Evie, Ethos Life, and an annoying family preparing to die

 

So Evie is some kind if insurance genie or sprite waiting to pop into existence whenever two stupid shlubs mention the possibility of purchasing life insurance, I guess?  

Fat idiot is inexplicably standing in his own living room drinking a cup of takeout coffee and eating a pancake with his bare hands while standing perpendicular to his wife and children (wife is standing perpendicular to the children, because this is what people do, I guess.)  Nobody looks like they are doing anything other than filming a commercial, which of course is what they are doing.

Evie the Insurance Pixie shows up, flips her hair in slow motion to let us know that she's Evie the Insurance Pixie for Ethos Life, and lets the stupid parents know that they can buy life insurance without any health exam which is the first concern of the fat schlub parents because they are obviously unhealthy fat schlubs who aren't interested taking care of themselves and therefore really need life insurance.  

In seconds, this guy can use his phone- which has magically appeared in his hand to replace the pancake he dropped on the floor in reaction to Evie showing up- to find out how much money he can leave his dependents if/when he drops dead of a heart attack, probably while stuffing something unhealthy into the cake hole under his nose.  Happy Ending for his family, happy ending for this commercial, happy ending especially if he's considerate enough to have that heart attack at work and not in the living room. 

Prevagen's con is hiding in plain sight

 

It's a spectacular failure of the FDA that places like GNC can not only exist but become multi-billion dollar entities peddling BS "supplements" that can promise basically anything as long as they don't claim to be medication.  It's another spectacular failure of the FDA- and America's "truth" in advertising laws- that we can be regularly buried with the claims of elderly people who we are told STRAIGHT OUT are accepting money in exchange for BS about a non-drug that "improves brain performance" or whatever.

These people are identified as "Paid Testimonialists" ("testimonialist" is not even recognized as a word by my spellcheck, but whatever- it still sounds better than "shill" or "liar.")  They are being handed cash to make claims about a pill which has as its main ingredient jellyfish protein (we all know how jellyfish never forget anything.  Ever see a confused jellyfish?  Well, there you go.)  

My best guess is that Prevagen doesn't cause any harm,* which is the gold standard for anything you can pick up at GNC or the "Holistic Supplement" aisle of your grocery store.  What a racket.

*except to your wallet, since "regular strength" costs about a dollar a day and "professional strength" (more jellyfish protein?  More Vitamin D?) about three dollars a day.  Again, what a racket.

I think you meant "Rue the day," Burger King

 

Adding up the damage, we find that this $5 meal comes to 930 calories, fully half of which is comprised of FAT- and that's being generous and assuming that the soda is Diet.  If it's not, we're talking more like 1200 calories.  For one meal.  With very, very little nutritional value but lots and lots of empty carbs that will leave you feeling bloated for a very brief amount of time, and then very hungry at almost exactly the time you find yourself driving home from work, right past Burger King, which I'm sure is totally coincidental.  

So if you want to consume 2/3rds of your recommended calorie intake- and more than 100 percent of your recommended fat and salt intake- in fifteen minutes or so of sad grazing in your car or at a booth inside one of your local Burger King "restaurants," well, here's your opportunity to do it for not a whole lot of money.  Just keep in mind that if you eat pretty much ANYTHING for breakfast and dinner, you've got nobody but yourself to blame when your A1C is up at your next doctor's visit, not to mention that lousy exhausted, foggy-brained feeling you had all afternoon after inhaling this garbage in a moment of weakness because some stupid jingle was in your head, it only costs $5 and it was, after all, Right There. 

These SoFi loans are made by people who have never actually been in debt. That's obvious.

 

First, why does every single SoFi commercial feature someone with exactly the same amount of debt down to the freaking penny ($4017.24?)  I mean, it doesn't matter if they got in trouble with credit cards, or had medical issues, or (in this particular case) student loans- it's always the same amount.  If we were at war, I'd think it was a secret code being sent to our enemies or something.  Heck, I still think that might be the case.

