State Farm, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the ultimate* one-joke Super Bowl Commercial

 

Arnold Schwarzenegger pronounces the word "neighbor" differently from most people currently living in the United States.  He doesn't pronounce it "wrong," he pronounces it differently.

Isn't that hilarious?  Well, it better be- because it's a "joke" that has to carry this overproduced mess of a commercial for an entire sixty seconds.  No kidding- this doesn't get strung out for ten seconds, or even twenty.  We are supposed to find this amusing for sixty seconds.  

Oh and here's Danny DeVito, because he costarred with Schwarzenegger in an overrated comedy during the Bush Administration.  The FIRST one.  So it's funny.  See how that works?

*to be fair, it's really hard to pick which Superbowl commercial is the "ultimate" in beating a single joke to death.  One Joke Stretched out Way Past It's Amusing Point is the common thread connecting pretty much all Superbowl ads.  This is true for primarily two reasons:  First, the ad agency has been handed a lot of money and is obligated to do something impressive with it that also fills every second of the paid-for time.  Second, the ad agency hasn't the slightest clue how to go about filling that time.  They can't do grandmas chasing a bag of State Farm Insurance, and eTrade is already using disgusting CGI-aided toddlers.  So it's Schwarzenegger, DeVito, one stupid joke repeated multiple times, and crossed fingers that 1980s nostalgia comes to the rescue again.

That RFKjr. Superbowl Ad Really Inspired Me!

 

If you want a man for President

Who's just a total loon

with takes on vax and other things 

to make Q-anoners swoon

A man who's like a warped guitar

forever out of tune

it's up to you 

it's up to you

it's strictly up to you....

If you want a man for President

who's slim and fit and tall

a man who doesn't have a clue

and nothing on the ball

sure he's a conspiracy freak and nut

(but Trump once won after all!)

it's up to you

it's up to you

it's strictly up to you... 

If you want a man for President

who isn't Just the Same

a man who's very much like Trump

but even more insane

A man who isn't much at all 

but check out that last name!

it's up to you 

it's up to you

it's strictly up to you....

That Stupid Superbowl Doritos Ad....

 

Oh my god if I had a dime for every commercial that featured

1.  Overly aggressive senior citizens who I guess are supposed to be hi-LARIOUS because they are overly aggressive senior citizens,

2.  several changes in location suggesting a significant investment and production labor to beat a joke older than the senior citizens into the ground, and

3.  a wild chase to obtain Absolutely Nothing of Value Except It's the Last One on the Shelf (that schtick has so much mold on it it can probably cure every case of strep throat in 2024.)

Since nobody is going to make me rich by giving me those dimes, I'll just offer my take to the makers of Doritos:  We know you spent millions getting scientists to design your chips to be as addictive as possible- maybe showing senior citizens willing to kill themselves- and kill others- to get them isn't the best idea for an ad campaign.  But It's no less than I'd expect from a company determined to cash in on the obesity epidemic (or is it now Pandemic?)

Transfixed on one second of this McDonald's Hamburgler-is-back commercial....

 

It's at the 21 second mark.  In the background, we see the blurry image of a single person who has both hands on the table and is staring down at her tray.

What is going on there?  Is she experiencing an epiphany- "oh my god, I am sitting here all by myself at McDonald's,  about to eat greasy, salty junk again?  What has gone wrong with my life?"

"Why am I sitting here with this food?  Why didn't I do what I usually do- use the drive-thru, then pull over to a parking space, consume my bag of overpriced trash, and then have a good cry, like I usually do?"

Or is it ""wait, didn't I order a hamburger?  Why isn't it sitting in front of me.  Maybe I didn't order it.  I don't really remember.  I often don't remember things I did two minutes ago; it might have something to do with a steady diet of empty carbohydrates, salt and fat and not enough actual food.  Oh well- I'm not going to waddle up to the counter and order that hamburger now.  Not in front of these other people.  And I can't just drink my not-milkshake and eat my fried potatoes and then use the drive-thru on the way out; the girl who hands me my bag might recognize me.  I'll just finish up here and then hit one of the other three McDonald's I pass on the way home."  

