Taco Bell, and a simple but vital New Year's Resolution for 2024

 

We don't say that people "crave" cigarettes anymore; we've universally agreed that cigarettes are addictive.

We don't say that people "crave" alcohol anymore; we've come to understand that alcohol is addictive.

Let's do something for ourselves in 2024:  Let's stop using the word "crave" when describing the desire of millions of Americans to consume ultra-processed fat, carb and grease-infused life-shortening junk on a regular basis.  Let's start being more honest- and accurate- and call a spade a spade.  Americans pump 700 billion dollars a year into the Fast "Food" industry not because of low prices (the prices aren't low) and not because of quality food (the only quality here is Low.)  It's not because of convenience ("we work so hard, who has time to cook?") and it's not because of ignorance (if you don't know what this sludge does to your arteries, you've gone out of your way to avoid the science.)  

No, it's because the industry has invested billions in experimentation to turn the population of the world's richest nation into the fattest and unhealthiest people on the planet by getting us hooked on dopamine-releasing poison wrapped in packages which are attractive, easy to hold, quickly digestible and properly devoid of actual nutrition, assuring that we'll be back for more before we know it.  

It's not "craving."  What you hear isn't "food noise."  It isn't "hey, this is your body- we need to eat before our next scheduled meal."  It's ADDICTION.  "Intuitive Eating" is a nice, quaint idea that was possible when our diets consisted of food with few ingredients, all of them natural.  It doesn't work when most of what we eat are chemicals designed to force us back for another Hit again and again and again until we are cruising around on mobility scooters, with plastic oxygen tubes jammed up our noses, wondering if our shoes are untied (or if we are even wearing them.)

It's bad enough that Taco Bell keeps hitting us with these seizure-inducing ads showing young people having the grandest of times shoving Diabetes Helper into their stupid faces- yeah, it's amazing what young people can get away with eating- for the time being.  It's even worse that they are constantly peddling these "cravings boxes" like the sleazy guy on the corner offering a deep discount on his heroin, knowing that a steady customer is worth the bargain and at any rate you've got to soak him for everything he's got while he's still young- because he ain't getting old.  Not on the stuff you are pushing to satisfy those "cravings."  But then, you aren't concerned with your customers getting old- as long as they live long enough to pass their HABIT on to the next generation.  And judging from what I see in the world outside my house, you are accomplishing this goal only too well.  

I just needed a 15th Anniversary Commercial, and this one has a song, so....

 

'twas fifteen years ago

I started on my quest

to watch a lot of tv ads

I gave myself no rest

I had to find out for myself

if anyone shared my thought

that 99 percent of all the spots

were giving us all brain rot

I figured in a while

I'd run out of spots to mock

of commercials that just made me ill

and suffer from writer's block

but slowly it started to dawn on me

that no matter how long I waited

the ads, they just got worse and worse

the pain, it never abated

in fact, as hard as it was to believe

the stench it only got stronger

as the decade closed my sanity took its leave

or surely would not last much longer

Well, today it's been fifteen years 

and now I've accepted my fate

with burning eyes and bleeding ears

I know its now too late

to start a blog starring the cats 

(which in fact I don't live with me)

or recipes for food I don't cook

or political commentary

So here's to another fifteen years

with Fansville, Lilly and Flo

with Peyton and Pat Mahomes

raking in the dough

with Jamie Foxx and Kevin Hart

selling you a dream

they make gambling look so much fun

it makes me want to scream

and Auld Lang Syne to FTX

and scams that came before

they've been replaced but not forgot

by the newly christened poor

there won't be another fifteen years

(It isn't me who'll go)

as commercial tv joins the heap

with print news and radio. 

All this being said- today really is the 15th Anniversary of this blog.  Thanks for reading, please subscribe if you really enjoy it!

Is FedEx clueless, or is it just me?

 

So in the modern era, when schools put on plays they just order a bunch of premade costumes from some Amazon site?  And if the costumes don't show up, the play is ruined, so thank goodness for FedEx because they'll get replacement costumes to the school in a hurry?

