Southwest Airlines: No fees...but maybe, no seat either?

 

Here's another one of those stupid ads that uses the "real people being flummoxed by ridiculous rules/questions/policies etc." meme that we've seen a hundred times already, pounding the "we're better because we don't have this stuff" message into our brains over and over again- a message we GET ten seconds in but for some reason are subjected to for a full minute Because We Dumb.

Setting aside the fact that nobody with two functioning brain cells would believe for one moment that these are Real People Not Wannabee Actors following a script, let's talk about Southwest Airlines' "No Hidden Fees" claim for a moment, shall we?

It's true that Southwest Airlines won't charge you for an ice cube.  Neither will any other airline, but whatever.  It's also true that Southwest Airlines won't charge you for trying to sit wherever you want on the plane.  That's not because Southwest Airlines is "nice," it's because Southwest Airlines is CHEAP and leaves the fighting over seats to you and your fellow passengers.  Like walking down an aisle trying to find an empty seat is superior to just going to the one you know is waiting for you.  Please.  

But I wonder why we don't see one of these "actors" being told that they are so fat that they are spilling into someone else's seat, and need to buy another seat rather than commit second degree assault on a fellow passenger.  Because Southwest Airlines has a "Passenger of Size" policy in which a (let's use the current preferred terminology) "Person in a Larger Body" may be given a free extra seat (or even TWO  free extra seats) if they are too big to fit in one.  They can either request this seat in advance, or pay for an extra seat(s) and then get a refund after the flight.  

Why don't you mention this in the ad, Southwest Airlines?  Is it because this policy has actually lead you to BOOT PEOPLE OFF YOUR FLIGHTS in order to make room for- um- "People in Larger Bodies?"  Like the family mentioned in the story linked below?  

Personally, when I rent a seat on a plane I only expect two things, and neither is a free ice cube:  I expect every inch of the space I rent, and I expect to have that seat ready for me and only me when I arrive at the airport.  Southwest Airlines guarantees neither.  And I can tell you right now- a free ice cube isn't going to cut it as compensation when I'm sitting at the gate waiting for another flight because Southwest Airlines has a policy which favors someone who had to ask for two seatbelt extenders.  

The Problem With Lizzo

 

No, it's not that at one point in this stupid ad she seems to be ordering a "French boy."  I'm pretty sure I heard that correctly.  Nor is it her current lawsuit issues, though they do factor in.  

The problem Lizzo is going to have in 2024 is with that part of her audience whose devotion to her had absolutely nothing to do with her music and everything to do with her image as an excessively heavy but extremely active woman who had made a fortune on stage without "buying in" to "socially acceptable fitness standards" (I'm quoting self-labeled fat activists here.)  And from what I've seen from Tiktok and YouTube, this is a significant portion of that audience.

Lizzo has a LOT of fans who are either extremely overweight or consider themselves "allies" to people "living in a larger body."  Over the past few years, many of them have accused their hero's detractors of "hating on Lizzo" because she is very fat.  Some of them even say that they aren't fans of Lizzo's music but will go to the mat against anyone who dares criticize Lizzo because Fat People and Their Allies Must Stick Together. 

But there's one thing that "Fat Activists" hate more than detractors, and that's when their fat icons go on weight-loss journeys.  And we've finally gotten to Lizzo's 2024 problem:  the musician, who is six weeks away from her 36th birthday, has apparently decided that the health consequences of being morbidly obese are not for her, and she's on a mission to change her body while she still can.   It was one thing to hear Lizzo accused of fat-shaming her dancers- that could be dismissed as mere gossip by the haters.  But when the pounds start to drop off, and Lizzo inevitably signs a promotional deal with Ozempic and clothing company that doesn't go higher than XXL, the bile is going to rise like lava in Vesuvius circa 79 AD.  

Here's hoping that Lizzo's explanation for the turnabout is "it's none of your damn business and I don't owe you an explanation," because that would be very accurate.  In any case, the reaction from some of the "activists" who infest the medias of Social will be entertaining to watch.  

In short, the problem with Lizzo is not Lizzo's problem at all.  She has every right to come to the rescue of her own body even if she can still walk and hasn't even had a heart attack yet.  The problem really belongs to the people who held her up as some kind of fat mascot to hold up to the world as an example of what fat people can do (for a while, until reality catches up to them.)  They'll be very vocal about the "betrayal."  Frankly, I can't wait. 

KFC: Right, it's not pizza. It's poison

 

Brought to you from the same people who brought us:

Macaroni and cheese and fried chicken in the same bowl.

"Sandwiches" consisting of bacon, cheese and fatty sauce between two pieces of boneless fried chicken.