Whatever it is, it's really sad.  This blurry woman in the background needs help.  The kind of help she won't get from a Health At Every Size "life coach/nutritionist" on Tiktok.  The kind of help she won't get by ignoring nutrition advice from an ACTUAL doctor.  Certainly not the kind of help she'll get from consuming warm trash from McDonald's.  I suggest she seek medical attention, including therapy, to find other ways to cope that don't include clogging her arteries or seeking to dull the pain with "comfort food" that leaves her depressed and addicted.  Good luck to her. 

Wendy's encourages us to start our days in the worst way possible

 

Because there's no better way to guarantee that you'll be exhausted, sluggish and hungry all day long than to start it with about a thousand calories' worth of fried potatoes, white starch and protein prepared in such a way as to completely eliminate the only somewhat beneficial ingredient of this breakfast.

I really hope that 2024 is the last year that Wendy's will be treating us to commercials featuring obviously mentally challenged weirdos whose entire personality is wrapped up in the fast "food" conglomerate their brains have been enslaved to.  I for one will not miss watching this sad group of exploited unfortunates gush about how amazing the chemicals they heat up for the "benefit" of their perpetually ill customers are at releasing dopamine as well as causing blood sugar spikes.  

And to that one guy who is fantasizing about the next time he gets to chow down on enough grease, salt and empty carbohydrates to choke a horse and clog a heart in no time flat- do you really need to crack that egg five inches from your face?  Is it really that fascinating?  If you have to do that, could you at least wear a mask?  Because if I saw you doing that in the back, it would absolutely confirm my decision to stick to my order of Just Black Coffee, please.*

*I haven't been inside a Wendy's for at least twenty years, so I don't even know if they have good coffee.  Some of these Obesity Delivery Centers have good coffee- like the one with golden arches.  Dunkin Donuts has good coffee, too.  And it won't kill you, like the fried garbage these people are forever gushing over. 

Still picking on SoFi- this guy has issues no bank can solve.

 

1.  Super-smart to do any kind of online banking while in public, using a public hotspot like the subway.  I get the idea that the reason this guy has debt issues in the first place is because of impulsive moves like this.

2.  This guy responds to "Welcome Points" by doing a dance through the train.  What are "Welcome Points?"  Who cares?   They sound so nice.  I get another idea- that this guy was sincerely flattered by the Love Bombing he got when he responded to an invitation to attend last Thursday's mass brainwashing session sermon at the local Kingdom Hall.  Not a whole lot going on in this guy's life, is there?

3.  When this guy finds out that he's accomplished absolutely nothing by moving his money from one bank to another, he'll probably respond by feeling betrayed by the Big Bad Banking Industry and consoling himself with an $8 latte at Starbucks.  Paid for with a credit card, of course. 

That time of year again- more fun with Liberty Tax

 

Here we get the heartwarming, totally relatable story of a woman who was already the owner/operator of two franchise locations of some business doing something and who was so successful at her career that she decided to wander into a just-opened Liberty Tax office and apply for a job during the busy tax season.*

She goes on to tell us that she really learned a lot during her time at Liberty Tax- not so much about preparing taxes, but about the business of selling the public on the idea of getting someone else to prepare its taxes.  She doesn't tell us so, but it involves lots of big blue banners promising rapid refunds and deep discounts if you accept the most expensive "service" - never mind that nobody in their right mind with any kind of complicated tax situation would hire a company that opens offices in abandoned stores or any other empty space on a month-to-month basis, 99 percent of said offices vanishing after April 15 of each year.  We also don't see anyone dressed in a Statue of Liberty costume waving a WE PREPARE TAXES REAL CHEAP FREE COOKIES FOR THE KIDS sign out front.  Nope- just a dignified-looking woman pressing buttons on a keyboard and smiling at the sucker who came in thinking that they were going to get their taxes done quickly and correctly and maybe get a free cookie on the side.

Eventually, this woman opened her own Liberty Tax franchise, which concludes her awesome story of success with Liberty Tax, I guess.  It also concludes this post, but don't worry, I'm not done with Liberty Tax quite yet.  There's plenty of snark left to be mined beyond this woman's story.  

*seriously, how successful was this woman's business if getting into Liberty Tax was a step up?  Come clean, lady- you were a "franchisee" in HerbaLife, right?  Or Amway?  Or DoTerra?  Was it Mary Kay?  You can tell me.  I won't share it with anyone beyond this blog- and very, very few people read this blog.