I'm pretty sure that when schools put on productions in the past, part of the production included- well, producing the costumes.  At this age, the kids- with a lot of help from their parents- would make the costumes.  In High School productions (at least, the ones organized by our school) a group of artistic kids are responsible for costume and set design and construction.  What else is pre-purchased for kiddie productions these days?  Are the backgrounds prefab too?  Are the scripts produced by some company in California, or an AI program, or what?

Or do the makers of this commercial just have no idea how these things work?  

SOMEONE took Nyquil....

 

...but it clearly wasn't the woman in this ad, because the bottle is still completely full* at the end of the commercial.  Maybe she thinks that just looking at it helps relieve her of her cold symptoms.  Or being reminded of who she's married to is the best sleep aid imaginable?

Maybe the guy who filmed this off his tv is the guy who consumed Nyquil.  He doesn't have the steadiest hand I've ever seen.  Then again, we're talking about a guy who was inspired to film- um, THIS- off his tv set, so....you doin' ok, buddy?

*which makes Nyquil the KFC bucket of cold medications- always being consumed, never less than 100 percent full.  Very odd. 

23andMe and a shallow search for meaning with obvious potential pitfalls

 

"I wonder, was it that makes me who I am?  Is it genetics, nature or nurture...."

Well, I can't tell you what makes you you, lady, but I can tell you what doesn't:  your genetics.  Personally, I think that what makes "you" you is what you do, not what your bloodline reveals about your ancestors.  Who you are related to, what part of the world your family "originated" from (come on, we all originated from the great rift valley in East-Central Africa) etc....none of this will compensate for a life you don't feel you adequately contributed to with your own actions.  Being related to someone important doesn't make you important.  Get over yourself.

Also- so many of these ads highlight relatives "finding each other" and "strengthening family bonds."  But I'd like to see at least ONE that features two people who THOUGHT that they were full siblings but discover through DNA testing that mom was having a little fun on the side which finally helps explain why they look so different.  Surely SNL has done a sketch with this theme but because I haven't watched the show in decades I've missed it?  Don't tell me that these tests have every bit as much potential to fray family ties as they do to strengthen them.  

But getting back to the woman in this ad- if you are looking for the meaning of your life in a vial of spit, well, I don't mean to be overly harsh, but you've done very little with that life and you know it. Encourage your kids to do better.

This little girl is the dark cloud in what is otherwise a Silver Lining kind of life in this BMW commercial

 

Oh for chrissakes, just tell this girl who is way too old to believe in Santa that there's no such thing as Santa and spare us any more of her cliche'd "kid voice" our eardrums have been pummeled with since what feels like Forever.  I'd rather listen to a cat with it's tail caught in a mousetrap than any more of that awful "cutesy" bleating.  

I'd also rather watch almost anything more than the adventures of rich spoiled idiots and their Wonderful Suburb Direct from a Hallmark Movie Lifestyle.  But Lexus, Audi and BMW do their best to ruin our December with this tone-deaf trash every single year. 

It's a Commercial Curmudgeon 2-for-1 deal. Merry Christmas!

 

Actually, it just looks like a typical car ad, featuring self-centered, entitled jagoffs driving at dangerous speeds down urban streets while paying slight attention to what's in front of them because I'm Driving a Nissan Get Out of My Way. 

("Raptor Bot?" That sounds pretty cool, actually.  Not sure how chasing a truck is going to get you one, though.  Is this how it works- trucks with the name of a toy on them are sure to be stuffed full of that toy?  If that's the case, why didn't it stop at the store where it's sold out?)

No, "Fansville" isn't cursed.  But we viewers sure are- cursed with an apparently endless parade of these brain cell-destroying, will-to-live-sucking Dr. Pepper ads whose charm- never in abundance- dried up several seasons ago.  Some companies beat a cute idea into the ground.  Dr. Pepper beats a cute idea into the ground, digs it back up, beats it again, quarters it, and sends the parts to the four corners of sanity to be nailed to road posts as warnings to us viewers to stop praying for the day that Fansville ads are finally banished from our tv sets.  May that day come sooner rather than later.