The never-answered question I have for Colonial Penn Life Insurance

 

(Never answered by Colonial Penn in any of their ads, anyway....)

According to this spokeschoad, the ONLY thing anyone is ever concerned about when purchasing life insurance (or any other insurance, for that matter) is Price, Price, and Price.  As in "how much does it cost, can I afford it, will the rates ever change?"  But of course, this is NOT the only item a consumer should be concerned about when purchasing insurance.  There's another P that Colonial Penn only hints at in all of it's ads, and that word is "Payout."  As in "Payout Amount."

In every single one of these noxious, fetid commercials- and especially the ones that feature actors who would be a disgrace to any neighborhood drama club- we get nothing but hints concerning how much Colonial Penn will hand recipients of their "$9.95 plan."  We see people off-handedly comment on how the payments "can help" pay for this and "contribute" to paying for that.  Kind of like Endurance and Car Shield yakking about "Roadside Assistance" and "helping" with car rentals, which could mean anything from "I suggest you call AAA" to "I understand Budget still rents cars, google their number on your Smartphone, dummy."  

What we are NEVER given is an actual amount- as in, if grandma lets Colonial Penn charge her VISA card $9.95 a month for five years and then kicks off having paid a total of $600 in premiums, how much does her son get toward putting her body in a box and dumping it into a hole decorated by a carved piece of Vermont Granite?  

Turns out that Colonial Penn sells life insurance by the "unit," and each "unit" is $9.95 per month.  And how much coverage do you get for $9.95 per month?  For two years, none at all.  After that- about $700.

Considering that Colonial Penn itself likes to remind us that "the average funeral can cost $30,000,"  you're going to need to buy a lot more units if you want to come close to covering your fancy party followed by dirt nap.  But Colonial Penn caps the number of "units" each customer can buy at 12- which would cost you $119 per month, and pay out-- about $8600.  And remember, there's that 2-year waiting period to prevent people from spending their final seconds on Earth- maybe during a heart attack- from buying insurance with their last gasp, because you know people will do that.  People are scum.

So in fact, there's actually no way to use Colonial Penn Insurance to cover the cost of a funeral.  A cremation, sure, but that's cheap anyway- why even bother with insurance to cover the cost of cremation?  Don't send Colonial Penn any money- just set aside $10 a month in your own, interest-bearing account.  And live a few years, which Colonial Penn's own plan requires in any case.

So yeah, Colonial Penn, your price is the selling point- your ONLY selling point.  It's the "As Low As..." scam that anyone who has ever pulled up to Jiffy Lube expecting to get an oil change for $29.99 is very, very familiar with.  Of course, nobody who wants actual coverage is going to sign up for that $9.95 plan because it's basically worthless- your company plans on people hanging up the phone confused and a little distressed that they called you willing to invest ten bucks a month and ended up agreeing to eight or nine times that because the nice young man you hired to take the call took them on a polite but firm guilt trip.  I have another P for you- "Pass."  

I guess this is just my summer of picking on Ethos...*

 

...because here we go again...

I don't know what I find more concerning about this ad:  that this couple is visiting a scam physic (but I repeat myself) or that they are visiting a scam psychic apparently just seconds before this woman gives birth to a beach ball (I mean, come on- how did she even get into that room?  Was she wheeled in?  Because I don't see her walking around with that thing.  Like, at all.)

Or maybe it's that this ugly guy got this cute woman pregnant in the first place.  Ah, the power of money.  It can get you a hot partner...but be prepared for her to push you to get a life insurance policy, like, immediately, because she's got plans beyond her life with you.  I'm sure she's already a little mortified at the fact that her Meal Ticket had to go to Ethos Life to get a policy, though.  I'm pretty sure she was expecting a lot more as her part of the bargain.  Hope the picket fence is nice at least. 

*It's not like I can afford to make it a Subaru Summer, after all.  

KFC asks us to rethink our choice of poison...

 

...and it's pretty much impossible to choose wisely...*

Anyone else more than a little annoyed at the creepy little kid in this ad acting as if the box of deep-fried diabetes is some kind of treasure chest featuring fascinating, never-before-seen relics of ancient days or the contents of a meteorite or- if he were a year or so old- a ring of colorful keys?  What is WITH this kid?  IT'S FRIED JUNK.  IF YOU ARE REALLY STUPID, YOU EAT IT.  PERIOD.  Stop holding up bits of this crap like you've never experienced the awesomeness of greasy edible (sort of) junk trinket chicken parts with soggy biscuits and oil sponge potatoes. 

But if you do decide to stop examining the crime against humanity that is calories served up by KFC, you'd better hurry- there are only four pieces of chicken in this box, along with four biscuits, a handful of fries and another handful of Chopped Pressed Chicken Slurry which I guess are called "nuggets," to remind you of gold or something.  If this is a family of four it means each person gets one piece of bird bone with some meat attached to it, a lump of white starch,  and a handful each of sliced tuber and that lovely fried chicken powder.  Somehow this is seen as a bargain at $20 plus tax, even though $20 plus tax will actually buy several substantial meals for this family that WON'T add to the Great American Diabetes Epidemic.

Again, though- get that kid some help.  Nobody his age should be fascinated by junk "food."  Nobody who has spent his life in the United States, anyway. 

*When it comes to take-out pizza or take-out KFC, there's no real choice other than to take Joshua's advice- the only way to win this game is, not to play. 

