This Capital One Card Commercial features a very Punchable Fail

I'm not at all sure why we are supposed to celebrate this pasty white guy's appropriation of Mexican cuisine for profit; is it because he seems to earnest and enthusiastic about his stupid small business which- I'm sorry, I don't care what he says- is exploiting people much, much less fortunate than himself for the sole purpose of making one more White American wealthy off the backs of poor people in another country?

And am I the only one who thinks the phrase "bringing matzah to the masses"* is equal parts cringe and condescension?  Who are the masses, Mr. Super Important Business Owner?  Am I part of those faceless "masses?"  Well, if you ever accidentally ask my opinion, I'll tell you where you can jam your credit card, your small business, AND your matzah.  And here's a spoiler alert:  It's not going to be pleasant.

*apparently I'm NOT the only one who found this line somewhat (entirely) lacking in taste; it's been purged from the latest version of the ad.  This still stinks of the ugly American, though. 

Also- am I even hearing that right?  I think he's saying "matzah" and the commenters think he's saying "matzah," but does a company that mass-produces matzah even make sense?  The masses know what matzah is and what it tastes like; I know this because we aren't buying it.  I wouldn't eat it if you gave me a plate of it for free, but this guy thinks I'd love it if I just could find a way to buy it?  What the hell?

We Will We Will Sue You

 

Good luck trying to convince your insurance company that the flashy TV commercial and cool music strongly implied that it would be perfectly safe to pass that giant truck with no hands on the wheel (and, while we're at it, singing instead of paying attention to what is going on around you.)

Hopefully you won't have to try the same explanation/alibi on any grieving parents; they probably won't buy your "but the glowing screen said it was OK plus I love Queen plus its so fun to use alleged safety devices to show off" protestations as they bury their loved ones, victims of your overbearing entitlement. 

Seriously, this is a great commercial if the point is to convince people to take the freaking train and stay off the highways.  

BK's "Hunger Hack"

 

1.  Eating something is a "Hunger Hack?"  Wow, it must be the original hack.  And why is it called a "hack" at all?  Oh right- because the cool kids don't say "quick fix," they say "hack."  And Burger King is cool, yo.  I mean, they don't even refer to themselves as "Burger King" anymore- it's BK.   Because initials are cool, too.  

2.  Eating what "BK" laughably calls "food" isn't even a quick fix for hunger.  Anyone who eats the ultra-processed sludge being dished out by fast food places knows that the sludge stimulates hunger, it doesn't alleviate it.  But a lot of people don't know that it's designed to stimulate hunger and make you come back for more.  And more.  And more.  Nobody ever got rich making food that satisfies hunger, after all.  Plenty of people however continue to get very, very rich making food that leaves the consumer unsatisfied, and addicted.

3.  "You Rule!"  Who, me?  Why do I rule?  Because I followed an artificial "craving" to your garbage pail disguised as a restaurant and gave you my money?  Well, thanks very much, I guess.  You Suck.  You Suck really, really hard.  Royally, even. 

Bet365, Lose 365

 

"Do you wanna bet on live sports?"  If the answer is "yes," the next line should be "why?  Can't find a hobby that WON'T put everything in your life that you value at serious risk?"

Instead, it's a tornado of gaudy imagery which makes your desire to bet on live sports look exciting and fun and (based on this guy's cadence) downright masculine.

"Join now and discover the POWER of the world's Favorite Sports Book!"  Like the power to get you hooked faster than alcohol or crack? Like the power to destroy your finances, relationships, and basically everything that currently makes your life worth living?  Well, that certainly does sound powerful.  Attractive?  Not really.  But powerful?  Absolutely.

"Build your own Bet."  That does sound better than "Dig your own Grave" or "Choose your own Poison," I'll give you that....

"You can even bet on games that are still being played."  Dramatic Pause and stare into the camera.  "Seriously."

This is new?  I've seen commercials for betting apps that allow one to bet inning by inning.  Might as well walk into an AA meeting and remind the participants that they don't have to guzzle that bottle of Scotch in two minutes; they can get drunk one shot at a time.  "Seriously."

"And if you can't watch the games live, we'll alert you of any changes."  "So you can take advantage of that gun or balcony you find yourself on when you realize that you won't be able to pay your mortgage this month.  Again."  (Naturally, the ad features a guy being delighted by the update.  Because just like in Vegas, betters never lose, right?)

"Let's end by reiterating that this is the world's favorite sports app.  And let's take a moment to thank the current generation of bored, lonely and economically unstable people who make garbage like this popular, and the incredibly lax regulations which allow us to pitch this life-destroying nonsense on network tv."

