Two things that really annoy me about this Capital One Bank "Toy Drive" ad

 

1.  At the end of "How The Grinch Stole Christmas!" (book- 1957, network cartoon- 1966) the Grinch's heart grows three sizes, he realizes he had Christmas all wrong, he returns all the toys he stole, and he even carves the roast beast for all the Whos down in Whoville.  In other words, he's a totally reformed character.  This ad pretends that he still steals toys and is the pre-1957 Grinch in his outlook.  

This is like portraying Scrooge as a vicious, bitter old miser in modern ads (which also happens.)  It makes no sense.  Stop portraying former villains as current villains.*  It's stupid and doesn't fit into the Christmas spirit at all. 

2.  This guy's frozen smile is totally creeping me out.  Get that thing surgically removed from your face, buddy.   You look like someone offscreen has a gun to your head.  

*while we're at it, how about keeping your grubby hands off our memories period and come up with your own characters, music, et cetera?

I'm supposed to care about this Truist Bank Customer, for Reasons I guess.

 

   

 I'll put down serious money concerning the work philosophy of Fernando, the guy who according to this ad has "twenty businesses:"  That he agrees with people like Dave Ramsey and his lapdog Ken Coleman- and Elon Musk-  that people who work more than one job are committing "theft" from their employers for not giving 100 percent of their time to one company.

Never mind that mega-rich CEOs brag about how many companies they serve on the boards of or (like this guy) how many businesses they own outright.  That's totally different, Because Reasons.  If you are a teleworker who isn't available 24/7 for the company that is paying you for forty hours per week, you're a "thief."  Doesn't matter if you get all your work done- when that happens, you aren't supposed to supplement your income by getting all of your work done somewhere else.  You're supposed to ask your original employer for more work (but not more money.)

So the diminishing number of companies that are still permitting people to work from home are beginning to incorporate software to count keystrokes, require those workers to keep their laptop cameras on and have a photo taken of them every other minute or so, and other 1984-style "productivity monitors" in order to prevent employees from trying to engage in "career cushioning," or establishing another stream of income which provides some measure of financial independence from the company.  Because it's bad enough that they don't want to waste time and money commuting to an office so that they can sit in a cubicle and do exactly the same thing they could just as easily do at home; we must make sure that the nose ring is securely fastened to one paycheck and one paycheck only.  

Meanwhile, this guy can have twenty companies and nobody will accuse him of neglecting any of them while he takes a salary from all of them.  This is just fine- again, because Reasons.  Make it make sense, someone.  Make it make sense. 

Another relatable "Wealth Management" commercial from J.P. Morgan

 

If you are kept awake by worries over paying your rent, settling student loan debts, keeping the lights on or just getting enough food to keep your blood sugar up so that you can get to your dead-end job for another day, well, look at the silver lining:  you could be one of the people in this ad, overwhelmed with "financial noise" consisting of buzzwords describing ways to shuffle money around when all you want to do is drink martinis in the bar of the five-star hotel you are staying at for your business conference. 

So the next time your feet hurt because you've been standing at the register for eight straight hours, or you hear a rumor that your company is about to downsize or rightsize or whatever they are calling Firing People these days, just count your blessings- at least you aren't tortured with thoughts about whether you should invest in junk bonds, crypto or digital pictures of bored apes.  Your problems are so simple compared to the struggles of the one percent.  Why aren't more of you grateful?

Pizza Hut's confounding definition of value and taste

 

I don't know who this person is, or what she's talking about,  How exactly does paying $7.99 for warm starch, processed sugar, and enough carbohydrates to put an elephant into a coma (or the average family of fat Americans down for a long afternoon nap) equal a "good value?"  Because it's cheaper than a bucket of Kentucky Fried Grease?  

And "good taste?"  Consuming this mass-produced, bland garbage shows "good taste?"  Because it's not Taco Bell?  Talk about setting the bar low- so low, in fact, that the average American can still step over it without breaking into a sweat.  For now. 

At least Shaq isn't selling crypto, gambling apps or Not-Medicare "Coverage," but still.....

 

I guess some people think it's fun to watch Shaquille O'Neill attempt to toss a pizza for a few seconds, and hang out with a few Papa Johns employees for a few minutes, before getting into one of his luxury cars and driving to the airport to climb aboard his private jet to fly off to one of his houses, because it convinces them that this former NBA star with a net worth of $400 million is Just One of The Guys.  I say "I guess," because I don't know, and I don't know because the comment section for this video is turned off.

I think it's entirely possible that some people also think that watching a guy who has rented his name and image to low-coverage, monthly-payment car insurance and high-interest rental "services" to a massive pizza chain in exchange for god knows how much money (which he doesn't need) is a little tone-deaf.  Especially when you consider that those employees Shaq is having fun with won't make in ten years what Shaq made in a week of playing basketball- hell, they probably won't make in ten years what Shaq was paid to do this commercial.  

But again- at least he's only selling trash "food" and not life-destroying addictions or terrible investments in non-fungible non-currency.  That puts him above Jamie Foxx and the ubiquitous Kevin Hart, at least.  Low bar, but Shaq gets over it.  I wonder if he tipped those employees with something other than a signature before driving off in that car, though. 

Gambling has never been easier. Yeah...this is going to end well.

 

If I saw any idiot staring at a phone screen held two inches from his face, I'd assume he forgot to pack his glasses, not that he was suffering from "single game fixation" or whatever the hell this Not a Doctor says.  At any rate, I guess the message here is that the "cure" for "single game fixation" is to download this gambling app that lets you bet on "any game, any time" with just a few quick clicks that allow you to put your money in jeopardy before you even have a chance to think about it, which I suppose is ok if you're Charles Barkley (pretty sure he can risk $200 for "fun") but sure doesn't sound like a great return for your entertainment dollar if you are the kind of middle-class schmuck this commercial is aimed at.

By the way, this app is also the "cure" for "financial stability."  Take it often enough, and you won't have to worry about regularly having enough money to pay your bills ever again.  No more wondering what to do with your excess cash, because you won't have any.  But hey, it's all just good fun and just in case here's a GAMBLING PROBLEM? toll-free number to call!  No worries!

I thought Life was a series of insultingly stupid commercials encouraging destructive behavior?

 

Yeah, accepting a job offer is a gamble.  Buying a house is a gamble.  Getting married is a gamble. 

But here's the very worst gamble, featuring the very worst odds:  Gambling.  

I guess we're "supposed" to gamble because it's "fun" and also because if we don't, we are kind of wussy and afraid of life.  You know, like we were supposed to buy crypto for pretty much the same reason a couple of Superbowls ago.  And before that, we were supposed to smoke this or that brand of cigarettes to achieve the same result- to have fun and be seen as cool, if not trailblazers.

I missed getting in on the ground floor of smoking and crypto, and I'm going to miss the current Do This Or You're a Buzzkill Grampa trend, which I guess is making sports more "fun" by betting your financial stability on the performance of millionaires playing what I thought was just a game.  It's not that I don't want to be cool; it's just that I can't afford it.