KFC asks us to rethink our choice of poison...

 

...and it's pretty much impossible to choose wisely...*

Anyone else more than a little annoyed at the creepy little kid in this ad acting as if the box of deep-fried diabetes is some kind of treasure chest featuring fascinating, never-before-seen relics of ancient days or the contents of a meteorite or- if he were a year or so old- a ring of colorful keys?  What is WITH this kid?  IT'S FRIED JUNK.  IF YOU ARE REALLY STUPID, YOU EAT IT.  PERIOD.  Stop holding up bits of this crap like you've never experienced the awesomeness of greasy edible (sort of) junk trinket chicken parts with soggy biscuits and oil sponge potatoes. 

But if you do decide to stop examining the crime against humanity that is calories served up by KFC, you'd better hurry- there are only four pieces of chicken in this box, along with four biscuits, a handful of fries and another handful of Chopped Pressed Chicken Slurry which I guess are called "nuggets," to remind you of gold or something.  If this is a family of four it means each person gets one piece of bird bone with some meat attached to it, a lump of white starch,  and a handful each of sliced tuber and that lovely fried chicken powder.  Somehow this is seen as a bargain at $20 plus tax, even though $20 plus tax will actually buy several substantial meals for this family that WON'T add to the Great American Diabetes Epidemic.

Again, though- get that kid some help.  Nobody his age should be fascinated by junk "food."  Nobody who has spent his life in the United States, anyway. 

*When it comes to take-out pizza or take-out KFC, there's no real choice other than to take Joshua's advice- the only way to win this game is, not to play. 

Apparently, it's easy to spell "Ethos" without "Ethics."

 

Gee, I wonder why two morbidly obese adults would be concerned about "invasive health questions" from prospective life insurance providers.  Especially since these two morbidly obese adults have zero interest in doing anything that might make the risk to Ethos or any other insurance company a little more manageable.

"Hey now John, you just stop right there.  You don't know- maybe It's GeneticTM and that's just their Set Point WeightTM and maybe they eat right and exercise but Can't Lose WeightTM because it's Just The Way They AreTM.  Who are you to judge, you Fatphobic F--k?"

Well, fact is I do have evidence that High Risk is something these two choads have totally brought upon themselves, and I'll lay it all out for you, courtesy of the Pause button.  Your honor, I present to you the contents of the kitchen cupboard shown in this ad:

Stuffing Mix.

Graham Crackers.

"Crispy Wheat" Crackers.

Sausage and Egg Biscuits which, being in the cupboard rather than the freezer, may have even more preservatives than fat and salt. 

Soy Flakes.  I don't even want to know. 

A can that looks like it's beans but apparently is some kind of chicken concoction.  Again, ignorance is an advantage here.

A box of Shredded Wheat Squares.  Probably the most healthy thing on the shelf, which is saying nothing. 

Mother Nature's Bounty Granola Bars.  No doubt the snack that ties this family over between snacks. 

And, finally, a box of something that may or may not be Apple Jacks but considering that no other actual name brands are displayed, I'm guessing is just generic sugary cereal junk.

In other words- junk, junk, and more junk.  The kind of junk that leaves you perpetually hungry and perpetually eating, which in turn leaves your waistline expanding and your heart and organs first crying out for help and then finally just looking at each other and shrugging.  

Yeah, I can see why health questions would be seen as "invasive" to these stupid, self-destructive idiots who Should Not Have Been Allowed to Breed.  And I can't imagine how limited and/or expensive Ethos Life is if it's willing to cover people who are all but certain to die in a painful and economically crippling manner unless they get their act together, and quickly.  I just wish Evie the Ethos Sprite would go to work for Child Protective Services because jeeeeesh, these kids are innocents and are in desperate need of help. 

Chevy Summer makes us long for Back to School Ads

 

Where do YOU want to be when it's 100 degrees in the shade?  Why, your local Chevy Dealership of course!  I mean, nothing goes with record temperatures better than soft pavement and cars you could cook an egg on...

"We have the largest inventory in the Northeast!"  Nowadays, that means they have an inventory slightly larger than the rental car place Walter Mitty went to in Greenland- a red one, and a blue one.  

"We have the new Chevy TRAX," which is cool because "tracks" is spelled "trax" and who the heck doesn't want an X in the name of their car?  I mean, it's so cool.  Unlike that parking lot.

"...and all the options you've been dreaming about..." but not at that "starting" cost, right?  That $21,000 refers to a car that doesn't exist, at least not on that lot.  A car that doesn't have any bells or whistles.  A car they don't want to sell you because Come On You Can't Be The Only Person On Your Street Without Bluetooth In Your Car.  

And if you're dreaming about electronic options for your car, well....it's nice to dream small, I guess.  

More fun with Colonial Penn

 

Or "yeah yeah my mom's dead very sad hey look I got a check!"

