Google, and Smart Phones in general, provide excellent reasons why even Millenials hate Millenials.

 

(Full disclosure:  I'm a Boomer.  But my point is that you don't have to be a Boomer to hate several things about these ads for ridiculously expensive toys or the people who insist on buying them.  You just need to have brain cells and a sense of shame.)

1.  When they aren't complaining about their student loans or their rent payments or the refusal of their employers to let them work from home, they are standing in line to buy the Very Latest Must Have Electronic Device because it has Titanium (because that sounds cool, not because it actually means anything) or (in the case of this ad) it has a Reality Eraser which you know people like this dumb ugly geek really, really wish they could have in Reality.

2.  They spend way, way too much time in their fleeting youth gasping for attention like a fish flopping around at the bottom of the boat.  This guy "needs" a $2000 phone because the one he bought six months ago isn't quite good enough to allow him to make a universally famous jackass of himself express himself to the world because, as I mentioned earlier, Reality keeps getting in the way.

3.  Total tools with way, way too much time on their hands pollute the comment sections of videos like this to express their admiration for the Shiny New Thing with a Camera (and maybe even Titanium!) that they really really desperately need to guy like yesterday Because Reasons, Reasons including "my life sucks because I don't have this and it will totally not suck the moment I get it."

In conclusion- every time I see one of these commercials, I feel a little less concerned for people from middle-class and upper-class suburban backgrounds struggling in dead-end jobs and burdened with student debt.  And I know that there are plenty of people out there half my age who feel the same way because seriously, you are shaming your own generation every time you buy in to this crap.  Just look at the comments posted in response to this ad.  It would be shameful if shame hadn't  died years ago.  RIP, shame.  We miss you!

One of the most racist commercials I've ever seen. Thanks, Aetna Medical Solutions!

 

Oh my god just check out the elderly woman as she- um, "saunters"- into the enormous kitchen of what is clearly a very substantial house to interrupt a conversation concerning Medicare benefits.  And while you're doing that, check out her liberal use of- um, the Queen's English- as she, um, "contributes' to said conversation.

Somehow we are supposed to believe that a woman who looks like she forgot to take the shirt she's wearing off the wire hanger it was on is "just loving" her "silver boxing lesson" which her friend Edna recommended, I suppose.  Never mind- that's quickly interrupted with Edna saying something that sounded to me like "Zero dollar monkey plan premium" the first six times I listened to it, followed by "Thank You Edna" which makes zero sense unless they are both named Edna.

The second Edna gives us a long drawn-out "Uh-HUHHHHH" to let us know that she's urban and black despite living in a house that is obviously in a wealthy suburb and then reveals that even though she's  enrolled in "silver boxing" despite having arms that look like she shared a cage with John McCain back in the late-60s she needs to be constantly reminded to do things by Edna # 1.  Things like getting to dental appointments.  We know she did that because she wants to protect a "million dollar smile" that we never see and no, we aren't going to complain.  We see more than we wanted to already.

Instead, let's complain about Aetna's marketing team deciding that this was a good representation of well-off elderly black people.  As I said in my opening sentence- oh my god.  What on earth were you thinking, Obviously Entirely White Advertising Firm hired by Aetna?

Of Marines, Navy Federal Credit Union, and Hypothetical Situations involving penguin costumes.

So I guess the answer this guy's question "what would happen to me if I didn't have a Navy Federal Credit Union Account and it's identity protection services" involves a very complicated but nothing resembling logical series of events:  Someone wearing a penguin mascot costume would steal his credit card and then wait to be noticed so that he could point out that he stole the credit card- rather than, you know, just running away.  The guy wearing the costume would then wave at the marine he stole the credit card from while holding the stolen credit card in his wing instead of concealing it.  The guy wearing the penguin costume would then carry out the next step of his ingenious plan- running away from two twenty-something marines while wearing a penguin mascot costume (the REAL genius comes in knocking over a trash can to slow down his pursuers, since obviously the marines couldn't possibly disobey the Do Not Walk on the Grass signs that I assume exist even though I don't see them because if they don't exist this makes even less sense than....well....then it already does.

I don't know.  This doesn't strike me as a particularly compelling reason to get a Navy Federal Credit Union card, but I'm not in the navy or in the market for a penguin mascot costume so what do I know.  By the way, I apologize for the weird formatting- this always happens when I have to embed an ad from iSpot.tv for some reason.  

 

I don't know who Timothee Chalamet is....

 

...but I've never been more happy to discover that I was watching a commercial for cologne.  That's because for several seconds I was convinced that another classic song was being used to sell a car or a phone.  Since it's for a perfume, for some reason I'm ok with it; I suspect the reason is because it's not for a car or a phone.  Tomorrow I'll probably be irritated that the Moody Blues sold out, but for now, I'm just glad they didn't sell out for the standard crap companies that seem determined to gobble up the songs of my youth like Pac Man going after pixels. 

Two for One: Taco Bell urges us to Start Our Day Very, Very Wrong, and that stupid Google Pixel Pro Ad

 

Is it just me, or does Pete Davidson look genuinely annoyed that millions of Americans might be waiting until lunchtime before ingesting life-shortening poison courtesy of Taco Bell?  

I don't know....I think that after I heard this woman scream like that at being offered a wedding ring, I'd opt for the wind noise instead.  It doesn't sound like an "I'm so happy" scream.  It sounds more like a "there's a dead mouse in that ring box!" scream.  Want to rethink this, buddy?  I mean, there are actual ADULTS out there who might be interested in marriage....

Reality check for the Dos Equis "Ukulele Guy"

 

Poor, poor Ukulele guy.  Didn't you know that there are only a few acceptable forms of activity allowed while sitting in front of a beach or camp fire with "friends?"  Strumming a ukulele is not allowed.  Humming is not allowed.  Here are the things you ARE allowed to do:

1.  Stare at your iPhone and exclaim with delight every few seconds as your bets on FanDuel come through.  Do this as loudly and ostentatiously as possible so that everyone knows that you are winning on FanDuel.  Because being a gambling addict was something to be ashamed of a few years ago, but it's something to celebrate now.  Just ask Kevin Hart, Jamie Foxx or any number of shameless paid shills for the industry. 

2.  Just stare at your iPhone and talk about how awesome and brand new it is and how you got a great deal on it and how everyone else there ought to get one Because Reasons.

3.  Go on and on about how awesome the Beer Everyone Without Exception is Drinking tastes because that's totally something people do in the real world. 

But if you insist on playing the ukulele and humming, expect your "friends" to tell you not to.  And then you can either put away your ukulele or you can tell your "friends" that you didn't ask for permission, don't give a flying f--k if they approve, and that you didn't complain when they squealed about FanDuel or gave obnoxious commercials for their iPhones so they should shove it up the orifices they don't use for breathing.   And those people on the yacht?  Don't even get me started on those people on the yacht.

Makes those Lexus December to Remember commercials look relatable.

 

I can tell you that when I take my luxury jet from an important business meeting and then climb into my $100,000 truck to drive the final miles to my $10 million dollar estate to exchange "man it's awesome to be stinking rich" shit-eating grins with my trophy wife, I feel exactly the way Derek Jeter must feel like in this ad- Life is Very, Very Good. 

Can we move on to getting luxury cars wrapped in big red bows now?