The return of the Geico Caveman is so disjointed and confusing, I hardly know where to start...

 

Twenty-five years ago, we were treated to/tortured by a series of inane commercials about a caveman- and then a group of cavemen, because no stupid idea goes unbeaten into the ground in TV Ad Land- who got upset because they felt that Geico was being, um, racist or something in suggesting that cavemen can only do very easy things.  I guess that because it's now 2024, this current caveman- who I must say looks pretty good for a guy whose species only had a life expectancy of about 40 years- should not be referred to as "upset," but rather "triggered" or "traumatized" by a reminder that a quarter of a freaking century ago people who shared his, um, ethnicity(?) were treated like they were blacks in 1920s ad campaigns or women in 1950s ad campaigns.

But the "caveman" in this ad really shows his modern sensibilities by demonstrating that he is determined to take offense at Geico no matter what the insurance company does with his, um, heritage.  This guy didn't want to be associated with an ad campaign back during the Clinton Administration, but now he's peeved that a lizard is "getting credit" for being more "iconic" than he is?  So Geico is damned if they do, damned if they don't?  Someone at Geico's ad agency has been watching Tiktok and has a very strong and very accurate handle on current social media.  

I'll play along and ask what this woman sees in her caveman husband/boyfriend; he's a senior citizen for his species but he's still acting like a butthurt snowflake who is angry when he gets attention and angry when he doesn't.  And when I say "I'm asking," I'm speaking rhetorically; no, I don't really want to know, I don't want a series of commercials fleshing this out (I'm going to get them anyway, because the world hates me) and I'm pretty sure nobody wants a caveman tv show any more than we wanted one in the late-90s.  Remember that ill-conceived steaming pile of dung?  Geico hopes you don't, but just enjoy having your 1990s nostalgia bone tickled by the return of of something nobody missed. 

Applebee's Shows Zero R-E-S-P-E-C-T

 

Never a fan of Ms. Franklin or this song, but I know she has millions of fans who must be suffering terminal cringe a commercial using her signature piece to sell cheap, fatty fried garbage drizzled with sugar from the restaurant you bring grandma to because it's a small step up from Golden Corral, which is itself a small step up from Burger King.   Playing during every freaking commercial break of every NFL playoff game this weekend. 

Nobody cares if a pharmaceutical company wants to use Pilot's Magic song, because nobody remembers that song, and nobody liked it when it was on the radio fifty years ago.  This is a bit different, don't you think?

Dairy Queen asks too much of my ability to suspend disbelief

 

I don't know about you, but I'M not buying the concept of fried potatoes AND fried onions AND fried chicken paste on one plate.  Maybe such a thing exists in heaven, or Shangri-La, or some other imaginary place, but not on Earth and certainly not in America.  

Call me an empiricist, but I'll believe in a thing when I see it.  I know that anything can be created with CGI these days.  Nice try, Dairy Queen, but I don't believe you or anyone else is serving up such a unique combination until I can find a Dairy Queen myself- and it's not going to be good enough to see it on the menu.  I want to see it on a plate or in a basket, or I'm not buying it (I'm not buying it anyway, since I'd like to live to a ripe old age, but you know what I mean.)

National Debt Relief. Yes, here comes another Boomer Rant...

 

"Being debt is such a struggle..." Actually, being in debt is very, very easy- so easy, in fact, that most Americans have found themselves in exactly that situation with little or no effort at all.  It just requires spending more than what you have.  It can be made more fun by complaining about it and pretending that its someone else's fault ("Society" and "The Economy" are the main go-to's in this regard, just a free tip there) but that's not necessary unless you want to be one of the whiny* entitled idiots featured in a Debt Relief Commercial.

Here's what's hard- living within your means.  Unless you've got family to sponge off of, or know how to fill out all those forms to let the government take care of you, or you are one of these people and are just going to keep widening that gap between what you earn and what you spend, you are going to have to Do Without until you can increase the money coming in until it exceeds the money going out.  Amazingly, there is no end to the number of people perfectly willing to be sponges.  What they lack in initiative and energy they make up with an overabundance of entitlement and finger-pointing.  

Know who pays for debt relief?  People who don't use it.  We get higher interest rates because the credit card companies that cut deals with scofflaws aren't going to swallow the loss all by themselves.  And know what lesson is learned through debt relief?  That debt is no big deal and Someone Else will take care of it when it seems out of control- which only happens when Big Mean Banks stop offering credit.  What a great lesson for today.

