1. Eating something is a "Hunger Hack?" Wow, it must be the original hack. And why is it called a "hack" at all? Oh right- because the cool kids don't say "quick fix," they say "hack." And Burger King is cool, yo. I mean, they don't even refer to themselves as "Burger King" anymore- it's BK. Because initials are cool, too.
2. Eating what "BK" laughably calls "food" isn't even a quick fix for hunger. Anyone who eats the ultra-processed sludge being dished out by fast food places knows that the sludge stimulates hunger, it doesn't alleviate it. But a lot of people don't know that it's designed to stimulate hunger and make you come back for more. And more. And more. Nobody ever got rich making food that satisfies hunger, after all. Plenty of people however continue to get very, very rich making food that leaves the consumer unsatisfied, and addicted.
3. "You Rule!" Who, me? Why do I rule? Because I followed an artificial "craving" to your garbage pail disguised as a restaurant and gave you my money? Well, thanks very much, I guess. You Suck. You Suck really, really hard. Royally, even.
"Do you wanna bet on live sports?" If the answer is "yes," the next line should be "why? Can't find a hobby that WON'T put everything in your life that you value at serious risk?"
Instead, it's a tornado of gaudy imagery which makes your desire to bet on live sports look exciting and fun and (based on this guy's cadence) downright masculine.
"Join now and discover the POWER of the world's Favorite Sports Book!" Like the power to get you hooked faster than alcohol or crack? Like the power to destroy your finances, relationships, and basically everything that currently makes your life worth living? Well, that certainly does sound powerful. Attractive? Not really. But powerful? Absolutely.
"Build your own Bet." That does sound better than "Dig your own Grave" or "Choose your own Poison," I'll give you that....
"You can even bet on games that are still being played." Dramatic Pause and stare into the camera. "Seriously."
This is new? I've seen commercials for betting apps that allow one to bet inning by inning. Might as well walk into an AA meeting and remind the participants that they don't have to guzzle that bottle of Scotch in two minutes; they can get drunk one shot at a time. "Seriously."
"And if you can't watch the games live, we'll alert you of any changes." "So you can take advantage of that gun or balcony you find yourself on when you realize that you won't be able to pay your mortgage this month. Again." (Naturally, the ad features a guy being delighted by the update. Because just like in Vegas, betters never lose, right?)
"Let's end by reiterating that this is the world's favorite sports app. And let's take a moment to thank the current generation of bored, lonely and economically unstable people who make garbage like this popular, and the incredibly lax regulations which allow us to pitch this life-destroying nonsense on network tv."
"Thousands of truck owners are switching to Ram...which means thousands of people who grill are switching to Ram. Thousands of people who eat grilled food are switching to Ram, and thousands of people who live next to people who grill food are switching to Ram."
"So basically, it's like we said with our first sentence: thousands of people are switching to Ram. Ok, now that we managed to say that in several sentences instead of One, let's continue to waste everyone's time:"
"Ram trucks can be used to move people from place to place- you know, just like cars. They can be used to move ATVs into the desert if you happen to live near one, or surfboards to the ocean if you happen to live near one, or a lot of fishing rods to the lake if you happen to live near one. They can bring heavy things from Point A to Point B better than cars, but if we're honest, no better than any other truck. But if we were honest, we'd be showing people parking these stupid overpriced Overcompensation-mobiles in their suburban driveways after coming home from their desk jobs. That kind of honesty might be admirable but it doesn't sell trucks to people who don't need trucks."
"So here's a truck you can use to do all those things you never do but you'd like people who don't know you to think you do because let's face it, you're kind of sad in your need for validation from total strangers- a need so strong, you'll pay twice as much for a utility vehicle with no actual utility for your actual life rather than just buy a car that fits your needs rather than your ego."
"So as we become more and more urbanized in our lifestyle, more and more people are switching to Ram, a truck allegedly built for rugged rural use. Makes sense to....well, our stockholders, and who else really matters?"
