Audi Presents: Santa's Gift to Himself?

 

Ok, I can't even pretend to understand this ad.  Apparently Santa is a mega-millionaire who makes absolutely sure that his own nest is appropriately feathered (and his beard immaculately coiffed) before he has his butler (who isn't even an elf) show him his ridiculous self-driving not-sleigh which he then rides off, sans toys. 

What am I supposed to get out of this?  "Santa" checks his watch and is told "it's time."  Time for what?  Time to leave, I guess- but again, the only "toy" I see is the one Santa gave to himself; the one he's driving.  Where is he going?  I'm left to fill in the missing pieces myself, I guess.  So, here goes:

Santa leaves his very 21st-century palace in his So-21st-Century-That-It-Isn't-Available-To-Mortals-Yet Audi to head off to his workshop at the North Pole- specifically, the industrial region of the North Pole.  Just before he gets there, he changes into a fat suit, rumples his hair, and sticks a pipe into his mouth to achieve the Desired Effect.  Then he walks on to the killing floor toy sweatshop processing center where about a thousand or so Little People have been slaving away to create gifts for everyone from the Amazon packaging line's son (he's getting a paint set) to the hedge fund manager's daughter (she's getting an Audi.)  The elves?  They are getting what they get every year- a chance to worship Santa, the guy who only wants to spread joy throughout the world's children who happen to be Christian or have parents who recognize Christmas as about as religious as Superbowl Sunday.  

When his one evening per year of work is over, Santa climbs out of the fat suit, gets back into his Audi, and returns to his massive estate to check his stock portfolio.  The elves get back to work after their one day per year of vacation time spent in overpriced shacks which surround the toy factory.   Hearts are aglow, etc., etc. 

Where we supposed to do some pre-reading for this Capital One Venture X Black Gold Platinum Other Cool Buzzwords Business Card Commercial?

 

More to the point, did Jennifer Garner even DO that reading?  Because she doesn't seem to know what this guy's company actually provides to the...um..."public."  She says the word "resorts," but a quick google search reveals that Pinnacle Mountain Homes actually promotes itself as a provider of custom-made homes.  

Or, as their website puts it, they take pride in  "enhancing the lives of others by designing, building, furnishing and managing luxurious spaces."  Yeah, this is basically the Lexus of Home Construction.  Which is perfectly fine and all, but- what the hell does this have to do with small businesses?  

And speaking of small businesses, shouldn't Jennifer Garner be getting back to that farm she's supposed to be running?  Oh, right- that particular business doesn't pay for the lifestyle Ms. Garner is accustomed to.  And this is the best her agent can do for her.  Pardon me for not getting the warm feelies because this guy can use a credit card to buy the materials he needs to gouge scars into mountains and fill them with ostentatious second and third homes for his entitled clients.   The only silver lining here comes from reminding myself that the best thing about mountains is, sometimes people fall off them.  

The War Crime served up at Dunkin Donuts every October

 

The large version of this monstrosity- the version being shown in this ad- has 1160 calories (more than half of the number an active adult should consume over the course of a day.)  But that's not even the worst part-  it also contains 185 grams of sugar.  That's 47 teaspoons.  Of SUGAR.   That's more sugar than a dozen glazed donuts.  In ONE of these things. 

Note how slim the models pretending to drink this junk are.  Yeah, if you want to stay that way, you'd better continue to pretend to drink it.  Because having one of these a day for five days will, all by itself, put an extra pound of adipose tissue on that body - and I don't even want to get into what it's doing for your blood. 

And if that's not enough to make you stay far away from this diabetes delivery system (and it certainly should be,) well, there's also the fat content:  40 grams, of which 22 are the fatal (saturated) variety. 

Oh well, it's only available for a month, right?  You'll be good after early November, right?  Well, check out the Peppermint Swirl Mocha coffee, which will be available at least through January- and maybe beyond, who knows.  Believe it or not, it's WORSE.  

This place has the best black coffee you can get from a drive-thru (no sugar, no fat, no calories, just flavor once you've waited an hour or so for it to cool down.)  But this stuff...oh my god....what we do to support the sugar industry and pharmaceutical industries....

