This National Debt Relief Commercial hurts my brain

 

Every time I see an ad for ANY debt relief commercial, I'm reminded of a story I heard on the radio many, many years ago.  It goes like this:  a guy experiences a windfall- I think he won the lottery or something.  The guy's brother-in-law approaches him with the sad sad story of how he owes $18,000 in credit card bills and how it would be a real life-saver if he could clear that debt from his books.   So of course the lottery winner hands his brother-in-law $18,000 because hey Everyone Deserves A Second Chance, right?

Six months later, the brother-in-law approaches the lottery winner again because...he's now $18,000 in credit card debt.  This time, the lottery winner says "no" to another bailout, and they haven't spoken since because How Could He (the lottery winner, of course) Be So Selfish?

I am pretty sure that 90 percent of the people who actually get bailed out of their credit card bills actually end up like that brother-in-law- right back in debt, because they haven't learned a damn thing about controlling their spending.  Yes, I am aware that some people get hit with unexpected medical bills, expensive divorces and the like, but let's be honest; the vast majority of people who have big credit card bills are in that situation because they are addicted to spending.  Giving them a break is like handing an alcoholic a free case of beer.  

At least when one declares bankruptcy, one suffers real consequences:  a ding on the credit report that actually FORCES one to live within one's means, at least for a time.  The people in these commercials don't think that they have a lesson to learn- they just want a bailout.  There's a reason why doctors don't prescribe weight-loss surgery without also prescribing therapy; it's because without therapy, the people who get weight-loss surgery are very likely to go right back to the habits which made them need the surgery in the first place, and insurance companies aren't really keen on paying for multiple expensive procedures.  The same concept needs to apply to debt relief- want a bailout?  Ok, but you're going to have to learn how to live within your means, because we can't keep doing this.  Time to do a little growing up now and learning how to say "no" every once in a while. 

And then the guy in this OnDeck commercial woke up...

 

...from his beautiful dream of running a twee donut shop which somehow offered roughly thirty flavors of donuts and was so incredibly popular that he had a line of customers down the block waiting to buy something they can get cheaper at the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru thirty yards away.  It was such an awesome dream, too- he was being SO profitable that he needed to hire more people, which required a quick business loan because....um....he's being so profitable. 

Wait, what?  You know how you are having a nice dream and suddenly it gets stupid and unrealistic and that's when you wake up because your brain can't handle the contradictions?  Well, that happens to this guy before a Loan Falcon can crash through his window with money falling out of it's beak.  It happens when he simultaneously celebrates the massive success of his company AND frets that he needs a loan.  Personally, it would have happened for me when I realized that there is simply no way that I am creating donuts so freaking awesome that people are willing to line up on the sidewalk like I'm the freaking Soup Nazi.  What's in these donuts, heroin?

Coming soon:  that commercial with the awful awful girl who grows up with an obsession with lemons who thinks she's going to turn that obsession into a profitable business because America and Dreams and such.  

The Really Scary Thing about this Energizer Battery Commercial

 

I had no idea that they even MADE electric toothbrushes that used batteries and weren't rechargeable.  I don't care how good these batteries are; this woman should have a landfill dedicated to her and her stupid toothbrush.

It's called rechargeable, stupid woman.  Less than $20 on Amazon.  Lithium is pollution.  Get with the program. 

Point of Personal Privilege: How the "Mission Impossible" series picked up the ball dropped by James Bond

 

When I was growing up, the Bond Series was the gold standard for action spy thriller popcorn entertainment.  Every other summer, audiences could expect to see Mr. Bond take on SPECTRE or some megalomaniac who wanted to start World War III or kill everyone on Earth For Reasons.  It was silly, campy fun and even when Roger Moore was staggering around the screen looking like he had forgotten to take his arthritis meds, we always walked out of the theater figuring we had gotten our money's worth.

During the reign of Daniel Craig (2006-2022) the Bond series definitely lost it's way.  The new Bond was morose, pouting, and dull.  The villains were limp and their grand schemes were not grand at all.  Remember the guy who wanted to crash the economy by nuking Fort Knox?  Now we have a guy who wants to win a card game, and another who wants to assassinate M.  Remember Blofeld sitting inside a volcano getting ready to "inaugurate a little war" involving the deaths of 3 billion people and the ascendancy of Red China as the new world power?  Now we have a Blofeld with Daddy Issues who wants to punish Bond because he didn't get enough attention as a child.  What a bore.  Where are my larger-than-life villains??

The answer:  they are in the Mission Impossible films.  These really are the new Bond movies, and they have been at least since the Craig era began and arguably from the waiter-with-a-machine-gun forgettable Pierce Brosnan period as well.  Here's where we find our unstoppable secret agent out to save the world from a shadowy organization (the Broccolis murdered SPECTRE a few minutes after finally gaining the rights to the name after a 30-year legal battle, what a waste!) intent on chaos.  Here's where we get our popcorn-munching fun that doesn't ask us to psychoanalyze the hero or suggest that he go on depression meds. 

With the exception of the god-awful, Almost Series-Killing second installment, there is no run of films that have been more reliably entertaining than these.  We walk into the theater knowing what we are going to get, getting it, and still being amazed at the consistent quality provided.  Bond?  Seriously, who cares if they recast the character?  We've got a shelf full of DVDs featuring Ethan Hunt doing everything Bond used to do and doing it better.  The only thing the Brocollis have been good at lately is making us wait years to find out how bad the next installment is going to be.  

