Remember the fat-free chips frenzy? More fun from the archives of old commercials that didn't age well

 

No, you aren't watching a commercial produced by the Re-Elect Ronald Reagan campaign of 1984, though if you only watch the first minute and a half or so you'd be forgiven for thinking you were.   Instead, this is an ad for one of the most misbegotten products to come out of the first decade of the post Cold War world- a soybean-based oil that could be used to produce fat-free potato chips like Olean and Lay's Wow.

Remember those?  Well, if you were alive and in the United States in 1998, you probably at least tried them once or twice.  They were a very popular go-to for people conned into believing that scientists had stopped wasting time trying to cure cancer (or AIDS) and had done something truly valuable with their time- found a way to allow us to stuff ourselves with cheap, salty, crispy snacks to our - well, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to say "heart's content" here, so I'll more accurately type "to our dopamine center's content."  

Most of us thought the flavor was just "bleh" and went right back to eating good old vegetable oil-crisped chips, as G-d Intended.  But some people were so desperate to avoid eating right and exercise and above all Moderation that they ignored the off-putting taste and continued to chow down on these crimes against nature.  Maybe they thought  diet of Olean chips and Snackwell's cookies would give them Kathy Ireland's body- and back then, pretty much all of us wanted Kathy Ireland's body for one reason or another.  

Then we realized that this Frankenstein's Monster Oil was wrecking havoc on our gut microbiome and our digestion or, more likely, way too many of just didn't like the taste, and these fat-free chips vanished from the market.  

A quarter of a century later, the obesity epidemic that was in it's infancy in the late 1990s has become American's No. 1 health problem, because while Snackwell's themselves didn't pan out (they didn't taste very good) the concept that created them- replace fat with sugar to con people into thinking it's more healthy- is alive and well and actually stronger than ever in the American marketplace.  I imagine it's only a matter of time before another "miracle" oil is invented* that tricks millions of gullible, desperate Westerners into slapping down the money they don't have for fresh fruits and veggies, healthy fats and a gym membership for that magic pill.

*there actually is a fat-free frying oil already available out there.  It even predates olestra.  It's called hot air.  

From the archives of Ads That Didn't Age Well: Remember Snackwell Cookies?

 

These cookies were a product of the insane 1990s trend of stripping fat from snack foods and replacing it with something about 200 times more addictive and deadly- sugar.  So there is something especially disturbing about ads featuring crowds of fat women frantically hounding a company for more of that sweet, sweet sugar they think they can consume unlimited amounts of because, after all, it's non-fat.  

Thankfully the no-fat craze died a fairly quick death.  Unfortunately, it was not quick enough to prevent millions from becoming addicted to sugar and low-or-no fat, high sugar "healthy" products like yogurt and cereal and granola bars.  The women in these ads are fat- by 1990s standards.  They are slightly overweight by modern standards.  Snackwells are gone, but the problem they helped create is the No. 1 health issue in the Western World.  Thanks for nothing, American Snack Food Industry. 

Progressive's "Don't Become Your Parents" commercials are ageist trash

 

Notice that none of these commercials make fun of actual Senior Citizens,  I suspect because that would not sit well with the audience.  Fortunately for Progressive, making fun of middle-aged people- especially middle-aged white men- is perfectly fine because I guess it's seen as a form of punching up.  And the viewer is just supposed to ignore the fact that values usually associated with The Greatest Generation are constantly being assigned to Boomers.  

For example, we see several of these ads featuring Funny Stupid Fifty-somethings incapable of using a Smart Phone properly- never mind that middle class fifty-somethings have owned Smart Phones since they were in their thirties.  Were they clueless about the tech then?  Is there some reason why they were unable to adapt to updated tech along with their younger fellow Smart Phone owners?  Give me a break. 

We also see a lot of other behavior typical of people who grew up in small towns in the 1930s and 40s being attributed to people born in the 1960s and 1970s- introducing yourself to the waiter, or saving butter containers for leftovers, etc. etc. etc.  I'm sixty years old- I don't save plastic containers for leftovers and I've never introduced myself to my waiter.  Then again, I know how to take a selfie, so I guess I'm an outlier....?

And here's another thing- all those clueless middle aged people Progressive is talking about seem to have nice homes, obtained through decades of hard work and savings- but instead of being admired for their hard work, diligence and frugality, they are being subjected to what looks for all the world like Re-Education Processing because they "don't understand" how the world of their grandchildren - who, again, are using the same tech they have been using since they were in their thirties- are using.  