Watching Television reminds me of how old I am.

 

Hey fellow Boomers-

Remember how we used to watch tv, see a commercial for an upcoming show, and think "hey, that looks kind of cool, I might have to check that out?"  Maybe we'd take out the TV Guide and confirm the date and time and which of the three channels we got it would be on. 

Nowadays, 99 percent of the commercials for upcoming shows I see that are not Reality TV involving strangers dating while living in the same mansion or mock series involving a town's obsession with a soda turn out to be on some streaming service I do not subscribe to.  It's not "hey, that looks kind of cool, I might have to check that out."  It's "oh, that looks kind of cool- maybe I should pay a monthly fee to - um, which streaming service is offering this again I already forgot?"  Heck, half the time I see an ad for an NFL game I find out at the end that it's not available to me because I don't subscribe to the right service.  

I don't think it's just because I'm old, either.  There are over SIXTY of these services available worldwide, half of which boast more than ten million subscribers.  Clearly the Age of Free Television, which dawned in the 1950s, is passing quickly, rapidly replaced by streaming services popularized by people who, when they aren't buying iPhones or complaining about student debt,* are eagerly throwing money at this provider or that provider because everything must be available all the time.

I thought it was getting bad when MLB playoff games were moved to cable-only channels, because yes I'm SO old I can remember watching even the earliest series on free network television.  Then the NFL network, ESPN, and now Peacock have begun to swallow up professional football.  I imagine the next generation will shake its head in disbelief that there was once free content that was something other than attractive people pretending to love or hate each other when not engaged in gladiatorial contests involving rubber mallets.  

*I'm not letting this go.  Pay your damn bills, you brats. 

More fun from Capital One!

 

You may remember Jennifer Garner from such films as.....well, actually, if you're under the age of forty,  you probably just know Jennifer Garner from her apparently endless willingness to shill for Capital One.  After all, she hasn't been in a big budget film in almost twenty years and she's NEVER been in a hit movie. 

Oh, but she's also a small business owner, and we all must worship at the altar of small business, so there's that.  We're also supposed to care, for the same reason we're supposed to care about all small businesses:  Because Reasons.  Know how much I actually care about Jennifer Garner's ability to float debt using her Capital One card?  About as much as I care about any small business.  Or Jennifer Garner.  

Why does Capital One do this? Of course, we know the answer....

 

There IS a reason for the aggressive, in-your-face affirmations that launch this ad for a credit card- and they have nothing to do with making us feel better about having to rely on self-imposed debt in order to "build a credit score" (prove worthy of that debt) and buy stuff we need to escape from the otherwise soul-crushing reality of being too poor to appear anything close to successful in modern America.  

Rather, it has everything to do with convincing us that we "deserve" nice stuff and if we can get that nice stuff through the use of a piece of plastic connected to a bank, we should do it and stop limiting ourselves to only buying things we can afford.  I mean, it's 2023.  Nobody does that anymore.  

So buy those pizzas, climb into that new car, sign a lease on that new apartment- because you've borrowed and paid back enough to be deemed Worthy of More Debt by the banking industry, and how much more affirmation do you need than that?

Morgan, Morgan and the Art of Always Demanding More

 

There's a whole series of these "Miss More" ads presented by Morgan and Morgan ambulance chasers Personal Injury Attorneys at Law, and they all star the same person, which creates a very awkward situation in which it's hard to imagine anything other than the main character being a total scam artist  getting rich filing nuisance lawsuits.  I mean, come on.  This really isn't the kind of ad campaign you can pull off with one actress.  It looks sketchy as hell.

Especially since Miss More never appears to be even the slightest bit injured in any of these ads.  She does, however, look almost demented in her happiness as she files yet another personal injury lawsuit. Remind me to never ever drive in the same zip code as this woman.  I'd never knock another woman's hustle, but that doesn't mean I want to be part of it. 

Man, the messaging in these ads is weird.  I might have to do another one somewhere down the road.  As I said, there's a whole series of this garbage.