Apparently, it's easy to spell "Ethos" without "Ethics."

 

Gee, I wonder why two morbidly obese adults would be concerned about "invasive health questions" from prospective life insurance providers.  Especially since these two morbidly obese adults have zero interest in doing anything that might make the risk to Ethos or any other insurance company a little more manageable.

"Hey now John, you just stop right there.  You don't know- maybe It's GeneticTM and that's just their Set Point WeightTM and maybe they eat right and exercise but Can't Lose WeightTM because it's Just The Way They AreTM.  Who are you to judge, you Fatphobic F--k?"

Well, fact is I do have evidence that High Risk is something these two choads have totally brought upon themselves, and I'll lay it all out for you, courtesy of the Pause button.  Your honor, I present to you the contents of the kitchen cupboard shown in this ad:

Stuffing Mix.

Graham Crackers.

"Crispy Wheat" Crackers.

Sausage and Egg Biscuits which, being in the cupboard rather than the freezer, may have even more preservatives than fat and salt. 

Soy Flakes.  I don't even want to know. 

A can that looks like it's beans but apparently is some kind of chicken concoction.  Again, ignorance is an advantage here.

A box of Shredded Wheat Squares.  Probably the most healthy thing on the shelf, which is saying nothing. 

Mother Nature's Bounty Granola Bars.  No doubt the snack that ties this family over between snacks. 

And, finally, a box of something that may or may not be Apple Jacks but considering that no other actual name brands are displayed, I'm guessing is just generic sugary cereal junk.

In other words- junk, junk, and more junk.  The kind of junk that leaves you perpetually hungry and perpetually eating, which in turn leaves your waistline expanding and your heart and organs first crying out for help and then finally just looking at each other and shrugging.  

Yeah, I can see why health questions would be seen as "invasive" to these stupid, self-destructive idiots who Should Not Have Been Allowed to Breed.  And I can't imagine how limited and/or expensive Ethos Life is if it's willing to cover people who are all but certain to die in a painful and economically crippling manner unless they get their act together, and quickly.  I just wish Evie the Ethos Sprite would go to work for Child Protective Services because jeeeeesh, these kids are innocents and are in desperate need of help. 

Chevy Summer makes us long for Back to School Ads

 

Where do YOU want to be when it's 100 degrees in the shade?  Why, your local Chevy Dealership of course!  I mean, nothing goes with record temperatures better than soft pavement and cars you could cook an egg on...

"We have the largest inventory in the Northeast!"  Nowadays, that means they have an inventory slightly larger than the rental car place Walter Mitty went to in Greenland- a red one, and a blue one.  

"We have the new Chevy TRAX," which is cool because "tracks" is spelled "trax" and who the heck doesn't want an X in the name of their car?  I mean, it's so cool.  Unlike that parking lot.

"...and all the options you've been dreaming about..." but not at that "starting" cost, right?  That $21,000 refers to a car that doesn't exist, at least not on that lot.  A car that doesn't have any bells or whistles.  A car they don't want to sell you because Come On You Can't Be The Only Person On Your Street Without Bluetooth In Your Car.  

And if you're dreaming about electronic options for your car, well....it's nice to dream small, I guess.  

More fun with Colonial Penn

 

Or "yeah yeah my mom's dead very sad hey look I got a check!"

Gotta love how fast this casual conversation between a creepy stalking neighbor who decides to ambush a woman just innocently checking her mail turns from "so sorry about what happened to your mom" to "hey funerals are expensive let's make this about ME!"  In fact, we go from about 2.5 seconds of sort-of-mourning to bloodless "let's talk money" which is basically a lukewarm pitch for a life insurance company that loves to monopolize spots on daytime tv (you know, when only seniors are watching.)

Also gotta love how the woman who gets the check makes no mention of how much that check is worth- did it actually cover the funeral expenses- but instead focuses entirely on how "affordable" the "coverage" was.  Thirty-five cents a day sounds better than ten bucks a month, I suppose, but if I were the neighbor I'd be a lot more interested in how much "coverage" that ten bucks a month actually BOUGHT.  I mean, it would be the very first thing I'd ask, as long as we clearly aren't into privacy in this fish bowl suburb anyway.  I wouldn't forget to ask how much it cost, but I'd be asking how big that check was first, and for long the policy was held a close second.  How much the coverage cost would be a distant third- but it's the ONLY subject brought up here.

In fact, we are told that the check "helps" cover the expenses- what does that mean?  If you thought that 

Colonial Penn paid for funerals, well, you weren't listening very carefully.  Colonial Penn only promises to "help," in the same way that Car Shield "helps" cover car repairs and provides roadside "assistance."  What constitutes help is left in question- again, because we aren't given any details about that check the nice woman with the dead mom was "waiting for" (she doesn't seem happy with the size of the check, or disappointed- she doesn't react at all.  It's just a check.  It "helps."  Whatever.)

Actually no, On Deck....

 

How is applying for a loan that must be paid back plus interest a "better way" of getting money for my small business than yelling "Loan Cannon" and having the money I need just blasted harmlessly into my face?  If I owned a small business- or needed money for any reason- I'd take the Loan Cannon option over the On Deck option every day and twice on Sundays.

And yes, On Deck, I am picking on you this summer.  Because I'm lazy, and you make it so, so very easy.