I just needed a 15th Anniversary Commercial, and this one has a song, so....

 

'twas fifteen years ago

I started on my quest

to watch a lot of tv ads

I gave myself no rest

I had to find out for myself

if anyone shared my thought

that 99 percent of all the spots

were giving us all brain rot

I figured in a while

I'd run out of spots to mock

of commercials that just made me ill

and suffer from writer's block

but slowly it started to dawn on me

that no matter how long I waited

the ads, they just got worse and worse

the pain, it never abated

in fact, as hard as it was to believe

the stench it only got stronger

as the decade closed my sanity took its leave

or surely would not last much longer

Well, today it's been fifteen years 

and now I've accepted my fate

with burning eyes and bleeding ears

I know its now too late

to start a blog starring the cats 

(which in fact I don't live with me)

or recipes for food I don't cook

or political commentary

So here's to another fifteen years

with Fansville, Lilly and Flo

with Peyton and Pat Mahomes

raking in the dough

with Jamie Foxx and Kevin Hart

selling you a dream

they make gambling look so much fun

it makes me want to scream

and Auld Lang Syne to FTX

and scams that came before

they've been replaced but not forgot

by the newly christened poor

there won't be another fifteen years

(It isn't me who'll go)

as commercial tv joins the heap

with print news and radio. 

All this being said- today really is the 15th Anniversary of this blog.  Thanks for reading, please subscribe if you really enjoy it!

Is FedEx clueless, or is it just me?

 

So in the modern era, when schools put on plays they just order a bunch of premade costumes from some Amazon site?  And if the costumes don't show up, the play is ruined, so thank goodness for FedEx because they'll get replacement costumes to the school in a hurry?

I'm pretty sure that when schools put on productions in the past, part of the production included- well, producing the costumes.  At this age, the kids- with a lot of help from their parents- would make the costumes.  In High School productions (at least, the ones organized by our school) a group of artistic kids are responsible for costume and set design and construction.  What else is pre-purchased for kiddie productions these days?  Are the backgrounds prefab too?  Are the scripts produced by some company in California, or an AI program, or what?

Or do the makers of this commercial just have no idea how these things work?  

SOMEONE took Nyquil....

 

...but it clearly wasn't the woman in this ad, because the bottle is still completely full* at the end of the commercial.  Maybe she thinks that just looking at it helps relieve her of her cold symptoms.  Or being reminded of who she's married to is the best sleep aid imaginable?

Maybe the guy who filmed this off his tv is the guy who consumed Nyquil.  He doesn't have the steadiest hand I've ever seen.  Then again, we're talking about a guy who was inspired to film- um, THIS- off his tv set, so....you doin' ok, buddy?

*which makes Nyquil the KFC bucket of cold medications- always being consumed, never less than 100 percent full.  Very odd. 

23andMe and a shallow search for meaning with obvious potential pitfalls

 

"I wonder, was it that makes me who I am?  Is it genetics, nature or nurture...."

Well, I can't tell you what makes you you, lady, but I can tell you what doesn't:  your genetics.  Personally, I think that what makes "you" you is what you do, not what your bloodline reveals about your ancestors.  Who you are related to, what part of the world your family "originated" from (come on, we all originated from the great rift valley in East-Central Africa) etc....none of this will compensate for a life you don't feel you adequately contributed to with your own actions.  Being related to someone important doesn't make you important.  Get over yourself.

Also- so many of these ads highlight relatives "finding each other" and "strengthening family bonds."  But I'd like to see at least ONE that features two people who THOUGHT that they were full siblings but discover through DNA testing that mom was having a little fun on the side which finally helps explain why they look so different.  Surely SNL has done a sketch with this theme but because I haven't watched the show in decades I've missed it?  Don't tell me that these tests have every bit as much potential to fray family ties as they do to strengthen them.  

But getting back to the woman in this ad- if you are looking for the meaning of your life in a vial of spit, well, I don't mean to be overly harsh, but you've done very little with that life and you know it. Encourage your kids to do better.

This little girl is the dark cloud in what is otherwise a Silver Lining kind of life in this BMW commercial

 

Oh for chrissakes, just tell this girl who is way too old to believe in Santa that there's no such thing as Santa and spare us any more of her cliche'd "kid voice" our eardrums have been pummeled with since what feels like Forever.  I'd rather listen to a cat with it's tail caught in a mousetrap than any more of that awful "cutesy" bleating.  

I'd also rather watch almost anything more than the adventures of rich spoiled idiots and their Wonderful Suburb Direct from a Hallmark Movie Lifestyle.  But Lexus, Audi and BMW do their best to ruin our December with this tone-deaf trash every single year. 

It's a Commercial Curmudgeon 2-for-1 deal. Merry Christmas!

 

Actually, it just looks like a typical car ad, featuring self-centered, entitled jagoffs driving at dangerous speeds down urban streets while paying slight attention to what's in front of them because I'm Driving a Nissan Get Out of My Way. 

("Raptor Bot?" That sounds pretty cool, actually.  Not sure how chasing a truck is going to get you one, though.  Is this how it works- trucks with the name of a toy on them are sure to be stuffed full of that toy?  If that's the case, why didn't it stop at the store where it's sold out?)

No, "Fansville" isn't cursed.  But we viewers sure are- cursed with an apparently endless parade of these brain cell-destroying, will-to-live-sucking Dr. Pepper ads whose charm- never in abundance- dried up several seasons ago.  Some companies beat a cute idea into the ground.  Dr. Pepper beats a cute idea into the ground, digs it back up, beats it again, quarters it, and sends the parts to the four corners of sanity to be nailed to road posts as warnings to us viewers to stop praying for the day that Fansville ads are finally banished from our tv sets.  May that day come sooner rather than later.  

This iPhone 15 Commercial on an airplane makes negative sense

 

1.  I'm so sure that Lily not only flies coach, but books a middle seat.  Making her the only person on the planet with her net worth who not only flies coach, but books the middle seat.  This is something that totally happens in real life.  Pretty sure that if I had Lily's money and found myself in the middle seat, I'd bribe the person in the aisle to switch, but maybe that's just me?

2.  Lily is super helpful in providing advice for her thirsty fellow passenger- upon discovering that she's thirsty and can't even afford water,* Lily lets her know that she can get a great deal on an iPhone which by the way has titanium, which makes it an even bigger deal because titanium (in other words, Because Reasons.)  I'm assuming that when Poor Black Woman complains that she can't afford to buy a snack, Lily will chirp something about the great lease deals Lexus is offering through December.  Read the room, Lily. 

3.  Lily isn't going to buy headphones- she's just going to watch something on her iPhone.  She doesn't say "I brought my own headphones," she says "I'll just use my iPhone."  Meaning that not only does her seatmate go thirsty throughout the entire flight, but she'll have to listen to whatever the millionaire sitting next to her is watching on her iPhone which has titanium.  

*water is still free on every flight.  I've never even been on a flight that didn't offer free soda and juice.  I'm trying to wrap my head around a commercial for a ridiculously overpriced electronic status purchase that pretends that airlines are greedy.  I hope that the next time Lily flies she finds herself jammed between Tess Holiday and that 400-lb. lunatic who demands that every airline adopt a "Passenger of Size" policy.