This iPhone 15 Commercial on an airplane makes negative sense

 

1.  I'm so sure that Lily not only flies coach, but books a middle seat.  Making her the only person on the planet with her net worth who not only flies coach, but books the middle seat.  This is something that totally happens in real life.  Pretty sure that if I had Lily's money and found myself in the middle seat, I'd bribe the person in the aisle to switch, but maybe that's just me?

2.  Lily is super helpful in providing advice for her thirsty fellow passenger- upon discovering that she's thirsty and can't even afford water,* Lily lets her know that she can get a great deal on an iPhone which by the way has titanium, which makes it an even bigger deal because titanium (in other words, Because Reasons.)  I'm assuming that when Poor Black Woman complains that she can't afford to buy a snack, Lily will chirp something about the great lease deals Lexus is offering through December.  Read the room, Lily. 

3.  Lily isn't going to buy headphones- she's just going to watch something on her iPhone.  She doesn't say "I brought my own headphones," she says "I'll just use my iPhone."  Meaning that not only does her seatmate go thirsty throughout the entire flight, but she'll have to listen to whatever the millionaire sitting next to her is watching on her iPhone which has titanium.  

*water is still free on every flight.  I've never even been on a flight that didn't offer free soda and juice.  I'm trying to wrap my head around a commercial for a ridiculously overpriced electronic status purchase that pretends that airlines are greedy.  I hope that the next time Lily flies she finds herself jammed between Tess Holiday and that 400-lb. lunatic who demands that every airline adopt a "Passenger of Size" policy. 

Suggestions for when to use your "Emergency Pizza"

 

1.  When years of eating non-emergency Domino's Pizza, Taco Bell and McDonald's finally catches up to you and you just need something to tide you over while you are waiting for the paramedics to respond to your 9-1-1 call.

2.  When people you don't like show up unexpectedly and are clearly not going to leave before you planned to have an actual dinner.  Serve them this and have a late meal after they've finally left. 

3.  When every pizza place on Earth except Domino's is closed, every grocery store has been wiped out by a plague, and you key broke off the tin of the 20-year old can of Spam in your cupboard.

4.  When it's December 31 and you've decided that your New Year's Resolution is to just say to hell with all of it, you've had enough. 

I guess it's better than putting the money into HerbaLife....

 

"Liberty Mutual saved me money on my car insurance, and I decided to use that money to avoid an actual job for a little while longer start a dog walking business."

"You might ask, what did you spend the money on?  Well, I went to VistaPrint and ordered a whole bunch of business cards advertising that I'm unemployed and not all that interested in getting an actual job that requires actual skills, so as long as I'm just hanging around at home anyway I might as well walk your dogs for a fee while you are out making a living doing something of value to society."

"You might also ask, 'well, why dog walking?'  Well, if this was the late-20th century the business I'd probably start would be babysitting a lot of kids at my home opening a daycare center, but that's really regulated these days and parents have become a lot more particular concerning who watches their kids- otherwise unemployable unskilled women just don't cut it as "early childhood education teachers" anymore.  I figure for at least a few more years Double Income Couples will still trust clueless wannabe boss babe slobs like me with their dogs, though."

"You might also think, 'what qualifies you to walk dogs?'  Well, as you can see from this commercial, absolutely nothing beyond my conviction that it should be easy, and I want an easy job where I get to call myself boss.  If you think that this is kind of sad because I look like I'm in my late-20s and I really ought to get my head out of my a$$ and start thinking about doing an actual job with a future and stop pretending I can run my own business that isn't Multi-Level Marketing, well, keep your opinion to yourself and leave me to my delusions dreams!"

I'm inspired by this Toyota Grandma Camera Commercial....

 

I don't have any grandchildren, so I'll have to emulate the actions of the grandma in this ad with my godchildren instead....

"Dear Milo and Iris, 

I am so happy to learn that you love taking pictures.  I will never forget how thrilled I was to finally get a Polaroid One-Step Land Camera with cutting edge technology like the Q-light flash and a faux-leather carrying case.   To encourage your passion, I am adding this camera to the Kodak Instamatic 101 I got you for Christmas last year- I even found a few flash cubes on E-Bay for that one!"

And when they are old enough, I know they'll respond:

"Dear Uncle John,

Thanks for another clunky piece of outdated plastic and metal for which I can't find film.  It actually looks pretty nice on the shelf and is a good conversation piece during get-togethers.  Fortunately I can take infinitely better photos with my phone than I could with these museum pieces even when they were new lol!"

I am the best godfather ever. 

Hey Instacart, how about adding a little life to your ads?

 

Take a look at the facial expressions of each person in this cringey nothing of a commercial.  It's so stilted and hokey- what's with the nods?*   What's with the guy in the row behind the father and son eavesdropping on the grocery shopping?  Is the game really that boring?  And while we're at it, who the hell shops for groceries on their phone during a game that father probably spent $100 or more on tickets to get into in the first place?

Maybe this is grocery shopping.  It sure isn't acting.  It's just stupid.  Maybe get some actual human beings for the next ad, and come up with some plausible scenario for the ordering of groceries.  

That Uber Eats "What are you doing" commercial featuring Idris Elba....

 

Honey, I've got some information that you may not have made yourself aware of:  

1.  You are wife No. 3.

2.  Wife No. 1 lasted for four years.  Wife No. 2 lasted less than a single year.  You may or may not be the first Mrs. Elba to see Year Five as Mrs. Elba.  

3.  Take a look at that house you are currently living in.  Take a look at your husband's net worth.  Remind yourself that you are a model who met Idris in a Moroccan jazz bar in 2017, two years before you became Wife No. 3.  Please hang on to that last part- Number Three.  You are Number Three. 

4.  You are seventeen years younger than your husband.  You won a "Ms. Vancouver"  Beauty Pageant, but that was waaaaay back in 2014.  You know what I'm implying.  

5.  Do the math.  Your husband is doing whatever the hell he wants to do.  I suggest you uncross your arms and remove all calendars from that house as quickly as possible.   Pack that attitude away, too.  There are plenty of single models out there who won't bat an eye at multimillionaire movie stars who want to rid their kitchen of fruit flies.  

Wow, Apple. Just....Wow.

 

I didn't think it was possible for a commercial to truly make me long for an early death, but this one comes pretty damn close, especially since it's showing up during every. Freaking. Ad Break.  During every. Single. One. Of today's three-game NFL marathon on NFL Network.  

Sometimes I wonder why the comments on ads are turned off.  Sometimes I don't wonder at all.  Guess which time this is?  I mean, other than time to gouge my ears out.