Dunkin Donuts and the Limited Time Only item nobody misses when its gone

 

I have a theory concerning Everything Pumpkin Spice that appears between roughly September 20 and November 10 every year.  And I'm afraid that I'm using the scientific definition of "theory," which means it's absolutely the truth beyond any reasonable doubt, or as close to Truth as you can get outside of a Philosophy Class.

My theory is this:  nobody really likes any food item that carries the label "Pumpkin Spice."  Instead, we order and consume these items out of some misplaced social obligation.  It's autumn, so we are supposed to buy coffee, cakes, donuts with this weird flavoring added which reflects what the time of year is supposed to look like to people who live in about one-fifth of the country.  And we are supposed to pretend to enjoy it because, again, it's all about the season and mass hypnosis.  But nobody actually enjoys this flavor, as evidenced by the fact that nobody eats anything made out of pumpkin any other time of the year and nobody goes into mourning when Thanksgiving rolls around and no pumpkin spice anythings are to be found anywhere.

Pumpkin spice is, in other words, the Eggnog of the Autumnal Season.  

Well, I for one am not buying in.  I'll eat a slice of pumpkin pie if it's covered with whipped cream and nobody had the good sense to make a pie out of apples instead.  Just to be nice.  But I'll barely pretend to like it, and if asked I won't hesitate to wonder out loud where the apple pie is.  That being said, nobody is going to convince me to ruin my coffee by adding "pumpkin spice" (is this available on the spice rack at any store?  I've never seen it) and I don't care how chilly it gets or how many crunchy leaves are underfoot.  I'm taking my stand and I'm not bravely drinking a "spice" I don't want to drink and you can't convince me that you want to either and you can't make me so there. 

Is this Ox Car Care Commercial just a bit racist?

 

...because Mickey Rooney's character in "Breakfast at Tiffany's" thinks that this commercial is a bit racist. 

But setting the clickbait aside for a moment- "what a RELIEF" exclaims the woman in this ad, not once but twice, upon hearing that IF (when?) the family car breaks down on the way too or from the Big Family Reunion, the repairs will be covered by Ox Car Care because of course they will.  

Who thinks like this?  "Oh honey, I was so worried about taking this long road trip to the family reunion- but now that I know you called some 'car warranty' company you heard about on the radio, I'm ready to pile into the car and head out on a long trip in a car I obviously have zero faith in..."  I mean, come on.

And of course the two of them go back and forth on how Ox Car Care will take care of things like oil changes and tire rotations, like these are issues one thinks about just before heading out on a long road trip.  I know that whenever I drive up or down the East Coast, which I do several times a year, I think "if I need my tires rotated or my oil changed during this trip, is it covered by my car warranty* or will I have to pay out of pocket?"  

And it sounds like the guy JUST called Ox Car Care, which means he thinks he's instantly covered for a trip they are taking like RIGHT NOW.  Not that car warranty contracts are worth anything anyway, but they sure as hell aren't going to be paying out the day after you sign up for them.  How stupid are these people?  Oh right, stupid enough to be "relieved" because they signed up for Ox Car Care.

*I don't have a car warranty, or any extended warranties of any kind.  Because I'm not a moron.  I'm also not racist, and maybe this commercial really isn't after all because there are other Ox Car Care Commercials featuring people who don't sound black being just as stupid about car warranties. 

A better idea for fans of FanDuel...

 

Instead of thinking like a retired NBA player worth hundreds of millions of dollars who couldn't care less if he loses a few hundred dollars on "innocent" bets every weekend because after all, you've got hundreds of millions of dollars and on top of that are getting paid to pimp a betting App, instead maybe think like you're a middle-class male between the ages of 20 and 40- the principal demographic for these ads- and put those hundreds of dollars into your 401(k), a college fund for your kids, or PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING ELSE other than a stupid, addictive betting App?

