1. When years of eating non-emergency Domino's Pizza, Taco Bell and McDonald's finally catches up to you and you just need something to tide you over while you are waiting for the paramedics to respond to your 9-1-1 call.
2. When people you don't like show up unexpectedly and are clearly not going to leave before you planned to have an actual dinner. Serve them this and have a late meal after they've finally left.
3. When every pizza place on Earth except Domino's is closed, every grocery store has been wiped out by a plague, and you key broke off the tin of the 20-year old can of Spam in your cupboard.
4. When it's December 31 and you've decided that your New Year's Resolution is to just say to hell with all of it, you've had enough.
"Liberty Mutual saved me money on my car insurance, and I decided to use that money to avoid an actual jobfor a little while longer start a dog walking business."
"You might ask, what did you spend the money on? Well, I went to VistaPrint and ordered a whole bunch of business cards advertising that I'm unemployed and not all that interested in getting an actual job that requires actual skills, so as long as I'm just hanging around at home anyway I might as well walk your dogs for a fee while you are out making a living doing something of value to society."
"You might also ask, 'well, why dog walking?' Well, if this was the late-20th century the business I'd probably start would be babysitting a lot of kids at my home opening a daycare center, but that's really regulated these days and parents have become a lot more particular concerning who watches their kids- otherwise unemployable unskilled women just don't cut it as "early childhood education teachers" anymore. I figure for at least a few more years Double Income Couples will still trust clueless wannabe boss babe slobs like me with their dogs, though."
"You might also think, 'what qualifies you to walk dogs?' Well, as you can see from this commercial, absolutely nothing beyond my conviction that it should be easy, and I want an easy job where I get to call myself boss. If you think that this is kind of sad because I look like I'm in my late-20s and I really ought to get my head out of my a$$ and start thinking about doing an actual job with a future and stop pretending I can run my own business that isn't Multi-Level Marketing, well, keep your opinion to yourself and leave me to my delusions dreams!"
I don't have any grandchildren, so I'll have to emulate the actions of the grandma in this ad with my godchildren instead....
"Dear Milo and Iris,
I am so happy to learn that you love taking pictures. I will never forget how thrilled I was to finally get a Polaroid One-Step Land Camera with cutting edge technology like the Q-light flash and a faux-leather carrying case. To encourage your passion, I am adding this camera to the Kodak Instamatic 101 I got you for Christmas last year- I even found a few flash cubes on E-Bay for that one!"
And when they are old enough, I know they'll respond:
"Dear Uncle John,
Thanks for another clunky piece of outdated plastic and metal for which I can't find film. It actually looks pretty nice on the shelf and is a good conversation piece during get-togethers. Fortunately I can take infinitely better photos with my phone than I could with these museum pieces even when they were new lol!"
Take a look at the facial expressions of each person in this cringey nothing of a commercial. It's so stilted and hokey- what's with the nods?* What's with the guy in the row behind the father and son eavesdropping on the grocery shopping? Is the game really that boring? And while we're at it, who the hell shops for groceries on their phone during a game that father probably spent $100 or more on tickets to get into in the first place?
Maybe this is grocery shopping. It sure isn't acting. It's just stupid. Maybe get some actual human beings for the next ad, and come up with some plausible scenario for the ordering of groceries.
Honey, I've got some information that you may not have made yourself aware of:
1. You are wife No. 3.
2. Wife No. 1 lasted for four years. Wife No. 2 lasted less than a single year. You may or may not be the first Mrs. Elba to see Year Five as Mrs. Elba.
3. Take a look at that house you are currently living in. Take a look at your husband's net worth. Remind yourself that you are a model who met Idris in a Moroccan jazz bar in 2017, two years before you became Wife No. 3. Please hang on to that last part- Number Three. You are Number Three.
4. You are seventeen years younger than your husband. You won a "Ms. Vancouver" Beauty Pageant, but that was waaaaay back in 2014. You know what I'm implying.
5. Do the math. Your husband is doing whatever the hell he wants to do. I suggest you uncross your arms and remove all calendars from that house as quickly as possible. Pack that attitude away, too. There are plenty of single models out there who won't bat an eye at multimillionaire movie stars who want to rid their kitchen of fruit flies.
I didn't think it was possible for a commercial to truly make me long for an early death, but this one comes pretty damn close, especially since it's showing up during every. Freaking. Ad Break. During every. Single. One. Of today's three-game NFL marathon on NFL Network.
Sometimes I wonder why the comments on ads are turned off. Sometimes I don't wonder at all. Guess which time this is? I mean, other than time to gouge my ears out.
I guess we boomers are supposed to have our nostalgia bone tickled by the sight of John Travolta (who may or may not be wearing fake padding under that coat) strutting around town to the Bee Gees while using a particular credit card to buy stuff because we are simultaneously supposed to believe it's Santa Claus AND Santa Claus is generating revenue despite giving away toys and never- according to all the canon we've ever been handed- actually handles money.
(I mean, seriously- what is Santa's credit score, and how did he acquire it? When did Santa buy a car or apply for a mortgage?)
In case the music and strutting didn't do it for us, well, we'll just have Travolta/Santa strut back to 1978 and walk into a disco that is not only inexplicably still operating, but is filled with customers, including a very sad looking Donna Pescow, who looks like she's been told what her paycheck for this appearance is compared to Travolta's- either that, or she's just wearing the same face she's had on since she found out that Angie wasn't going to be renewed for a third season. What's in your wallet, Donna? My guess is, not much.
