Reality check for the Dos Equis "Ukulele Guy"

 

Poor, poor Ukulele guy.  Didn't you know that there are only a few acceptable forms of activity allowed while sitting in front of a beach or camp fire with "friends?"  Strumming a ukulele is not allowed.  Humming is not allowed.  Here are the things you ARE allowed to do:

1.  Stare at your iPhone and exclaim with delight every few seconds as your bets on FanDuel come through.  Do this as loudly and ostentatiously as possible so that everyone knows that you are winning on FanDuel.  Because being a gambling addict was something to be ashamed of a few years ago, but it's something to celebrate now.  Just ask Kevin Hart, Jamie Foxx or any number of shameless paid shills for the industry. 

2.  Just stare at your iPhone and talk about how awesome and brand new it is and how you got a great deal on it and how everyone else there ought to get one Because Reasons.

3.  Go on and on about how awesome the Beer Everyone Without Exception is Drinking tastes because that's totally something people do in the real world. 

But if you insist on playing the ukulele and humming, expect your "friends" to tell you not to.  And then you can either put away your ukulele or you can tell your "friends" that you didn't ask for permission, don't give a flying f--k if they approve, and that you didn't complain when they squealed about FanDuel or gave obnoxious commercials for their iPhones so they should shove it up the orifices they don't use for breathing.   And those people on the yacht?  Don't even get me started on those people on the yacht.

Makes those Lexus December to Remember commercials look relatable.

 

I can tell you that when I take my luxury jet from an important business meeting and then climb into my $100,000 truck to drive the final miles to my $10 million dollar estate to exchange "man it's awesome to be stinking rich" shit-eating grins with my trophy wife, I feel exactly the way Derek Jeter must feel like in this ad- Life is Very, Very Good. 

Can we move on to getting luxury cars wrapped in big red bows now?

You have to feel sorry for the woman in this Progressive "instant replay" ad

 

I mean, she's a female actress hired to be in the newest ad of Progressive's "instant replay" series.  So not only would she be in a commercial that would be shown during sporting events and therefore seen by millions, she could be 99 percent positive that she'd emerge the hero of the 20-second story because after all, she's a woman and it's 2023.

Then she found out that her recollection of events would be challenged by....a "precocious"* child actor (is there any other kind?) and at that moment probably realized that she drew the shortest straw of the bunch.  In the land of television commercials, there's only one thing more certain than a woman winning an argument against a man, and that's a child winning an argument over an adult. 

So sorry, lady- you had to play Sucker to a little brat who decided to jump into a conversation being held by two adults because That's What Smartass Kids Do on TV.  Should have got her that iPhone like she wanted; then she would have been too busy dancing for total strangers or just watching something equally stupid and brain-cell murdering to notice that you were pointlessly lying to your fellow Suburban Princess.  Maybe next time you'll get a script that has you in an argument with a fellow adult who is also male; you'll get that mic drop moment, guaranteed.

*a Latin term meaning Obnoxious and Eminently Punchable. 

Hey Volkswagen? This trope is really stale.

 

1.  We get it after two times.  We don't need to see dad pop back into the car more than that.  We aren't stupid.  We get it.

2.  Of course mom has to be the total killjoy here.  What are you worried about, TrophyMom?  Hubby's going to be late for work?  Seems to me that he's handled that well enough to buy that house and that car.  Little girl is going to be late for Preschool?  Seriously, I think that's a crisis she'll survive.  What is the matter with you?  Boyfriend already late and will be pulling into the driveway at any moment?  Oh right- hubby is having fun with Daughter.  Can't let that happen.  Hubby's job is to make the money, pay the bills, and get Daughter to preschool.  Mommy's job is to have fun with Daughter.  Stay in your lane, dad!

3.  Mom didn't deserve a sheepish "ok, ok, I'm going" from dad.  She deserved a "WTF is your issue?" from dad.  She doesn't get it because this is 2023 and women are always in the right in ads these days and- more important- dads are always in the wrong.  Even when they are trying to spend some quality time with their children.    When will you ever learn, Dads?

There's just so much Weird and Awkward in this Otezla Commercial

 

Ok, so the gawky weird guy is getting out of the Uber in front of the movie theater to start a blind date with Tara, aged 33 years.  I'd assume that Tara didn't get a picture of Ned because otherwise she would have noped right out of there- I mean, come on, he's nowhere near good looking enough to be with this woman- but she recognizes him, so I guess she's all in.  Desperation is a strange thing....