"Thousands of truck owners are switching to Ram. And after forty years of ads convincing suburbanites that they ought to be truck owners for Status, that's a lot of people switching from one truck they barely get use out of it that they couldn't get out an SUV for another truck they barely get use out of that they couldn't get out of an SUV. Thanks, America, for making Keeping Up With the Joneses the driving force of the suburban lifestyle! Never change!"
(Or, to put it more simply, this Dr. Pepper Fansville Commercial.)
1. We are actually watching two people who are breaking up because their teams are no longer rivals, and they are no longer rivals because Conference Pinball has come for their teams. Anyone who doesn't follow college football may not know this, but there are approximately 4200 conferences which include 780,000 colleges and every year, the names of the schools are thrown into a blender and randomly poured back out into these conferences. So if you don't just follow your college football team but instead care about what conference they are in, well, be prepared for a very unsettled and confusing life which, if you live long enough, will see your favorite team as a member of every single conference at some point.
2. Yes, that's a can of No Sugar Dr. Pepper Really Not Cough Syrup you're holding there, which you'd know if you just looked at it instead of awkwardly holding it up so that the viewing audience can see the label. Hey, maybe this conference-switch thing is just a lame excuse being handed to this girl by a guy who doesn't want to admit that he's not into football-obsessed weirdos who are also illiterate?
Would I take this obnoxious, ugly, unfunny "comedian" seriously if (1) he wasn't a multimillionaire acting excited at being offered $200 in "free bets" while sitting in whichever of the luxury mansions he owns that he decided to hang out in this weekend or (2) if he weren't wearing a t-shirt advertising the very gambling "service" he's whoring for blood money from the industry second only to alcohol in its ability to break up families and ruin lives?
The answer is "no." Because he'd still obnoxious, ugly, unfunny yet ubiquitous Kevin Hart, who has made it painfully clear that he'll sell himself to anyone, anywhere, at any time, for the right amount of money. Well, when you know that its only a matter of time before the facade collapses and the money train ends, I guess this is what you do- pitch, pitch and pitch some more because some day (G-d let it be soon) the gravy train WILL come to an end.
Second Ad:
Would I take this Oscar winner* seriously if he wasn't another multi-millionaire who has zero problem encouraging his audience- the vast majority of which really can't afford an addiction only marginally cheaper than crack (but while crack is illegal, gambling on sporting events can be advertised on network television....hmmm.....)- and was at least donating his fee to Gambler's Anonymous or some other- ANY OTHER-charity?
The answer is "no." Because he'd still be an overrated Denzel Wannabee who has somehow hypnotized the viewing audience into believing he's talented. Maybe he and Kevin Hart are using the League of Shadows to poison our water or something. They certainly aren't adding anything of actual value to what we used to call a "Society."
*Ray was ridiculously overrated. Then again, so was Ray Charles. I mean, not Moonlight or Gandhi overrated, but still overrated.
I tried to find a more modern commercial for Giant Food Pharmacy, but it seems that the company doesn't spend a lot on electronic media advertising and hasn't since the 1990s. So we'll have to settle for this. Also, very little of today's snark concerns the content of this ad and is instead about the company's current self-checkout system. Stay with me.
First, the ad itself: "your prescriptions are filled while you shop?" This is like that old joke about the car repair shop that features the promise "tires rotated while you wait:" when the customer is told that it will take 24 hours to get the tires rotated and points to the sign in protest, the mechanic remarks "well, you'll be waiting, won't you?" In my experience, the reason why you "wait for your prescription while you shop" is because the standard reply to "Is my prescription, which was called in three days ago, ready yet?" is "Um...no, give us another twenty minutes." So yeah- your prescription is being filled "while you shop," but that's no more impressive as a mechanic telling you that your tires are being rotated "while you wait." You're shopping because you came to pick up your Rx and it's not ready yet. Not exactly a feather in the cap of Giant Food Pharmacy.
