At least Shaq isn't selling crypto, gambling apps or Not-Medicare "Coverage," but still.....

 

I guess some people think it's fun to watch Shaquille O'Neill attempt to toss a pizza for a few seconds, and hang out with a few Papa Johns employees for a few minutes, before getting into one of his luxury cars and driving to the airport to climb aboard his private jet to fly off to one of his houses, because it convinces them that this former NBA star with a net worth of $400 million is Just One of The Guys.  I say "I guess," because I don't know, and I don't know because the comment section for this video is turned off.

I think it's entirely possible that some people also think that watching a guy who has rented his name and image to low-coverage, monthly-payment car insurance and high-interest rental "services" to a massive pizza chain in exchange for god knows how much money (which he doesn't need) is a little tone-deaf.  Especially when you consider that those employees Shaq is having fun with won't make in ten years what Shaq made in a week of playing basketball- hell, they probably won't make in ten years what Shaq was paid to do this commercial.  

But again- at least he's only selling trash "food" and not life-destroying addictions or terrible investments in non-fungible non-currency.  That puts him above Jamie Foxx and the ubiquitous Kevin Hart, at least.  Low bar, but Shaq gets over it.  I wonder if he tipped those employees with something other than a signature before driving off in that car, though. 

Gambling has never been easier. Yeah...this is going to end well.

 

If I saw any idiot staring at a phone screen held two inches from his face, I'd assume he forgot to pack his glasses, not that he was suffering from "single game fixation" or whatever the hell this Not a Doctor says.  At any rate, I guess the message here is that the "cure" for "single game fixation" is to download this gambling app that lets you bet on "any game, any time" with just a few quick clicks that allow you to put your money in jeopardy before you even have a chance to think about it, which I suppose is ok if you're Charles Barkley (pretty sure he can risk $200 for "fun") but sure doesn't sound like a great return for your entertainment dollar if you are the kind of middle-class schmuck this commercial is aimed at.

By the way, this app is also the "cure" for "financial stability."  Take it often enough, and you won't have to worry about regularly having enough money to pay your bills ever again.  No more wondering what to do with your excess cash, because you won't have any.  But hey, it's all just good fun and just in case here's a GAMBLING PROBLEM? toll-free number to call!  No worries!

I thought Life was a series of insultingly stupid commercials encouraging destructive behavior?

 

Yeah, accepting a job offer is a gamble.  Buying a house is a gamble.  Getting married is a gamble. 

But here's the very worst gamble, featuring the very worst odds:  Gambling.  

I guess we're "supposed" to gamble because it's "fun" and also because if we don't, we are kind of wussy and afraid of life.  You know, like we were supposed to buy crypto for pretty much the same reason a couple of Superbowls ago.  And before that, we were supposed to smoke this or that brand of cigarettes to achieve the same result- to have fun and be seen as cool, if not trailblazers.

I missed getting in on the ground floor of smoking and crypto, and I'm going to miss the current Do This Or You're a Buzzkill Grampa trend, which I guess is making sports more "fun" by betting your financial stability on the performance of millionaires playing what I thought was just a game.  It's not that I don't want to be cool; it's just that I can't afford it. 

Again: Wendy's, nobody in their right mind would eat food prepared by these people!

 

I totally support the idea of hiring the mentally ill, but I draw the line when they feel free to start molesting customers. 

In this ad, not only does nobody on the crew have absolutely nothing to do but stare at a customer, but one of them has the effrontery to walk right up to that customer and initiate non-censual physical contact.  I smell a lawsuit.  A big one.

Maybe these weirdos should stick to coming up with "nicknames" for the Wendy's combo meals or whatever the hell they were doing in that other commercial.  At least they aren't getting all touchy-feely with the customers in that one. 

Verizon, the iPhone, and the Holidays: These aren't your parents' carols....

 

It's not that Nothing is Sacred, it's that what used to be sacred is So Very Yesterday, and what is now sacred is, well, Verizon and iPhones and desire for Shiny Electronic Stuff that is so strong that we get hit over the head with commercials like this.  

So a bunch of strangers show up to sing about the latest stupid toy the already over-indulged Child Living in an Adult's Body wants because it happens to be the Christmas season, as if the Season for Giving Yourself Things isn't all year round these days. 

And the people answering the door just take this in stride.  As do the people in the comment section.  That is, when they aren't asking for the lyrics to the "song" or wondering who the "actors" in this thing are.  Gross. 

Peloton's Obvious Desperation is Obvious and Desperate.

 

Your company hit gold in the form of COVID.  Gyms closed down, stimulus checks were sent out, a lot of people in the upper tax brackets were stuck at home = market for fancy expensive exercise bikes with subscription workout sessions.  

Admit it- you would have been perfectly happy to see COVID last another several years.  If you were a James Bond villain, you might be trying to discover a new pandemic to unleash upon the world right now.  COVID was a bonanza for the Exercise from Home Industry.  You were only a small part of that industry, but it made your company what it was at its peak- a winner. 

These ads showing people in love with their Pelotons are almost sad, almost funny in their disconnect with reality.  In one scene, we've got a guy using his bike inside what looks to be a vast, otherwise empty warehouse.  In another, we've got the "relatable" guy munching on a bag of chips which he throws away as the workout gets started like a kid who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar (1984 much?  "Smith! 2087 Smith W!  Straighten that back! Good job, Comrade!")

And then we get the "big sale" pitch which finally brings us to the point- Peloton overextended itself, people are going back to the gym, taking spinning classes on basketball courts again, and sales are way, way down for these overpriced status symbols you can't even manage to let your coworkers know you have because you can't figure out how to casually bring it up in conversation.  

You've got a bigger problem, Peloton, and its names are Craig's List and Facebook Marketplace.  No matter how much you drop the price of your white elephants, you probably are not going to be able to match the deals you can get on those and other Please Buy My Stuff My Rent Is Due Why Did I Buy This sites.  Because the gyms are still out there, pretty much every other exercise bike that does the same thing is much cheaper, and yard sales are online 24/7.

Your "good times," which pretty much everyone else considered two years they want to forget as soon as possible, are over.*  Accept it with some dignity, please.

*it's entirely possible that you'll get a small boost right after Thanksgiving, and maybe another one after New Year's Day, but I still wouldn't buy stock in your company unless I planned to sell it to another sucker in the short term.  

 

It's Feast or Famine at American Airlines!

 

24 hours before the flight, 48 hours before Thanksgiving email:  "It's Time To Check In!"

8 hours before the flight, 32 hours before Thanksgiving email:  "Here's A Chance to Upgrade; Be One of the First to Board for only $49 more by moving to the Main Cabin."

4 hours before the flight, 28 hours before Thanksgiving email:  "Would You Like to Upgrade to First Class for only $99?"

2 hours before the flight, 26 hours before Thanksgiving email:  "YOUR FLIGHT IS CANCELLED.  PICK YOUR NEW FLIGHT" which, unlike my original flight, includes a 3-hour layover in Philadelphia and an arrival at my original destination only 11.5 hours after my original estimated time of arrival; in other words, 30 minutes before Thanksgiving.

Thanks, American.  Happy Holidays to you, too.