24 hours before the flight, 48 hours before Thanksgiving email: "It's Time To Check In!"
8 hours before the flight, 32 hours before Thanksgiving email: "Here's A Chance to Upgrade; Be One of the First to Board for only $49 more by moving to the Main Cabin."
4 hours before the flight, 28 hours before Thanksgiving email: "Would You Like to Upgrade to First Class for only $99?"
2 hours before the flight, 26 hours before Thanksgiving email: "YOUR FLIGHT IS CANCELLED. PICK YOUR NEW FLIGHT" which, unlike my original flight, includes a 3-hour layover in Philadelphia and an arrival at my original destination only 11.5 hours after my original estimated time of arrival; in other words, 30 minutes before Thanksgiving.
All Taco Bell commercials nowadays that don't feature Pete Davidson* attack the viewer with dozens of still shots of people shoving or about to shove greasy garbage into their mouths while smiling and having fun with friends. Of course, it's all about the timeless message that consuming this product (in this case, processed meat, oil, cheese and starch) while being with friends makes being with friends just that much more fun.
In this particular ad, life becomes more fun if you add a Taco Bell Cravings Box- about 2000 calories of nutrient-deficient sludge- to your time with friends. That regularly ingesting Taco Bell will also cut back on the amount of time you'll have to enjoy your friends- and your life- is left unmentioned, but I thought I'd throw that in here anyway.
*the ads that include Pete Davidson have the interesting effect of diminishing one's appetite, which makes me wonder why Taco Bell even airs them. Seems counter-productive, but what do I know about advertising? I'm just a curmudgeon.
Ok, I can't even pretend to understand this ad. Apparently Santa is a mega-millionaire who makes absolutely sure that his own nest is appropriately feathered (and his beard immaculately coiffed) before he has his butler (who isn't even an elf) show him his ridiculous self-driving not-sleigh which he then rides off, sans toys.
What am I supposed to get out of this? "Santa" checks his watch and is told "it's time." Time for what? Time to leave, I guess- but again, the only "toy" I see is the one Santa gave to himself; the one he's driving. Where is he going? I'm left to fill in the missing pieces myself, I guess. So, here goes:
Santa leaves his very 21st-century palace in his So-21st-Century-That-It-Isn't-Available-To-Mortals-Yet Audi to head off to his workshop at the North Pole- specifically, the industrial region of the North Pole. Just before he gets there, he changes into a fat suit, rumples his hair, and sticks a pipe into his mouth to achieve the Desired Effect. Then he walks on to the killing floor toy sweatshop processing center where about a thousand or so Little People have been slaving away to create gifts for everyone from the Amazon packaging line's son (he's getting a paint set) to the hedge fund manager's daughter (she's getting an Audi.) The elves? They are getting what they get every year- a chance to worship Santa, the guy who only wants to spread joy throughout the world's children who happen to be Christian or have parents who recognize Christmas as about as religious as Superbowl Sunday.
When his one evening per year of work is over, Santa climbs out of the fat suit, gets back into his Audi, and returns to his massive estate to check his stock portfolio. The elves get back to work after their one day per year of vacation time spent in overpriced shacks which surround the toy factory. Hearts are aglow, etc., etc.
More to the point, did Jennifer Garner even DO that reading? Because she doesn't seem to know what this guy's company actually provides to the...um..."public." She says the word "resorts," but a quick google search reveals that Pinnacle Mountain Homes actually promotes itself as a provider of custom-made homes.
Or, as their website puts it, they take pride in "enhancing the lives of others by designing, building, furnishing and managing luxurious spaces." Yeah, this is basically the Lexus of Home Construction. Which is perfectly fine and all, but- what the hell does this have to do with small businesses?
And speaking of small businesses, shouldn't Jennifer Garner be getting back to that farm she's supposed to be running? Oh, right- that particular business doesn't pay for the lifestyle Ms. Garner is accustomed to. And this is the best her agent can do for her. Pardon me for not getting the warm feelies because this guy can use a credit card to buy the materials he needs to gouge scars into mountains and fill them with ostentatious second and third homes for his entitled clients. The only silver lining here comes from reminding myself that the best thing about mountains is, sometimes people fall off them.
The large version of this monstrosity- the version being shown in this ad- has 1160 calories (more than half of the number an active adult should consume over the course of a day.) But that's not even the worst part- it also contains 185 grams of sugar. That's 47 teaspoons. Of SUGAR. That's more sugar than a dozen glazed donuts. In ONE of these things.
Note how slim the models pretending to drink this junk are. Yeah, if you want to stay that way, you'd better continue to pretend to drink it. Because having one of these a day for five days will, all by itself, put an extra pound of adipose tissue on that body - and I don't even want to get into what it's doing for your blood.
And if that's not enough to make you stay far away from this diabetes delivery system (and it certainly should be,) well, there's also the fat content: 40 grams, of which 22 are the fatal (saturated) variety.
Oh well, it's only available for a month, right? You'll be good after early November, right? Well, check out the Peppermint Swirl Mocha coffee, which will be available at least through January- and maybe beyond, who knows. Believe it or not, it's WORSE.
This place has the best black coffee you can get from a drive-thru (no sugar, no fat, no calories, just flavor once you've waited an hour or so for it to cool down.) But this stuff...oh my god....what we do to support the sugar industry and pharmaceutical industries....
Remember how we used to watch tv, see a commercial for an upcoming show, and think "hey, that looks kind of cool, I might have to check that out?" Maybe we'd take out the TV Guide and confirm the date and time and which of the three channels we got it would be on.
Nowadays, 99 percent of the commercials for upcoming shows I see that are not Reality TV involving strangers dating while living in the same mansion or mock series involving a town's obsession with a soda turn out to be on some streaming service I do not subscribe to. It's not "hey, that looks kind of cool, I might have to check that out." It's "oh, that looks kind of cool- maybe I should pay a monthly fee to - um, which streaming service is offering this again I already forgot?" Heck, half the time I see an ad for an NFL game I find out at the end that it's not available to me because I don't subscribe to the right service.
I don't think it's just because I'm old, either. There are over SIXTY of these services available worldwide, half of which boast more than ten million subscribers. Clearly the Age of Free Television, which dawned in the 1950s, is passing quickly, rapidly replaced by streaming services popularized by people who, when they aren't buying iPhones or complaining about student debt,* are eagerly throwing money at this provider or that provider because everything must be available all the time.
I thought it was getting bad when MLB playoff games were moved to cable-only channels, because yes I'm SO old I can remember watching even the earliest series on free network television. Then the NFL network, ESPN, and now Peacock have begun to swallow up professional football. I imagine the next generation will shake its head in disbelief that there was once free content that was something other than attractive people pretending to love or hate each other when not engaged in gladiatorial contests involving rubber mallets.
*I'm not letting this go. Pay your damn bills, you brats.
You may remember Jennifer Garner from such films as.....well, actually, if you're under the age of forty, you probably just know Jennifer Garner from her apparently endless willingness to shill for Capital One. After all, she hasn't been in a big budget film in almost twenty years and she's NEVER been in a hit movie.
Oh, but she's also a small business owner, and we all must worship at the altar of small business, so there's that. We're also supposed to care, for the same reason we're supposed to care about all small businesses: Because Reasons. Know how much I actually care about Jennifer Garner's ability to float debt using her Capital One card? About as much as I care about any small business. Or Jennifer Garner.
