More Jardiance Nonsense!

 

I can control my A1C

Check out me, a singing blueberry

Then I'll pretend to talk to friends

In real life I gasp like I got the bends

How many of these ads will they let me make

before viewers notice that my smile's fake

I'm in pain during this whole thing

Which is why they dub in the part where I sing

You can watch your diet and stop eating crap- but still

wouldn't it just be easier to take an expensive pill?

Someone remind West Virginia that you can't go home again

 

...and daddy, won't you take me back to Muhlenberg County?

Down by the Green River, where Paradise lay

Well I'm sorry, my son, but you're too late in askin'

Mr. Peabody's coal train has hauled it away.*

Here are two more accurate ideas for a good West Virginia Tourism Motto:

"Give us Another Chance; This time we'll vote to join the Confederacy."  (And this time, we'll let you depart in peace.)

"West Virginia:  Where we love the Affordable Care Act, but man do we hate Obamacare!"

"West Virginia:  The Air Quality of New Jersey and the Voting patterns of Alabama in one convenient place."

*Ok, ok, I know that the song is about a county in Eastern Kentucky, but....Eastern Kentucky, West Virginia, really, what's the difference?

GEICO keeps pounding us with this stupid crap

 

I have a very nice apartment in a good location that doesn't have invasive weeds.  I don't care where this guy's house is- I'll trade my apartment for his ridiculous palace any day of the week and twice on Sundays.  Because I'll just dump enough chemicals to make Rachel Carson rise from the grave and chastise me instead of running around my multi-million dollar abode complaining about WEEDS.

I don't know why anyone finds the endless whining of the upper middle class interesting, let alone funny, but I guess that's just my problem.

"We love our house."  Shut up after uttering these words.  Enough already.

If your addiction could sing to you, I guess it would sound like this?

 

Really, what else is there to add?  This woman has an unbreakable bond with-- her electronic devices.  She simply MUST go from screen to screen, and every moment that she isn't staring at a glowing box is a lost moment that she can't get back....or something. 

And to make it worse, the message seems to be that in the tiny fractions of her life in which she is not looking at that way-too-important human connectivity substitute, the devices are calling to her.  Well, yeah, as I understand it this is exactly how addictions DO feel.  She's not dealing with "food noise" or "alcohol noise" or "nicotine noise."  She's dealing with electronics noise- she MUST get to a place where she can get out her phone or her tablet or SOMETHING and get back to staring at something glowing and stupid before that voice in her head reminding her that she hasn't looked at an expensive box of plastic, metal and glass for several seconds drives her nuts.

Yeah, this is an advertisement for....um, well, therapy, actually.  But if you ask the people who made it, its an ad for Galaxy or foldable phones or something.  And if you ask the people in the comments sections, it's about a remix of a great song that we must must must download right now Because Reasons.  And if you ask one particular person in the comments, its a desperate lunge for attention from total strangers in the form of a truly pathetic "please comment"  story about a dog dying.  What gets into some people?  I have no idea, and I'm not sure I even want to. 

Wow- for having nothing left to add, I sure ended up having plenty to add.

This Capital One Card Commercial features a very Punchable Fail

I'm not at all sure why we are supposed to celebrate this pasty white guy's appropriation of Mexican cuisine for profit; is it because he seems to earnest and enthusiastic about his stupid small business which- I'm sorry, I don't care what he says- is exploiting people much, much less fortunate than himself for the sole purpose of making one more White American wealthy off the backs of poor people in another country?

And am I the only one who thinks the phrase "bringing matzah to the masses"* is equal parts cringe and condescension?  Who are the masses, Mr. Super Important Business Owner?  Am I part of those faceless "masses?"  Well, if you ever accidentally ask my opinion, I'll tell you where you can jam your credit card, your small business, AND your matzah.  And here's a spoiler alert:  It's not going to be pleasant.

*apparently I'm NOT the only one who found this line somewhat (entirely) lacking in taste; it's been purged from the latest version of the ad.  This still stinks of the ugly American, though. 

Also- am I even hearing that right?  I think he's saying "matzah" and the commenters think he's saying "matzah," but does a company that mass-produces matzah even make sense?  The masses know what matzah is and what it tastes like; I know this because we aren't buying it.  I wouldn't eat it if you gave me a plate of it for free, but this guy thinks I'd love it if I just could find a way to buy it?  What the hell?

We Will We Will Sue You

 

Good luck trying to convince your insurance company that the flashy TV commercial and cool music strongly implied that it would be perfectly safe to pass that giant truck with no hands on the wheel (and, while we're at it, singing instead of paying attention to what is going on around you.)

Hopefully you won't have to try the same explanation/alibi on any grieving parents; they probably won't buy your "but the glowing screen said it was OK plus I love Queen plus its so fun to use alleged safety devices to show off" protestations as they bury their loved ones, victims of your overbearing entitlement. 

Seriously, this is a great commercial if the point is to convince people to take the freaking train and stay off the highways.  

BK's "Hunger Hack"

 

1.  Eating something is a "Hunger Hack?"  Wow, it must be the original hack.  And why is it called a "hack" at all?  Oh right- because the cool kids don't say "quick fix," they say "hack."  And Burger King is cool, yo.  I mean, they don't even refer to themselves as "Burger King" anymore- it's BK.   Because initials are cool, too.  

2.  Eating what "BK" laughably calls "food" isn't even a quick fix for hunger.  Anyone who eats the ultra-processed sludge being dished out by fast food places knows that the sludge stimulates hunger, it doesn't alleviate it.  But a lot of people don't know that it's designed to stimulate hunger and make you come back for more.  And more.  And more.  Nobody ever got rich making food that satisfies hunger, after all.  Plenty of people however continue to get very, very rich making food that leaves the consumer unsatisfied, and addicted.

3.  "You Rule!"  Who, me?  Why do I rule?  Because I followed an artificial "craving" to your garbage pail disguised as a restaurant and gave you my money?  Well, thanks very much, I guess.  You Suck.  You Suck really, really hard.  Royally, even.