Oh for chrissakes, just tell this girl who is way too old to believe in Santa that there's no such thing as Santa and spare us any more of her cliche'd "kid voice" our eardrums have been pummeled with since what feels like Forever. I'd rather listen to a cat with it's tail caught in a mousetrap than any more of that awful "cutesy" bleating.
I'd also rather watch almost anything more than the adventures of rich spoiled idiots and their Wonderful Suburb Direct from a Hallmark Movie Lifestyle. But Lexus, Audi and BMW do their best to ruin our December with this tone-deaf trash every single year.
Actually, it just looks like a typical car ad, featuring self-centered, entitled jagoffs driving at dangerous speeds down urban streets while paying slight attention to what's in front of them because I'm Driving a Nissan Get Out of My Way.
("Raptor Bot?" That sounds pretty cool, actually. Not sure how chasing a truck is going to get you one, though. Is this how it works- trucks with the name of a toy on them are sure to be stuffed full of that toy? If that's the case, why didn't it stop at the store where it's sold out?)
No, "Fansville" isn't cursed. But we viewers sure are- cursed with an apparently endless parade of these brain cell-destroying, will-to-live-sucking Dr. Pepper ads whose charm- never in abundance- dried up several seasons ago. Some companies beat a cute idea into the ground. Dr. Pepper beats a cute idea into the ground, digs it back up, beats it again, quarters it, and sends the parts to the four corners of sanity to be nailed to road posts as warnings to us viewers to stop praying for the day that Fansville ads are finally banished from our tv sets. May that day come sooner rather than later.
1. I'm so sure that Lily not only flies coach, but books a middle seat. Making her the only person on the planet with her net worth who not only flies coach, but books the middle seat. This is something that totally happens in real life. Pretty sure that if I had Lily's money and found myself in the middle seat, I'd bribe the person in the aisle to switch, but maybe that's just me?
2. Lily is super helpful in providing advice for her thirsty fellow passenger- upon discovering that she's thirsty and can't even afford water,* Lily lets her know that she can get a great deal on an iPhone which by the way has titanium, which makes it an even bigger deal because titanium (in other words, Because Reasons.) I'm assuming that when Poor Black Woman complains that she can't afford to buy a snack, Lily will chirp something about the great lease deals Lexus is offering through December. Read the room, Lily.
3. Lily isn't going to buy headphones- she's just going to watch something on her iPhone. She doesn't say "I brought my own headphones," she says "I'll just use my iPhone." Meaning that not only does her seatmate go thirsty throughout the entire flight, but she'll have to listen to whatever the millionaire sitting next to her is watching on her iPhone which has titanium.
*water is still free on every flight. I've never even been on a flight that didn't offer free soda and juice. I'm trying to wrap my head around a commercial for a ridiculously overpriced electronic status purchase that pretends that airlines are greedy. I hope that the next time Lily flies she finds herself jammed between Tess Holiday and that 400-lb. lunatic who demands that every airline adopt a "Passenger of Size" policy.
1. When years of eating non-emergency Domino's Pizza, Taco Bell and McDonald's finally catches up to you and you just need something to tide you over while you are waiting for the paramedics to respond to your 9-1-1 call.
2. When people you don't like show up unexpectedly and are clearly not going to leave before you planned to have an actual dinner. Serve them this and have a late meal after they've finally left.
3. When every pizza place on Earth except Domino's is closed, every grocery store has been wiped out by a plague, and you key broke off the tin of the 20-year old can of Spam in your cupboard.
4. When it's December 31 and you've decided that your New Year's Resolution is to just say to hell with all of it, you've had enough.
"Liberty Mutual saved me money on my car insurance, and I decided to use that money to avoid an actual jobfor a little while longer start a dog walking business."
"You might ask, what did you spend the money on? Well, I went to VistaPrint and ordered a whole bunch of business cards advertising that I'm unemployed and not all that interested in getting an actual job that requires actual skills, so as long as I'm just hanging around at home anyway I might as well walk your dogs for a fee while you are out making a living doing something of value to society."
"You might also ask, 'well, why dog walking?' Well, if this was the late-20th century the business I'd probably start would be babysitting a lot of kids at my home opening a daycare center, but that's really regulated these days and parents have become a lot more particular concerning who watches their kids- otherwise unemployable unskilled women just don't cut it as "early childhood education teachers" anymore. I figure for at least a few more years Double Income Couples will still trust clueless wannabe boss babe slobs like me with their dogs, though."
"You might also think, 'what qualifies you to walk dogs?' Well, as you can see from this commercial, absolutely nothing beyond my conviction that it should be easy, and I want an easy job where I get to call myself boss. If you think that this is kind of sad because I look like I'm in my late-20s and I really ought to get my head out of my a$$ and start thinking about doing an actual job with a future and stop pretending I can run my own business that isn't Multi-Level Marketing, well, keep your opinion to yourself and leave me to my delusions dreams!"
I don't have any grandchildren, so I'll have to emulate the actions of the grandma in this ad with my godchildren instead....
"Dear Milo and Iris,
I am so happy to learn that you love taking pictures. I will never forget how thrilled I was to finally get a Polaroid One-Step Land Camera with cutting edge technology like the Q-light flash and a faux-leather carrying case. To encourage your passion, I am adding this camera to the Kodak Instamatic 101 I got you for Christmas last year- I even found a few flash cubes on E-Bay for that one!"
And when they are old enough, I know they'll respond:
"Dear Uncle John,
Thanks for another clunky piece of outdated plastic and metal for which I can't find film. It actually looks pretty nice on the shelf and is a good conversation piece during get-togethers. Fortunately I can take infinitely better photos with my phone than I could with these museum pieces even when they were new lol!"
Take a look at the facial expressions of each person in this cringey nothing of a commercial. It's so stilted and hokey- what's with the nods?* What's with the guy in the row behind the father and son eavesdropping on the grocery shopping? Is the game really that boring? And while we're at it, who the hell shops for groceries on their phone during a game that father probably spent $100 or more on tickets to get into in the first place?
Maybe this is grocery shopping. It sure isn't acting. It's just stupid. Maybe get some actual human beings for the next ad, and come up with some plausible scenario for the ordering of groceries.