A fried chicken pot pie served with a chocolate cookie served up as a "meal."

I could go on.  But the point is- fried chicken slavered with cheese and pepperoni should come as no surprise to anyone.  I mean, we already live in a country where Taco Bells are open 24/7 and butter-infused ground beef is a selling point.  

We are in deep, deep trouble.  And no, we are NOT getting Universal Health Care until we turn this thing around.  I am NOT paying for this kid's angioplasty.  Oh, and grandma?  Someone in this family was responsible for teaching this kid how to eat.  Maybe it wasn't you, but it was your son or your daughter.  They failed.  Hard. 

Airborne Narcissism

 

This is what we know about Kelly Rowland:  She sees herself as a Superstar Super-Influencer Supermom who is very very eager to attend what might as well be called the KELLY Rowland family reunion so that she can fling herself about as if she's the center of the universe and the only real reason to even HAVE a family reunion, but ONLY if she can armor herself against the germs of the Non-Influencer Nobodies who happen to share her DNA.  She is, after all, Kelly Rowland, Superstar Super-Influencer Supermom. 

So thanks to Airborne, the supporting characters of Kelly Rowland's life are graced by Kelly Rowland's presence, and she'll make damn sure everyone is aware of it by trying to be everywhere all at once, no doubt live-streaming the entire event for her audience of I'm Not Even Going To Look It Up Many mouth-breathers on Tiktok or YouTube or Wherever.   Because we're all just background noise in the long-running Saga of Kelly Rowland, Legend in her Own Mind.  

 

Another Obnoxious Rinvoq Commercial? Check!

 

I don't know about you, but there's very little I care about less than rich people having lives which seem to consist entirely of safaris, beaches and ski resorts be interrupted by frequent trips to the g--d--- bathroom.  The idea that some pharmaceutical company may have set aside research into drugs that might someday cure Alzheimer's or Type I Diabetes in order to pump money into removing an annoyance from entitled brats like the horrible, horrible people who infest these ads makes me physically sick. 

I mean, wear a damn Depends under your $2000 ski gear, you ridiculous knobs.  

A Friday morning rant from an angry boomer with a blog?  CHECK!

PreserVision Commercials are weird

 

Every single one of them portray panicky Senior Citizens who have decided that they are about to go blind because of some eye condition they may or may not get because they are old but are then "relieved" to learn that there's these over-the-counter drops they can take to reduce their chances of, um, going blind.  It's like telling someone that if they don't drink water they'll die of dehydration, but here's a quick and easily obtainable solution:  Water.  

Meanwhile, can we please stop wasting time and start tackling real problems faced by Seniors?  Like Robot Attacks, for example.   It's nice that Old Glory Insurance is available, but how about some preventive measures?

Another Blast from the Past with a Progresso Soup Commercial from 1999

 

In this vintage ad, a guy at the office is perfectly happy with his bowl of soggy noodles in salty water for lunch, because he's been eating this stuff since he was a kid and didn't realize that his mother was constantly too hungover to put together a decent meal.  Again.  So it's become kind of a comfort food for him.  I just wonder where the saltines are (as if there's not enough sodium in a can of Campbell's Used To Be Something Resembling Pasta Condensed Soup Product already.)

He's perfectly happy- that is, until some nosy coworker barges in to condescendingly "remind" him that he's an "adult" now and "adults" don't eat Campbells because they've developed taste buds and realize that (despite the salt) there is absolutely no taste to Campbells Chicken Noodle Soup.  Turns out that once he reached a certain age, he was supposed to switch to Progresso, which as near as I can tell is exactly the same thing except with less water and bigger chunks of soggy, saturated vegetables which may have been nutritious when they were sealed into those cans months earlier but now have only slightly less liquid content than the water they are sitting in.  It's still tasteless swill and not at all a practical meal to consume at one's desk, but it's what Grown Ups are supposed to eat So There.

I have no idea why this woman feels entitled to tell her coworker what he's "supposed" to be eating for lunch; if she is really bothered by his consumption of canned soup, I'd think it would have more to do with it stinking up the breakroom and constantly leaving nasty residue in the common microwave.   At which point, she might suggest he make the soup at home in the morning and carry it to work in a thermos like a Good Boy.  Or, if she were a real friend, she'd suggest he eat something that will carry him through dinner- like a sandwich and a piece of fruit.  Best of all, she could just mind her own damn business and stop pushing her preferred brand of soup at people.  At this point, I'm just imagining that these two ended up getting married because she decided that was the only way she could get him to act like her own personal version of an Adult Man  in every situation.