But now, the real reason for this rant: Giant's "new and improved" self-checkout, which requires customers who don't have time to wait behind the family with four carts and a file cabinet full of coupons or the jackanapes who won't get off her iPhone to respond to questions about the non-EBT eligible items that make up half her cart, includes a built-in glitch that makes the whole experience a big, insulting headache. I'm talking about the scale that all scanned items must be placed on the moment they are scanned if you don't want the screen to accuse you of being a shoplifter, which it does anyway at least once per visit. It's bad enough that I can no longer move heavy items like cases of bottled water or family packs of chicken directly back into my cart but instead have to pick them up twice because an electronic scale must confirm that I'm being honest, but the insult is compounded when putting the items on the scale result in a loud "You Have Unscanned Items In Your Bag" announcement loud enough to let everyone within a ten-foot radius that you are being suspected of theft. Oh, and it's not like there's an infinite amount of space to put your groceries down- if you're making a large purpose, at some point you have to stop scanning, take your groceries off the scale and put them in your cart-- and be "politely" reminded by the machine that "if you are finished scanning, please select your payment method." Grrrr...
I'm not kidding- since they put this new system in, I have been accused of shoplifting (by a machine, not by an employee- they invariably just walk up to the system, swipe the screen with that plastic baton thing, and move back into "waiting to assist because yeah we know these machines suck" posture) every. Single. Time. I've purchased goods at Giant Food Pharmacy. And I thought the "please confirm the number of bags you're purchasing because we aren't sure you got it right the first time" and "would you like to round up your $9.01 purchase to $10 for our charity of the moment?" messages were imposing annoyances.
I'd go back to letting the Real Human Being who resents seeing buggy tech slowly separating her from a job, but Giant is doing a very good job making that option less attractive by the week by giving fewer shifts and leaving more and more of those assisted-checkout lines closed. So we customers find ourselves with three options- wait forty minutes on line to let a real cashier handle our purchases, save time by going through the self-checkout but be regularly chastised and accused by electronics during the entire experience, or- finding someplace else to buy our groceries. Aldi is right up the street, has everything Giant has, and doesn't "remind" me that I shouldn't try to steal stuff I'm not trying to steal. So I guess it's going to be Aldi from now on, except of course when I have to pick up a prescription. Then it's back to Giant- and probably more shopping, because it will be "almost ready" when I get there, just give them fifteen or twenty minutes.
2022: David Ortiz appears in commercials for Cryptocurrency, "subtly" encouraging thousands of economically-ignorant viewers to put actual money into a mirage. It's kind of hard to see which group of CryptoCrap "investors" are dumber- the ones who invest because they see a sports or entertainment millionaire suggest that its a good idea, or the ones who invest because they want to make a bold stand against "Fiat" currency by putting some of their own into an "Unregulated" (and therefore better, because remember how much more stable banks were before the Great Depression, when the official policy of the Federal Government was Hands Off.) They both end up in the same place- wondering where their "worthless" paper money is and wishing they had it back.
2023: David Ortiz appears in commercials for DraftKings, "subtly" encouraging thousands of economically-ignorant viewers that putting their money at risk every few seconds by tapping their iPhones makes the sportsball game they are watching a thousand times more fun than it was when they just viewed it with nothing but emotional stakes on the line. 99 percent of the customers for the "new" Make Your Own Poverty* app Ortiz is peddling are economically insecure (regardless of what we see on these commercials, customers of online betting- like customers of scratch-off tickets, Powerball, MegaBucks and the other 20,000 or so "games" being "offered" at the counter of your local convenience and liquor stores- are already living on the margins, which is why they are risking their money in the first place.) And despite what we see in the ads, 99 percent of the people engaged in this destructive behavior lose money. But it's all in fun, right?
2024- David Ortiz appears in commercials celebrating the fun of eating Tide pods? Vaping? Soliciting Prostitutes? Speeding through School Zones? It's gotta be something like one of those, if Ortiz wants to continue on his mission to destroy lives in exchange for some more of that sweet, sweet "Fiat" currency.
*Nothing new about gambling, of course, or commercials which make gambling look like more innocent fun than a day at Santa's Village with the grandchildren. But it's never been so easy to lose money from the comfort of your own couch- I'd say "to scratch that itch," but "feed that addiction" would be more accurate. Bottom line is- hey David Ortiz, why do you hate your fellow Americans so very, very much?
