Take a look at the facial expressions of each person in this cringey nothing of a commercial. It's so stilted and hokey- what's with the nods?* What's with the guy in the row behind the father and son eavesdropping on the grocery shopping? Is the game really that boring? And while we're at it, who the hell shops for groceries on their phone during a game that father probably spent $100 or more on tickets to get into in the first place?
Maybe this is grocery shopping. It sure isn't acting. It's just stupid. Maybe get some actual human beings for the next ad, and come up with some plausible scenario for the ordering of groceries.
Honey, I've got some information that you may not have made yourself aware of:
1. You are wife No. 3.
2. Wife No. 1 lasted for four years. Wife No. 2 lasted less than a single year. You may or may not be the first Mrs. Elba to see Year Five as Mrs. Elba.
3. Take a look at that house you are currently living in. Take a look at your husband's net worth. Remind yourself that you are a model who met Idris in a Moroccan jazz bar in 2017, two years before you became Wife No. 3. Please hang on to that last part- Number Three. You are Number Three.
4. You are seventeen years younger than your husband. You won a "Ms. Vancouver" Beauty Pageant, but that was waaaaay back in 2014. You know what I'm implying.
5. Do the math. Your husband is doing whatever the hell he wants to do. I suggest you uncross your arms and remove all calendars from that house as quickly as possible. Pack that attitude away, too. There are plenty of single models out there who won't bat an eye at multimillionaire movie stars who want to rid their kitchen of fruit flies.
I didn't think it was possible for a commercial to truly make me long for an early death, but this one comes pretty damn close, especially since it's showing up during every. Freaking. Ad Break. During every. Single. One. Of today's three-game NFL marathon on NFL Network.
Sometimes I wonder why the comments on ads are turned off. Sometimes I don't wonder at all. Guess which time this is? I mean, other than time to gouge my ears out.
I guess we boomers are supposed to have our nostalgia bone tickled by the sight of John Travolta (who may or may not be wearing fake padding under that coat) strutting around town to the Bee Gees while using a particular credit card to buy stuff because we are simultaneously supposed to believe it's Santa Claus AND Santa Claus is generating revenue despite giving away toys and never- according to all the canon we've ever been handed- actually handles money.
(I mean, seriously- what is Santa's credit score, and how did he acquire it? When did Santa buy a car or apply for a mortgage?)
In case the music and strutting didn't do it for us, well, we'll just have Travolta/Santa strut back to 1978 and walk into a disco that is not only inexplicably still operating, but is filled with customers, including a very sad looking Donna Pescow, who looks like she's been told what her paycheck for this appearance is compared to Travolta's- either that, or she's just wearing the same face she's had on since she found out that Angie wasn't going to be renewed for a third season. What's in your wallet, Donna? My guess is, not much.
So I went over to Zoe Saldana's Wiki page and found that I've seen exactly two of her films: Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl, where she was a bit actor you'd miss if you blinked, and Columbiana, where she was the main star and in almost every scene. The first film made $654 million and was the fourth-biggest box office hit of 2003. The second made $60 million and was one of the bigger box office bombs of 2011.*
That being said, Ms. Saldana is apparently worth $40 million, which leaves me wondering why she wishes "her family" would buy the new iPhone Number Whatever. This woman is very wealthy and 45 years old. If she wants one of these new phones, I'm pretty sure her budget can swing it.
On the other hand, if she's seriously considering buying that stupid coat, maybe she really isn't old enough to pick out a phone for herself. But I guess that's supposed to be the joke? "Why do I look like a marshmallow?" Um, maybe because you are wearing an enormous, shapeless white coat that looks like it would prevent you from boarding most elevators?
*Apparently Ms. Saldana was in talks concerning a sequel as late as 2017. Or so she says. I'm sure the only reason it got shelved was because of that Illness of which we Shall Not Speak. I'm also sure that it would have been a cinematic masterpiece and we are all a little poorer for having been deprived of it.
All snark aside, and in the interest of full disclosure, I have to admit that I rather liked Columbiana, except when it was being weighed down by the stupid plot-derailing tacked-on love story. Sure it was as predictable as all get out and as original as your average Hallmark Christmas film; it's still reasonable background noise when I'm doing housework. And I find it hilarious that the nation of Columbia protested that the film placed the country in a "bad light." How the hell does one injure Columbia's reputation?
It's not enough that this guy owns a Lexus and is married to a trophy wife at his beck and call, but he's got to have a hobby that involves torturing huskies, too? I mean, come on- sled dogs? Get a freaking snowmobile. What's the matter, Lexus doesn't manufacture one so you can't look even more obnoxious to your neighbors?
Jesus, what's coming next year, Lexus? Cock fighting?
1. This guy needs to stop grossing out his family and wear some socks.*
2. This kid needs to find something to do that keeps her attention so she isn't distracted by her dad's gross feet.**
3. Is the doctor sitting in the living room with these people? I don't understand how she's taking part in this conversation.
4. Why is this kid yelling for mom? Oh right- because dad's being stupid, and mom will fix this. Mom fixes everything. Because Television.
5. Why are non-medical experts constantly being encouraged to Ask Their Doctor If This Drug Is Right For You? Isn't that kind of their job already? Oh right- yes, it's the doctor's job to diagnose and prescribe, but it's the patient's job to "helpfully suggest" expensive prescriptions rather than over-the-counter treatments- unless, of course, the problem is back pain, in which case it's Go Get a Salon Pas Patch and Get Out of My Office Already.
*seriously, put on some socks you gross, weird little man.
**seriously. I assume that this house has more than one room. Is there a reason you're required to play eighteen inches from your father's disgusting toes?