Second, why does every single person in these SoFi commercials insist on telling us that their debts are a big deal while also showing us a lifestyle suggesting the exact opposite?  All of these people have substantial apartments or houses, all seem to be gainfully employed- but $4017.24 is hanging over their heads like a freaking sword of Damocles? It didn't stop you from getting that luxury apartment or house and filling it with furniture.  Why is it bothering so much that you felt the need to get a consolidation loan (that's what SoFi is.  It's a consolidation loan service.  Period)?  I don't get it. 

This Mattress Firm Commercial shows us the times we live in

 

Look at each person in this Mattress Firm commercial.  Notice something about them?  Watch again.     

It's not just Lucia, the woman we see waking up at the beginning of the ad.  If the year was 1975 and you saw this commercial, you'd notice it immediately.  Today, it's harder to spot- because what I'm focusing on has become much, much more normal. 

Yes, I'm talking about the...um...girth of the people in this ad.  Lucia is morbidly obese.  And the other two people we see are also overweight- the guy floating through the store at the end has a sizeable belly that might not look that big to you because we just saw Lucia.  In 1975, the two Mattress Firm employees we see would be instantly recognized as carrying excess adipose tissue, and Lucia would be instantly recognized as being dangerously, almost comically fat.  In 2023, I bet most people don't even note the size of these people.  Even Lucia looks like someone we'd expect to see in the grocery store or or on the train or at the beach.  The other two people?  They don't stand out- they are pretty "normal" looking.  But the fact is that nobody in this ad looks healthy.  Yet their obvious health problems are not addressed at all.  

Lucia "woke up in the right bed," but I'm actually surprised she didn't wake up wearing a CPAP machine, as sleep apnea is extremely common among the morbidly obese.  She went to Mattress Firm and bought a mattress from two overweight people who, if they don't get their act together, are very likely to be in Lucia's situation in a few years or so.  But there's no problem, because Capitalism is on it, producing more and more stuff to help people who have weight issues ignore those weight issues for as long as possible- mattresses, seatbelt extenders, scooters, etc.- instead of responding to that big blaring alarm going off when they look in the mirror.  It's no wonder that the average lifespan in the Western World leveled off a few years ago (after rising steadily for 300 years) and is actually starting to trend downwards.  It's getting bad out here. 

Grammarly Presents: the 14th and 15th Reasons Why

 

14.  This woman's "great idea" was....sparkly ketchup.  And after she managed to get it marketed, she realized that this is what she'd be known for.  Sparkly ketchup.  

15.  She then realized that she needed Grammarly to put this "great idea" into words that would sell it.  So her great idea was sparkly ketchup, but she couldn't articulate this great idea without the use of an auto-corrector that makes illiterate people look passably intelligent. 

There's your story, Netflix.  Get busy.

Hey look, it's another stupid Jardiance Commercial...

 

...featuring a morbidly obese woman "dancing" (I'm being very charitable here) to a "catchy" (again, speaking charitably) song about the joy she gets from experiencing positive results from regular consumption of a very dangerous medication which is still dangerous even though it's taken in tablet and not intravenous form. 

Jardiance "helps the body flush out some sugars," presumably resulting in less work for your natural insulin and lessening the risk of developing full-blown Type II diabetes.  But I'm pretty sure that there's an even easier, far less expensive, and much less dangerous way to help your body deal with sugars:  DON'T CONSUME THEM. 

I'm practically allergic to processed sugar, and even the sugar in some fruits can really trigger my arthritis pain flares.  I've noticed that since I've stopped adding frozen blueberries to my morning smoothies, I have less pain in my knee and ankle and less aching in my feet.  Thankfully, I don't NEED any sugar for my body to function properly.  Neither does anybody else.  And no sugar tastes as good as moving without pain feels.  Bottom line:  No more sugar for me.  And I simply can't imagine how anyone could choose Jardiance over JUST CUTTING OUT SUGARS.  Sugar is addictive and if you're used to consuming it you'll find it difficult to give up- but once you get past the early cravings, you'll be amazed at how awesome life can be without it.  Especially when the cost of consuming sugar is this very expensive, very dangerous drug.   Get a grip, people.