Multiple Levels of Dumb that just keep coming in this Dodge Ram Commercial

 

 

"Thousands of truck owners are switching to Ram...which means thousands of people who grill are switching to Ram.  Thousands of people who eat grilled food are switching to Ram, and thousands of people who live next to people who grill food are switching to Ram."

"So basically, it's like we said with our first sentence:  thousands of people are switching to Ram.  Ok, now that we managed to say that in several sentences instead of One, let's continue to waste everyone's time:"

"Ram trucks can be used to move people from place to place- you know, just like cars.  They can be used to move ATVs into the desert if you happen to live near one, or surfboards to the ocean if you happen to live near one, or a lot of fishing rods to the lake if you happen to live near one.  They can bring heavy things from Point A to Point B better than cars, but if we're honest, no better than any other truck.  But if we were honest, we'd be showing people parking these stupid overpriced Overcompensation-mobiles in their suburban driveways after coming home from their desk jobs.  That kind of honesty might be admirable but it doesn't sell trucks to people who don't need trucks."

"So here's a truck you can use to do all those things you never do but you'd like people who don't know you to think you do because let's face it, you're kind of sad in your need for validation from total strangers- a need so strong, you'll pay twice as much for a utility vehicle with no actual utility for your actual life rather than just buy a car that fits your needs rather than your ego." 

"So as we become more and more urbanized in our lifestyle, more and more people are switching to Ram, a truck allegedly built for rugged rural use.  Makes sense to....well, our stockholders, and who else really matters?"

"Thousands of truck owners are switching to Ram.  And after forty years of ads convincing suburbanites that they ought to be truck owners for Status, that's a lot of people switching from one truck they barely get use out of it that they couldn't get out an SUV for another truck they barely get use out of that they couldn't get out of an SUV.  Thanks, America, for making Keeping Up With the Joneses the driving force of the suburban lifestyle!  Never change!"

A few points concerning this stupid Dr. Pepper Fansville Commercial

 

(Or, to put it more simply, this Dr. Pepper Fansville Commercial.)

1.  We are actually watching two people who are breaking up because their teams are no longer rivals, and they are no longer rivals because Conference Pinball has come for their teams.  Anyone who doesn't follow college football may not know this, but there are approximately 4200 conferences which include 780,000 colleges and every year, the names of the schools are thrown into a blender and randomly poured back out into these conferences.  So if you don't just follow your college football team but instead care about what conference they are in, well, be prepared for a very unsettled and confusing life which, if you live long enough, will see your favorite team as a member of every single conference at some point.

2.  Yes, that's a can of No Sugar Dr. Pepper Really Not Cough Syrup you're holding there, which you'd know if you just looked at it instead of awkwardly holding it up so that the viewing audience can see the label.  Hey, maybe this conference-switch thing is just a lame excuse being handed to this girl by a guy who doesn't want to admit that he's not into football-obsessed weirdos who are also illiterate?

Gambling Commercial Double-Header

 

First Ad:

Would I take this obnoxious, ugly, unfunny "comedian" seriously if (1) he wasn't a multimillionaire acting excited at being offered $200 in "free bets" while sitting in whichever of the luxury mansions he owns that he decided to hang out in this weekend or (2) if he weren't wearing a t-shirt advertising the very gambling "service" he's whoring for blood money from the industry second only to alcohol in its ability to break up families and ruin lives?

The answer is "no." Because he'd still obnoxious, ugly, unfunny yet ubiquitous Kevin Hart, who has made it painfully clear that he'll sell himself to anyone, anywhere, at any time, for the right amount of money.  Well, when you know that its only a matter of time before the facade collapses and the money train ends, I guess this is what you do- pitch, pitch and pitch some more because some day (G-d let it be soon) the gravy train WILL come to an end. 

Second Ad:

Would I take this Oscar winner* seriously if he wasn't another multi-millionaire who has zero problem encouraging his audience- the vast majority of which really can't afford an addiction only marginally cheaper than crack (but while crack is illegal, gambling on sporting events can be advertised on network television....hmmm.....)- and was at least donating his fee to Gambler's Anonymous or some other- ANY OTHER-charity?

The answer is "no."  Because he'd still be an overrated Denzel Wannabee who has somehow hypnotized the viewing audience into believing he's talented.  Maybe he and Kevin Hart are using the League of Shadows to poison our water or something.  They certainly aren't adding anything of actual value to what we used to call a "Society."

*Ray was ridiculously overrated.  Then again, so was Ray Charles.  I mean, not Moonlight or Gandhi overrated, but still overrated.