possible- mattresses, seatbelt extenders, scooters, etc.- instead of responding to that big blaring alarm going off when they look in the mirror.  It's no wonder that the average lifespan in the Western World leveled off a few years ago (after rising steadily for 300 years) and is actually starting to trend downwards.  It's getting bad out here. 

Grammarly Presents: the 14th and 15th Reasons Why

 

14.  This woman's "great idea" was....sparkly ketchup.  And after she managed to get it marketed, she realized that this is what she'd be known for.  Sparkly ketchup.  

15.  She then realized that she needed Grammarly to put this "great idea" into words that would sell it.  So her great idea was sparkly ketchup, but she couldn't articulate this great idea without the use of an auto-corrector that makes illiterate people look passably intelligent. 

There's your story, Netflix.  Get busy.

Hey look, it's another stupid Jardiance Commercial...

 

...featuring a morbidly obese woman "dancing" (I'm being very charitable here) to a "catchy" (again, speaking charitably) song about the joy she gets from experiencing positive results from regular consumption of a very dangerous medication which is still dangerous even though it's taken in tablet and not intravenous form. 

Jardiance "helps the body flush out some sugars," presumably resulting in less work for your natural insulin and lessening the risk of developing full-blown Type II diabetes.  But I'm pretty sure that there's an even easier, far less expensive, and much less dangerous way to help your body deal with sugars:  DON'T CONSUME THEM. 

I'm practically allergic to processed sugar, and even the sugar in some fruits can really trigger my arthritis pain flares.  I've noticed that since I've stopped adding frozen blueberries to my morning smoothies, I have less pain in my knee and ankle and less aching in my feet.  Thankfully, I don't NEED any sugar for my body to function properly.  Neither does anybody else.  And no sugar tastes as good as moving without pain feels.  Bottom line:  No more sugar for me.  And I simply can't imagine how anyone could choose Jardiance over JUST CUTTING OUT SUGARS.  Sugar is addictive and if you're used to consuming it you'll find it difficult to give up- but once you get past the early cravings, you'll be amazed at how awesome life can be without it.  Especially when the cost of consuming sugar is this very expensive, very dangerous drug.   Get a grip, people. 

This stupid "talk to your kid about vaping" commercial

 

Wouldn't it be funny if the father realized that maybe he should have a talk about an addiction his daughter ACTUALLY has, and one that he's concerned about her eventually ACQUIRING despite there being zero evidence that it's currently a problem?  Imagine this guy talking to his raging-alcoholic daughter about the dangers of huffing paint, or discussing the dangers of internet pornography with her while she's snorting coke off the coffee table in the living room.  

What am I getting at?  Dude, your daughter is addicted to Social Media.  You can't even get her attention without making a stupid Tiktok (or, god forbid, OnlyFans) clip with her.  Never mind vaping.  Get your kid help for her seriously damaging- and painfully obvious- obsession with performing dances for total strangers (including demented adults, ick.)  Deal with THAT issue.  It's a problem RIGHT NOW.  Don't be a coward and just ask your kids about theoretical problems that just maybe will pop up down the road so you can pat yourself on the back and call yourself a good parent while investing in tech to allow your daughter to make more professional videos of herself jumping around for the entertainment of creeps.  Please. 

Thanks, Golden Corral. I can quit this blog now.

 

It will never get worse than this.  I mean, seriously- can you imagine sitting at the next table from these people?  Never mind the whole Diversity Quota thing, which is stupid enough (can you imagine that this blonde woman, this pasty white guy, and this black guy are actually friends who regularly go out to eat together?  I mean, who is babysitting who here? What the actual hell?)  It's the bottom-of-the-corral barrel "conversation" that gets me. 

Everyone in this commercial should die a slow, painful death.  And if these people regularly eat at Golden Corral, well, that's pretty much in the cards anyway, isn't it?

I'd give the guy at 7-11 three bucks. Any other questions, Klondike?

 

Hey Klondike, nobody missed these stupid ads featuring stupid Americans willing to be total morons on television or- as we see here- even risk their lives* for a couple of dollars worth of ice cream and candy.  I would certainly argue that forty-plus years is enough for any advertising campaign to run it's course.  Can't you find any other way to sell your overpriced Cold Sugar Product?

*see, it's FUNNY because grandma is attached to balloons while she's - um, already eating a Klondike Bar....wait, I thought the message was that she was willing to risk a serious injury for a Klondike Bar, but if she's already eating it, what is she being bribed with again?  Is the joke that she's willing to make stupid faces that will cause her grandchildren to cringe every time this commercial comes on the air?  And what are all these people doing cheering her on- what do they get for their participation in this nonsense?  Their own Klondike Bars?  If so, I think grandma is getting seriously ripped off here.