And maybe don't listen to Charles Barkley, Kevin (I'll Sell Anything, Just Give Me the Money) Hart, Jamie (Yeah I've got an Oscar But Money is Money) Foxx, or any of the other multi-millionaires out there who are perfectly happy to pick up what is for them chump change to peddle an electronic drug that will cause real economic hardship for 90 percent of the people who use it (you think they are giving money away?  Where do you think the winnings come from?  THE HOUSE ALWAYS WINS.)  You think these people are funny and entertaining and this is harmless?  Then why is there a toll free number in tiny script at the bottom for people with "GAMBLING PROBLEMS?"  Why is the new angle to push gambling apps with "Responsible Betting"* settings with "Limits" and "Tips" on how to "control" your betting- you know, to "keep it fun?"  You don't see disclaimers like that when ads show people just watching games, though when you see the kind of crud we're encouraged to ingest while viewing, maybe we should...like "eat Doritos responsibly?"**

*no such thing.

**again, no such thing.

That dumb, "We've been out of ideas forever" GEICO airport security line ad

 

1.  "You too" was just an impulsive response.  Stop making it a big deal, security person.  He was just being polite.

2.  While we're at it, just shut up and keep your eye on the next person coming through security.  That you hate your job isn't the traveler's problem.  He didn't talk you into being an airport security drone.  It's not his fault your life ended up like this.  Zip it, Karen.  

3.  This is nobody else's business.  I don't get why anyone else is responding.  Actually, I don't even get how anyone else even HEARD his "you too."  I've been in security lines at airports.  Everyone is just trying to keep track of their wallets, tickets, shoes, belts and bags.  Nobody is paying any attention to anyone else.  

4.  Are we supposed to believe that the pasty white fat kid is going on vacation with the black guy?  Yeah, no he isn't.  Please, ad agencies, just stop this.  I get the diversity thing and all but- Please, just stop this.  This is the dumb. 

5.  Yeah, the last guy has a point.  Wear socks when you fly.  We're trying to have a society here. 

Ethos Life Commercials are so ridiculous.

 

In every one of these Ethos Life commercials, the people who are worried about purchasing life insurance look like they are young and have money.  In the radio ad, the couple sound like they are in their late-20s and have a very young child.  

I'm not saying that these aren't the people who should be in the market for life insurance.  There's nothing wrong with buying life insurance while you're young.  The problem I have is with young people who are supposed to be attracted to Ethos Life because there's "No medical exams" or "health questions" attached to the application.  These are advantages for old, sick people who know that buying life insurance at their age and in their condition is going to cost a lot of money and that's why they've put off shopping for it.  Colonial Penn really hypes up the "we'll sell to anyone" pitch.  But it makes ZERO sense for young, presumably healthy, presumably nowhere near death couples to be excited about buying life insurance that won't be giving them any credit for their health status.  It would be like a person with an 800 credit score renting furniture- from Aaron's or Rent A Center.  Or someone with an immaculate driver's record going to The General for car insurance.  Or someone with two brain cells thinking that buying an extended "warranty" from the nice guy with the Indian accent on the phone is a good plan.

In other words, for the people in these ads to be signing up for insurance from Ethos Life is like watching them just chuck money into the bonfire.  It's really dumb and it grates on me every time. 

More Jardiance Nonsense!

 

I can control my A1C

Check out me, a singing blueberry

Then I'll pretend to talk to friends

In real life I gasp like I got the bends

How many of these ads will they let me make

before viewers notice that my smile's fake

I'm in pain during this whole thing

Which is why they dub in the part where I sing

You can watch your diet and stop eating crap- but still

wouldn't it just be easier to take an expensive pill?

Someone remind West Virginia that you can't go home again

 

...and daddy, won't you take me back to Muhlenberg County?

Down by the Green River, where Paradise lay

Well I'm sorry, my son, but you're too late in askin'

Mr. Peabody's coal train has hauled it away.*

Here are two more accurate ideas for a good West Virginia Tourism Motto:

"Give us Another Chance; This time we'll vote to join the Confederacy."  (And this time, we'll let you depart in peace.)

"West Virginia:  Where we love the Affordable Care Act, but man do we hate Obamacare!"

"West Virginia:  The Air Quality of New Jersey and the Voting patterns of Alabama in one convenient place."

*Ok, ok, I know that the song is about a county in Eastern Kentucky, but....Eastern Kentucky, West Virginia, really, what's the difference?