Sorry, Mr. Bond.  Your time has passed.  It was a fine ride- for a while.  But you went out with a whimper and not a bang.  It's been the Hunt era for several decades now, and you've got no one but yourself to blame; you opened the door, and Hunt crashed through it.  Just in time. 

All Morons with low credit scores On Deck (fixed it for you!)

 

The YouTube mouth-breathers who may or may not be actual people (and here's hoping they are NOT) just adore "Loan Cannon" and "Loan Falcon" and one even hopes that we see a "Loan Rino" in the future, probably because this particular poster OD'd sniffing glue somewhere around 1985 and has been drooling into his keyboard since Dial-Up was all the rage.

Me?  I think this is equal portions sad and stupid.  Sad because in all these ads for "On Deck Loans" we see people with problems most employed middle-class people deal with by whipping out a credit card lunging desperately for money from any source- the nice Native American guy from Western Sky Financing ("the money is expensive, but it's here when you need it so bend over",)  the pawn shop on the corner, Rocko who will only GENTLEY break your legs if you don't pay up on time- when faced with an unexpected, yet completely predictable, cash shortfall.  Stupid because- well, again, check out the kind of people these ads appeal to:  the kind of people who high-five the writers and want a whole series of this garbage.  

Sketchers: Another Sign of the Times

 

I'm always impressed on how completely common activities can become "a real pain" overnight.  Suddenly bending over to put on shoes is a war crime that we modern people no longer need to put up with because Check Out These Amazing New Slip-Ons From Sketchers!  

Add these things to scramble-in-the-shell egg beaters, Carnation Instant Breakfast, Lunchables, Rear-view car cameras and about ten thousand other devices you never realized you Absolutely Needed But Just Assumed Were Impossible that have become available through the Miracle of Capitalism and the Magic of Gullibility combined with the Curse of Instant Gratification.  Get ready to hear from thousands upon thousands of people celebrating the breaking of the shackles of Bending Over To Put On Shoes-

"I thought I'd never leave the house again.  What a game-changer!"

"For years, I've suffered from the agony of reaching down to put on shoes.  Finally, someone listened to my cries for relief!"

"My BMI is 45, and I'm not certain I still even HAVE feet, but when I move whatever is below my knees a certain way, they seem to get covered by soft objects and they are warmer when I venture outside, so I assume these sneaker things are responsible for that- and the fact that I experience less sudden, sharp pains while walking to my mobility cart while wearing these is another plus!"

I just want to know when someone is going to invent a way to put on my coat without the whole right arm goes in here left arm goes in there thing, because man that's such a hassle half the time I don't even bother and just stay inside. 

Those Car Shield Radio Ads- Endlessly Entertaining, Endlessly Frustrating, Remarkably Consistent

 

1.  "This is a special alert..." so special, it's been repeated on radio hundreds of times a day for several decades now.

2.  "Due to a decline in the economy..."  First- has the economy been declining for twenty years?  Because that's how long this ad has been running.  Second, are you really trying to sell us the idea that Car Shield is responding to an economic downturn by providing car warranties?  Well, how nice of Car Shield. 

3.  This plan is "now available to the public."  As opposed to being previously available to- who, exactly?

4.  "Call now to find out how you can pay almost nothing for future car repairs."  What does "Almost Nothing" mean to Car Shield?  Just the premiums for the "month to month" (instantly cancellable by Car Shield, good luck doing it from your end) non-insurance?

5.  "An open phone line has been established for all drivers to call for a quick free quote"- first, "open phone line has been established" means "we've contracted with an Indian phone center."  Second, the quote being free is not a selling point.  Who pays for a quote on anything?

6.  "Drivers who are covered will not have to pay for covered repairs again."  This is my all-time favorite line- not in this commercial, but in the history of commercials.  What are "covered repairs?"  Don't worry, Car Shield will let you know when you call asking to use your "coverage."  But here's a hint:  Whatever is broken ain't covered, sucker.

7.  "Cost of this protection plan is at an all-time low"...again, it's been at an all-time low for twenty years now.  And I'm sorry, but this isn't a little white lie- it's a blatantly false claim.  I guarantee that Car Shield's rates have gone up since this commercial first aired.  

8.  "Drivers who activate this coverage today will also receive free roadside assistance..."  So if I called yesterday, this coverage didn't include free roadside assistance?  If I call tomorrow, this coverage won't include free roadside assistance?  How could that be, since this ad has been on the radio for TWENTY YEARS?

9.  "...and car rental options at no additional cost."  What does "car rental options" mean? If it means "you have the option to rent a car," well, I have that now.  Without giving Car Shield a single premium.

10.  Then we get the 800 number four times and "what do you have to lose?"  Um, the two things I can't afford to lose- Time, and Money.    It only cost me one of those to write this post.  You scumbags don't get any of the other thing- not from me, anyway.  No matter how many times the economy "declines" or how free the call is.  It clearly costs far less to run the same stupid ad for two decades than you take in from premiums that never cover the repairs that need coverage, so I guess you soulless weasels will just keep running it.  But man this act has gone stale.