In short, Progressive, maybe you could stop pretending that people around my age are stumbling around a world they don't understand clinging to silly values that have no relevance in today's Superior Younger Culture and just admit that you want to make fun of people who have been on Social Security for at least a decade.  Consumer Cellular does it all the time; I don't know why you are being so reticent.  

Dr. Pepper's "Fansville" campaign has run out of ideas. So it will hang around for a few more years, of course.

 

Some jokes get stale and are thrown away.  Some are beaten to death.  Some are beaten to death, cremated, and then rise like a pigeon from the ashes (see the Geico Caveman.)

And then there are jokes like Dr. Pepper's "Fansville" ad campaign, which is entering it's sixth "season" (I believe the current title of the campaign is Ruining Your Football Viewing Experience Since 2018.)  The series that redefines the term "played" and necessitates me writing GO AWAY NOW in all-caps (the Mensa Squad from the Wendy's commercial will arrive at this level of played in 2024.)

Please, Dr.  Pepper.  ENOUGH ALREADY.  Yes, there will always be YouTube commentators who are willing to post how Hi-LARIOUS they find all this, but come on- those people like everything except finding things to do that don't involve watching tv or being online.  They should not count.  ENOUGH ALREADY.

The return of the Geico Caveman is so disjointed and confusing, I hardly know where to start...

 

Twenty-five years ago, we were treated to/tortured by a series of inane commercials about a caveman- and then a group of cavemen, because no stupid idea goes unbeaten into the ground in TV Ad Land- who got upset because they felt that Geico was being, um, racist or something in suggesting that cavemen can only do very easy things.  I guess that because it's now 2024, this current caveman- who I must say looks pretty good for a guy whose species only had a life expectancy of about 40 years- should not be referred to as "upset," but rather "triggered" or "traumatized" by a reminder that a quarter of a freaking century ago people who shared his, um, ethnicity(?) were treated like they were blacks in 1920s ad campaigns or women in 1950s ad campaigns.

But the "caveman" in this ad really shows his modern sensibilities by demonstrating that he is determined to take offense at Geico no matter what the insurance company does with his, um, heritage.  This guy didn't want to be associated with an ad campaign back during the Clinton Administration, but now he's peeved that a lizard is "getting credit" for being more "iconic" than he is?  So Geico is damned if they do, damned if they don't?  Someone at Geico's ad agency has been watching Tiktok and has a very strong and very accurate handle on current social media.  

I'll play along and ask what this woman sees in her caveman husband/boyfriend; he's a senior citizen for his species but he's still acting like a butthurt snowflake who is angry when he gets attention and angry when he doesn't.  And when I say "I'm asking," I'm speaking rhetorically; no, I don't really want to know, I don't want a series of commercials fleshing this out (I'm going to get them anyway, because the world hates me) and I'm pretty sure nobody wants a caveman tv show any more than we wanted one in the late-90s.  Remember that ill-conceived steaming pile of dung?  Geico hopes you don't, but just enjoy having your 1990s nostalgia bone tickled by the return of of something nobody missed. 

Applebee's Shows Zero R-E-S-P-E-C-T

 

Never a fan of Ms. Franklin or this song, but I know she has millions of fans who must be suffering terminal cringe a commercial using her signature piece to sell cheap, fatty fried garbage drizzled with sugar from the restaurant you bring grandma to because it's a small step up from Golden Corral, which is itself a small step up from Burger King.   Playing during every freaking commercial break of every NFL playoff game this weekend. 

Nobody cares if a pharmaceutical company wants to use Pilot's Magic song, because nobody remembers that song, and nobody liked it when it was on the radio fifty years ago.  This is a bit different, don't you think?

Dairy Queen asks too much of my ability to suspend disbelief

 

I don't know about you, but I'M not buying the concept of fried potatoes AND fried onions AND fried chicken paste on one plate.  Maybe such a thing exists in heaven, or Shangri-La, or some other imaginary place, but not on Earth and certainly not in America.  

Call me an empiricist, but I'll believe in a thing when I see it.  I know that anything can be created with CGI these days.  Nice try, Dairy Queen, but I don't believe you or anyone else is serving up such a unique combination until I can find a Dairy Queen myself- and it's not going to be good enough to see it on the menu.  I want to see it on a plate or in a basket, or I'm not buying it (I'm not buying it anyway, since I'd like to live to a ripe old age, but you know what I mean.)