*Actually, I'd appreciate it if these guys were a little more whiny and less chirpy and happy about getting some company to negotiate a write-off of thousands of dollars of debt that they never suggest is anything but 100 percent legitimate.  Even the smallest acknowledgement that the problem was self-inflicted and something to avoid, instead of the "I got divorced, I'm a single mom, I got sick, Things HappenTM" drivel, would make me a LITTLE sympathetic.  Instead, you get the sense that these people haven't learned a damn thing and will be back calling for "Debt Relief" inside of two years.  And absolutely positive that they "deserve it." 

Oh Oh Oh Ozempic is the gift that just keeps giving

 

"Ozempic can be used to prevent high blood sugar, which can result in serious heart ailments.  It also can help some patients lose weight."

Prospective patient:  "How much weight?"

"Um...patients on Ozempic have reported losing ten percent or more of their body weight. It also helps prevent Type 2 Diabetes, which has been connected to an increased risk of strokes and heart attacks..."

PP:  "What if I take a double dose every week?  Can I lose more weight?"

"OD'ing on Ozempic is not recommended.  Did I mention that taking Ozempic can lower the damage caused by hormonally active adipose tissue, which decreases mobility and may lead to serious issues like hardened arteries?"

PP:  "So how do I get a prescription for Ozempic?"

"Ask your doctor if Ozempic is right for you."

PP:  "It's right for me.  I am fat.  So I just tell my doctor to prescribe Ozempic and if he refuses- or even hesitates- do a little doctor-shopping until I find one more enlightened to the benefits of Ozempic, right?"

"Um...yeah, I guess.  It's a great drug for treating Type 2 Diabetes..."

PP:  "I don't know that that diababies thing is, but I want to look cut this summer.  I'm getting Ozempic."

"Yeah, I hear that a lot.  Not really sure why our commercials even mention the other stuff.  After all, if Americans were concerned about strokes and diabetes, we wouldn't be on"e of the fattest nations on the planet in the first place...."

PP:  "Hey, that's mean.  It's mostly genetic!"

"Are you actually eating Taco Bell right now?"

PP:   I have to nourish my body!!  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to tell my doctor to put me on Ozempic- I mean, I'm off to ask my doctor about Ozempic." 

The US Postal Service goes Everywhere...well, Eventually...

 

Maybe, sort of?

Three items I ordered last month to be delivered to Vermont have been "out for delivery" every day for the past week- always expected by 9 PM until 9 PM comes and goes, and then listed as "delayed" due to a "weather emergency."  Amazon is Truly Very Sorry for the delay, and the items are Now Expected to arrive Tomorrow.  Until tomorrow, that is.

Meanwhile, items being shipped through UPS and FedEx - ordered AFTER the items being shipped by the good old US Postal "Service"- have arrived in Vermont despite the "weather emergency" which consisted of a few inches of snow which were quickly removed by plows.  The address has received mail three of the past ten days, none of it in the form of packages.  Apparently the "weather emergency" was bad enough to prevent Postal "Service" trucks from reaching my mother's house in a rural part of the state- but not bad enough for the UPS and FedEx trucks.  Which company claims to go anywhere and used to use that "through rain or snow or sleet" mantra again?

The items in the "care" of the United States Postal "Service" have been sitting in the local Post Office for more than a week now, waiting for the "weather emergency" that is not preventing anyone else from traveling anywhere to subside, I guess. If I head back South before they show up, I guess I can wave to the building they are being held in as I pass.  

Some friendly advice to "ensure a fit life" that doesn't involve usury....

Yes, I will be playing the role of Boomer Scold here....

On the Physical Fitness Side:  Maybe spend less time sitting in one place pretending to be Getting in Touch with Yourself/Embracing your Inner Calmness/ Insert Even More Twee BS Here and more time doing cardio and lifting weights?  I mean, being calm is a good thing, but all that sitting isn't doing a damn thing to strengthen your heart and lungs, and it's actually encouraging the development of hormonally active excess adipose tissue which will, if allowed to grow, will wreck havoc on that Mood you are trying to improve.  As the young people say, get off your butt, go outside, and touch some grass.

On the Financial Fitness Side:  Maybe stop spending money recklessly, pay all your bills on-time, use credit only in emergencies and live within your means instead of relying on high-interest unsecured loans just because they are only a tap on your overpriced phone (which is part of the reason you have money problems, you moron.)  It's amazing how easy it is to get a low-cost loan when you have a good credit score.  It's amazing how easy it is to keep a good credit score when you break your addiction to spending and stop looking for a way to get Peter to pay Paul.  

In both cases, the first step is to stand up, get off your phone, and get to work.  Start by Adulting.  

Ok, Boomer Scolding over.  For now.