Where can David Ortiz possibly go from here?

 

2022:  David Ortiz appears in commercials for Cryptocurrency, "subtly" encouraging thousands of economically-ignorant viewers to put actual money into a mirage.  It's kind of hard to see which group of CryptoCrap "investors" are dumber- the ones who invest because they see a sports or entertainment millionaire suggest that its a good idea, or the ones who invest because they want to make a bold stand against "Fiat" currency by putting some of their own into an "Unregulated" (and therefore better, because remember how much more stable banks were before the Great Depression, when the official policy of the Federal Government was Hands Off.)  They both end up in the same place- wondering where their "worthless" paper money is and wishing they had it back.

2023:  David Ortiz appears in commercials for DraftKings, "subtly" encouraging thousands of economically-ignorant viewers that putting their money at risk every few seconds by tapping their iPhones makes the sportsball game they are watching a thousand times more fun than it was when they just viewed it with nothing but emotional stakes on the line.  99 percent of the customers for the "new" Make Your Own Poverty* app Ortiz is peddling are economically insecure (regardless of what we see on these commercials, customers of online betting- like customers of scratch-off tickets, Powerball, MegaBucks and the other 20,000 or so "games" being "offered" at the counter of your local convenience and liquor stores- are already living on the margins, which is why they are risking their money in the first place.)  And despite what we see in the ads, 99 percent of the people engaged in this destructive behavior lose money.  But it's all in fun, right?

2024- David Ortiz appears in commercials celebrating the fun of eating Tide pods?  Vaping?  Soliciting Prostitutes?  Speeding through School Zones?  It's gotta be something like one of those, if Ortiz wants to continue on his mission to destroy lives in exchange for some more of that sweet, sweet "Fiat" currency.

*Nothing new about gambling, of course, or commercials which make gambling look like more innocent fun than a day at Santa's Village with the grandchildren.  But it's never been so easy to lose money from the comfort of your own couch- I'd say "to scratch that itch," but "feed that addiction" would be more accurate.  Bottom line is- hey David Ortiz, why do you hate your fellow Americans so very, very much?

Dr. Pepper reminds us that it's that time of the year again....

 

Some might call it the "silly season," but that doesn't sound like anything I would say, so I'll keep in character and call it the Stupid Season.

It's the season of moronic Dr. Pepper commercials masquerading as "seasons" of a long-running comedy-drama-garbage dump-crime against our brain cells ad campaign featuring the college football-obsessed loser residents of a small town where the only thing anyone cares about is, well, college football.

It's the We Get It Already one-note, one-unfunny joke that just keep hammering us over the head for the crime of wanting to watch one or two or a dozen football games on the weekend (or, if you are like me, just want something on in the background as you take your walks or clean your house or grade your papers or prepare your lesson plans.)  It's the Get In On The Fun zaniness of an entire community of people who worship soda that tastes like cough medicine and lollipops.  And it's almost as sad as the bleating glue-sniffers who actually binge-watch the "seasons" on YouTube.  (That's a thing that happens.  Check out the comments.)

And it's another reason why the MUTE button on your remote is only slightly less important than the ON button.  Because come on, I know this is supposed to be dumb, but even intentional idiocy can be taken too far.  Especially when you realize that there are people who actually look forward to "new seasons" of this dreck.

This stupid Dairy Queen commercial makes Negative Sense

 

1.  Why is a girl who looks to be at least twelve years old sitting in the back seat instead of in the front with her father?

2.  What is the big deal if the girl wants to start eating her blizzard DQ thing before they get home- that is, before it starts to melt all over the place?  Maybe hers isn't made out of whatever magic non-dairy substance her father's is and won't defy the laws of thermodynamics like his will. 

3.  Is "that's cold" supposed to be a pun?  Because if these blizzard things are cold, unless the AC is turned up to full blast (and even if it IS) they aren't going to stay cold for very long.  Is it "cold" because she gets to enjoy her blizzard while dad has to wait till he gets home?  Well, when he gets home hers will be done and his- because it won't melt, obviously- will still be there, and won't he get some level of juvenile "revenge" at that time?

