Hey look who is on a T-Mobile ad- that actor you kind of think you maybe remember, dressed up like a marshmallow!

 

So I went over to Zoe Saldana's Wiki page and found that I've seen exactly two of her films:  Pirates of the Caribbean:  Curse of the Black Pearl, where she was a bit actor you'd miss if you blinked, and Columbiana, where she was the main star and in almost every scene.  The first film made $654 million and was the fourth-biggest box office hit of 2003.   The second made $60 million and was one of the bigger box office bombs of 2011.*

That being said, Ms. Saldana is apparently worth $40 million, which leaves me wondering why she wishes "her family" would buy the new iPhone Number Whatever.   This woman is very wealthy and 45 years old.  If she wants one of these new phones, I'm pretty sure her budget can swing it. 

On the other hand, if she's seriously considering buying that stupid coat, maybe she really isn't old enough to pick out a phone for herself.  But I guess that's supposed to be the joke?  "Why do I look like a marshmallow?"  Um, maybe because you are wearing an enormous, shapeless white coat that looks like it would prevent you from boarding most elevators?

*Apparently Ms. Saldana was in talks concerning a sequel as late as 2017.  Or so she says.  I'm sure the only reason it got shelved was because of that Illness of which we Shall Not Speak.  I'm also sure that it would have been a cinematic masterpiece and we are all a little poorer for having been deprived of it. 

All snark aside, and in the interest of full disclosure, I have to admit that I rather liked Columbiana, except when it was being weighed down by the stupid plot-derailing tacked-on love story.  Sure it was as predictable as all get out and as original as your average Hallmark Christmas film; it's still reasonable background noise when I'm doing housework.  And I find it hilarious that the nation of Columbia protested that the film placed the country in a "bad light."  How the hell does one injure Columbia's reputation?

Incredibly, Lexus December to Remember beneficiaries get even more unlikeable

 

It's not enough that this guy owns a Lexus and is married to a trophy wife at his beck and call, but he's got to have a hobby that involves torturing huskies, too?  I mean, come on- sled dogs?  Get a freaking snowmobile.  What's the matter, Lexus doesn't manufacture one so you can't look even more obnoxious to your neighbors?

Jesus, what's coming next year, Lexus?  Cock fighting?  

Five Points Concerning this Gross Jublia Ad

 

1.  This guy needs to stop grossing out his family and wear some socks.* 

2.  This kid needs to find something to do that keeps her attention so she isn't distracted by her dad's gross feet.**

3.  Is the doctor sitting in the living room with these people?  I don't understand how she's taking part in this conversation.

4.  Why is this kid yelling for mom?  Oh right- because dad's being stupid, and mom will fix this.  Mom fixes everything.  Because Television.

5.  Why are non-medical experts constantly being encouraged to Ask Their Doctor If This Drug Is Right For You?  Isn't that kind of their job already?  Oh right- yes, it's the doctor's job to diagnose and prescribe, but it's the patient's job to "helpfully suggest" expensive prescriptions rather than over-the-counter treatments- unless, of course, the problem is back pain, in which case it's Go Get a Salon Pas Patch and Get Out of My Office Already.  

*seriously, put on some socks you gross, weird little man.

**seriously.  I assume that this house has more than one room.  Is there a reason you're required to play eighteen inches from your father's disgusting toes?

Two things that really annoy me about this Capital One Bank "Toy Drive" ad

 

1.  At the end of "How The Grinch Stole Christmas!" (book- 1957, network cartoon- 1966) the Grinch's heart grows three sizes, he realizes he had Christmas all wrong, he returns all the toys he stole, and he even carves the roast beast for all the Whos down in Whoville.  In other words, he's a totally reformed character.  This ad pretends that he still steals toys and is the pre-1957 Grinch in his outlook.  

This is like portraying Scrooge as a vicious, bitter old miser in modern ads (which also happens.)  It makes no sense.  Stop portraying former villains as current villains.*  It's stupid and doesn't fit into the Christmas spirit at all. 

2.  This guy's frozen smile is totally creeping me out.  Get that thing surgically removed from your face, buddy.   You look like someone offscreen has a gun to your head.  

*while we're at it, how about keeping your grubby hands off our memories period and come up with your own characters, music, et cetera?

I'm supposed to care about this Truist Bank Customer, for Reasons I guess.

 

   

 I'll put down serious money concerning the work philosophy of Fernando, the guy who according to this ad has "twenty businesses:"  That he agrees with people like Dave Ramsey and his lapdog Ken Coleman- and Elon Musk-  that people who work more than one job are committing "theft" from their employers for not giving 100 percent of their time to one company.

Never mind that mega-rich CEOs brag about how many companies they serve on the boards of or (like this guy) how many businesses they own outright.  That's totally different, Because Reasons.  If you are a teleworker who isn't available 24/7 for the company that is paying you for forty hours per week, you're a "thief."  Doesn't matter if you get all your work done- when that happens, you aren't supposed to supplement your income by getting all of your work done somewhere else.  You're supposed to ask your original employer for more work (but not more money.)

So the diminishing number of companies that are still permitting people to work from home are beginning to incorporate software to count keystrokes, require those workers to keep their laptop cameras on and have a photo taken of them every other minute or so, and other 1984-style "productivity monitors" in order to prevent employees from trying to engage in "career cushioning," or establishing another stream of income which provides some measure of financial independence from the company.  Because it's bad enough that they don't want to waste time and money commuting to an office so that they can sit in a cubicle and do exactly the same thing they could just as easily do at home; we must make sure that the nose ring is securely fastened to one paycheck and one paycheck only.  

Meanwhile, this guy can have twenty companies and nobody will accuse him of neglecting any of them while he takes a salary from all of them.  This is just fine- again, because Reasons.  Make it make sense, someone.  Make it make sense. 

Another relatable "Wealth Management" commercial from J.P. Morgan

 

If you are kept awake by worries over paying your rent, settling student loan debts, keeping the lights on or just getting enough food to keep your blood sugar up so that you can get to your dead-end job for another day, well, look at the silver lining:  you could be one of the people in this ad, overwhelmed with "financial noise" consisting of buzzwords describing ways to shuffle money around when all you want to do is drink martinis in the bar of the five-star hotel you are staying at for your business conference. 

So the next time your feet hurt because you've been standing at the register for eight straight hours, or you hear a rumor that your company is about to downsize or rightsize or whatever they are calling Firing People these days, just count your blessings- at least you aren't tortured with thoughts about whether you should invest in junk bonds, crypto or digital pictures of bored apes.  Your problems are so simple compared to the struggles of the one percent.  Why aren't more of you grateful?

Pizza Hut's confounding definition of value and taste

 

I don't know who this person is, or what she's talking about,  How exactly does paying $7.99 for warm starch, processed sugar, and enough carbohydrates to put an elephant into a coma (or the average family of fat Americans down for a long afternoon nap) equal a "good value?"  Because it's cheaper than a bucket of Kentucky Fried Grease?  

And "good taste?"  Consuming this mass-produced, bland garbage shows "good taste?"  Because it's not Taco Bell?  Talk about setting the bar low- so low, in fact, that the average American can still step over it without breaking into a sweat.  For now.