Gotta love how fast this casual conversation between a creepy stalking neighbor who decides to ambush a woman just innocently checking her mail turns from "so sorry about what happened to your mom" to "hey funerals are expensive let's make this about ME!"  In fact, we go from about 2.5 seconds of sort-of-mourning to bloodless "let's talk money" which is basically a lukewarm pitch for a life insurance company that loves to monopolize spots on daytime tv (you know, when only seniors are watching.)

Also gotta love how the woman who gets the check makes no mention of how much that check is worth- did it actually cover the funeral expenses- but instead focuses entirely on how "affordable" the "coverage" was.  Thirty-five cents a day sounds better than ten bucks a month, I suppose, but if I were the neighbor I'd be a lot more interested in how much "coverage" that ten bucks a month actually BOUGHT.  I mean, it would be the very first thing I'd ask, as long as we clearly aren't into privacy in this fish bowl suburb anyway.  I wouldn't forget to ask how much it cost, but I'd be asking how big that check was first, and for long the policy was held a close second.  How much the coverage cost would be a distant third- but it's the ONLY subject brought up here.

In fact, we are told that the check "helps" cover the expenses- what does that mean?  If you thought that 

Colonial Penn paid for funerals, well, you weren't listening very carefully.  Colonial Penn only promises to "help," in the same way that Car Shield "helps" cover car repairs and provides roadside "assistance."  What constitutes help is left in question- again, because we aren't given any details about that check the nice woman with the dead mom was "waiting for" (she doesn't seem happy with the size of the check, or disappointed- she doesn't react at all.  It's just a check.  It "helps."  Whatever.)

Actually no, On Deck....

 

How is applying for a loan that must be paid back plus interest a "better way" of getting money for my small business than yelling "Loan Cannon" and having the money I need just blasted harmlessly into my face?  If I owned a small business- or needed money for any reason- I'd take the Loan Cannon option over the On Deck option every day and twice on Sundays.

And yes, On Deck, I am picking on you this summer.  Because I'm lazy, and you make it so, so very easy. 

This National Debt Relief Commercial hurts my brain

 

Every time I see an ad for ANY debt relief commercial, I'm reminded of a story I heard on the radio many, many years ago.  It goes like this:  a guy experiences a windfall- I think he won the lottery or something.  The guy's brother-in-law approaches him with the sad sad story of how he owes $18,000 in credit card bills and how it would be a real life-saver if he could clear that debt from his books.   So of course the lottery winner hands his brother-in-law $18,000 because hey Everyone Deserves A Second Chance, right?

Six months later, the brother-in-law approaches the lottery winner again because...he's now $18,000 in credit card debt.  This time, the lottery winner says "no" to another bailout, and they haven't spoken since because How Could He (the lottery winner, of course) Be So Selfish?

I am pretty sure that 90 percent of the people who actually get bailed out of their credit card bills actually end up like that brother-in-law- right back in debt, because they haven't learned a damn thing about controlling their spending.  Yes, I am aware that some people get hit with unexpected medical bills, expensive divorces and the like, but let's be honest; the vast majority of people who have big credit card bills are in that situation because they are addicted to spending.  Giving them a break is like handing an alcoholic a free case of beer.  

At least when one declares bankruptcy, one suffers real consequences:  a ding on the credit report that actually FORCES one to live within one's means, at least for a time.  The people in these commercials don't think that they have a lesson to learn- they just want a bailout.  There's a reason why doctors don't prescribe weight-loss surgery without also prescribing therapy; it's because without therapy, the people who get weight-loss surgery are very likely to go right back to the habits which made them need the surgery in the first place, and insurance companies aren't really keen on paying for multiple expensive procedures.  The same concept needs to apply to debt relief- want a bailout?  Ok, but you're going to have to learn how to live within your means, because we can't keep doing this.  Time to do a little growing up now and learning how to say "no" every once in a while. 

And then the guy in this OnDeck commercial woke up...

 

...from his beautiful dream of running a twee donut shop which somehow offered roughly thirty flavors of donuts and was so incredibly popular that he had a line of customers down the block waiting to buy something they can get cheaper at the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru thirty yards away.  It was such an awesome dream, too- he was being SO profitable that he needed to hire more people, which required a quick business loan because....um....he's being so profitable. 

Wait, what?  You know how you are having a nice dream and suddenly it gets stupid and unrealistic and that's when you wake up because your brain can't handle the contradictions?  Well, that happens to this guy before a Loan Falcon can crash through his window with money falling out of it's beak.  It happens when he simultaneously celebrates the massive success of his company AND frets that he needs a loan.  Personally, it would have happened for me when I realized that there is simply no way that I am creating donuts so freaking awesome that people are willing to line up on the sidewalk like I'm the freaking Soup Nazi.  What's in these donuts, heroin?

Coming soon:  that commercial with the awful awful girl who grows up with an obsession with lemons who thinks she's going to turn that obsession into a profitable business because America and Dreams and such.