4.  Seriously, what the hell is going on here?  Who buys a milk shake or an ice cream cone and says "I'm not touching this till I get home?"  That's just dumb.  Why didn't they just eat this stuff at DQ?  Why does neither one have a freaking lid on it- even if dad's is magic and doesn't melt, what is keeping it from gathering dust and dander and bugs in that car?  I mean, come on.   How many layers of stupid can one commercial have?  (And no, that is NOT a challenge.)

5.  What's with the comments?  What is "racist" about this ad featuring a black guy and a girl I assume is his daughter?  What am I missing here?  Why are people like this?

Cherish your stupid addiction this NFL season with Fanduel.

 

The football season is short...so cherish every moment in that 16 weeks by risking your paycheck and your family's financial stability as often as possible.  Because when it's over, you'll have to go back to, um, betting on the NBA, I'm sure. 

Somehow, we've got gambling on your phone being sold as something as precious as moments with a loved one.  Precious, and fleeting and to be appreciated because nothing good- be it football season or the opportunity to gamble on football- lasts forever.  Only winters in Buffalo last forever.

This is really, really sad.  Not as sad as winters in Buffalo, but still, really, really sad. 

Liberty Mutual? Here's some real "truth telling"

 

"It's ok that I spent all this money, because I saved money doing this other thing" is the mating call of every stupidly, intentionally poor person in the Western World.   It's the middle-class equivalent of "I can go into debt to buy this because I'll be able to pay for it as soon as I get my tax refund."  

Sorry, "honey:"  that's still a lot of shopping, and you probably still should be saving more and spending less.  And your mother forgetting to pick her husband up at the airport doesn't change that fact in the slightest.  It's just a mean piece of misdirection that isn't going to improve your credit score.  

Some free advice for Todd in this Chewy Commercial

 

So you're disappointed that you inherited a train set while a cat inherited regular pet supplies "in perpetuity?"  Well, considering that the cat is apparently capable of (at least internal) speech in the way that I imagine most pet owners think that their ridiculous little hairball-producers are, and apparently capable of higher thought processes which allow them to comprehend things like wills and words like "perpetuity," I have some very simple and totally free advice for Todd:

Get on this cat's good side.  I mean, let's be honest about this situation, shall we?  I don't care how old Todd is or how old Mr. Marbles is, Todd is going to outlive Mr. Marbles and we'll be back in this lawyer's office in no time.  Sorry, Mr. Marbles, but when Todd considers what "in perpetuity" means when it comes to your Chewy shipments, he's thinking in years consisting of single digits.  If your dead owner was responsible, Mr. Marbles, you aren't producing any heirs of your own.  So you either make a will- good luck with that- or your estate is going right back to the other people in this room inside a decade.   Time is NOT on your side, Mr. Marbles. 

Another of these Wendy's commercials. So sick of these people.

 

So the Brains Trust that works at this particular Wendy's decided to put together samples of the latest Meal Deal being offered by the sludge factory that signs their paychecks, lock the doors, and have a Meeting of the- um- "minds" concerning the deal while standing behind it.  Considering that the total brain wattage of the staff couldn't power a keychain light, I guess it's going to take this kind of cooperative learning activity to absorb the Very Very Complicated offer they'll be preparing for customers who are willing to consume food personally prepared by people I would not trust with a foam rubber ball or talking wall trout.  

After a few hours, even the employees not as "smart' as the guy they acknowledge as the "smart one" (the tallest dwarf in the enchanted forest, I guess) will figure out what the promotion entails and will be ready to re-open the store, fire up the - um, whatever heating element Wendy's uses- and wrap greasy warm garbage with greasy warm paper and place it in greasy warm bags to sell to to greasy warm customers.  And the Saga of the Stupid Wendy's Choads will have completed another chapter.  Whatever.  What's happening with Lily over at AT&T?  That store still using five employees to deal with a single customer, you know-  like in real life?