Ned (of course his name is Ned.  Jeeeeeeshhh....)  is instantly concerned about his plaque psoriasis (I can't believe it only took me three tries to get the spelling right) which brings me to the question I ask every single time I see one of these ads- why do people self-conscious about red splotches on their arms and legs wear less clothing than most beach-goers?  It's like they WANT to feel uncomfortable.  Just wear a long-sleeved shirt, you dope- it's an evening date, it's taking place almost entirely in an air-conditioned theater, I mean, what the hell?

I'd love to know what's happening on the screen when Ned and Tara react so violently that popcorn flies up (but not out) from Ned's bucket and soda flies up (but not out) of Tara's cup.  I'd think it must be happening during the opening credits or even during the coming attractions because it doesn't look like they've consumed any of their snacks at all but that doesn't make any sense because we also see a guy already fast asleep.  Judging from the look on Tara's face, it's a positive moment in the film, plus we see a little kid for whom the scene has no impact at all.  Why do we see these other people anyway?  What do they add to the story?

When the film is over, Ned and Tara exit the theater and Ned gives Tara the most stilted, awkward hug I've ever seen- the five percent chance he had of ever hearing from Tara again vanished with that hug, I guarantee it.  I'm an expert on dating, you know.  

Is this a new trend in dating- you just meet someone outside of a movie theater, sit next to them during a film, and then say goodbye when the film is over and go your separate ways?   Who pays for the tickets and snacks in this arrangement?  What's in it other than avoiding the "shame" of going to the movies by yourself?  Other than running the risk of being seen sitting next to Ned- and getting that wooden hug at the end- this seems like a pretty sweet deal for Tara if Ned is my Boomer idea of a gentleman who paid for everything.  

Oh yeah, this commercial is for some drug that clears your skin, I guess.  I mean, who cares?  I want to know if Ned is Blocked before he gets home in his second Uber ride of the night, or just Ghosted.  See how I know the cool terms?  I'm hip to the current lingo, man. 

A decade of this Buffalo "Gold" coin scam. Unbelievable.

 

I wonder how many elderly, hard-of-hearing, or just plain not-very-smart people have fallen for this scummy bait and switch commercial in the dozen years or more it has polluted American television (literally the ONLY thing that changes is the date stamped on this "tribute" to a coin that has actual value but is not being offered for sale in this ad.)   It's kind of sad to think about how many grandparents have scooped up this worthless garbage, thinking that they are adding to their retirement security or maybe leaving something worthwhile to their beloved grandchildren.  And all because they don't catch where the narrator flips from talking about a coin that has a significant amount of gold and is ACTUALLY MONEY to discussing the COPY/TRIBUTE/MIGHT AS WELL CONTAIN CHOCOLATE piece of shiny crap.

Oh but there is some good advice at the close of the ad from 2011:  "Avoid future disappointment and regret."  Yes, indeed.  Avoid these things by never, ever responding to these ridiculous offers to sell pretty pieces of tin for actual money.  I mean, there's no way anyone regrets not buying something in 2011 that is still available in 2023 for basically the same price.  What a joke. 

EDIT:  Upon a second viewing, I see that this not-coin was being offered for $19.95 in 2011, but the 2023 version is only $9.95.  So unless there are a bunch of weirdos out there who consider the 2011 trinket "vintage" or "classic," it's not even a good investment as a collector's item.  I think I'll "avoid future disappointment and regret" and wait to buy the 2033 version, which at this rate should be available in boxes of Cracker Jack.

FanDuel Commercials are the Definition of Garbage Time

 

There's something almost fascinating about watching an addiction being promoted as a glorious thing on national television.  One scene after another of zombie gamblers staring at screens with bated breath, as a very consequential moment that used to mean Victory or Defeat for one's favorite Sportsball team but now may mean Mortgage Payment or No Mortgage Payment, presented as a way of making a game more "exciting;" no, actually, as a way of making a game worth watching at all.  It's fascinating and disturbing at the same time, like a five-car pileup on the Jersey Turnpike.  Now imagine that five-car pileup on the Jersey Turnpike being presented as an example of how driving is Much More Fun. 

It's no secret that online gambling has taken over the promotion of professional sports; even credit cards, trucks, and alcohol can't compete.  Entire pregame and postgame shows are sponsored by these vultures, and the most famous faces in Hollywood have moved on from peddling crypto to hawking the joys of risking money in the stupidest way imaginable that doesn't involve the Multi-Level Marketing.  The current sports era is, in fact, Garbage Time.  Let's hope it doesn't last too long or cause TOO much damage, but right now, I'm downright nostalgic for those ads questioning my manhood if I didn't invest in Bitcoin.