Uber Eats "Solves" a problem nobody has

 

The bottom line to this typically overproduced (it was, after all, a Superbowl ad) idiocy is:  don't forget Uber Eats delivers food so you don't have to get up off the couch except to go answer the door, ever.

Don't worry, Uber Eats.  Americans are well aware that it's never been easier to be immobile.  First there were restaurants.  Then fast-food restaurants.  Then drive-thrus, because who has time/energy to walk into a building these days We Are All So Very Very Busy After All.  We've had pizza delivery for more than fifty years.  And now- with a special boost from that Disease That Shall Not Be Named- we have Door Dash and Uber Eats, so when we "don't feel like" cooking and also "don't feel like" driving to a fast food place and "don't feel like" just going to sleep instead of eating AGAIN and "don't feel like" doing without ANYTHING EVER, we can just swipe an App on our phones (we always feel like doing that) and strip ourselves of even more disposable income by making an impulse purchase of empty calories so we don't get distracted from Netflix or that video game we are NOT addicted to so Shut Up.  

Oh and these two people were on some inexplicably popular Seinfeld rip-off from the 1990s.  One of them has had something of a career since then, though not much unless you compare it to the other guy's.  Remember?  Me neither, actually. 

Just a few quick questions about this Discover Card Commercial.

 

1.  Who is Jennifer Coolidge?  Am I supposed to know, or care?  What was she in that I would have seen if I went to the theater or watched network television?  Or was she on some show that's only on a streaming service, of which I have zero?  Ok, that's a lot more than one question but they all really boil down to one.

2.  Why is this person calling Discover?  We never find out.  She's too engrossed in a conversation with what may or may not be an actual human.  I wonder if she even remembers the purpose of her call.  Considering that she seems to be calling from her kitchen at 2 AM, maybe she just called to hear a human voice.  Or a robot voice.  Either way, kind of sad.

3.  Is this supposed to be funny?  If so, funny to whom, exactly?  I can't ask YouTubers because the comments are turned off.  

4.  Why are there a whole series of these commercials?  What is going on here?  Are these the ads that convinced Capital One to buy this card?  So many questions, so few answers.  So little point. 

Wendy's March Madness Commercial: Making Obesity Great Again

 

Personally, if a couple of obviously mentally deranged lunatics ran up to me while I was trying to eat my greaseburger at my local Wendy's and proceeded to rant about Whatever, I'd get out of there fast.  I sure wouldn't remind myself to come back.  And I'd be absolutely horrified to find that the people standing in front of my table and yelling at me where the same people who prepared my food.  Um, pass.

But it sure is good to know that Wendy's has made it cheap to eat life-shortening crud in large quantities again, just like in the good old days before the Pandemic that Shall not be Named and the onslaught of inflation.  Take that Biden!

Paramount+Superbowl+Familiar Actors+Absolutely No Ideas= A Really, Really Stupid Commercial

 

I really don't have much to add after watching a commercial that just keeps repeating "this is as stupid as it gets" and then replying to itself "hold my beer."  I can only be grateful that Paramount didn't decide to make this ad any longer, because I have zero doubt that, given more time, it would have broken every record for Sustained Pointlessness out there.

Just wondering how producers who find their operating costs slashed by Paramount feel after watching this banal waste of several million dollars.  I bet a thoroughly educational documentary could have been made just for the CGI budget.  

Delightfully Understated Sexism from Select Insurance

 

Hey look, it's another commercial featuring an idiot dad who keeps screwing up until mom takes control of the situation and sets everything right.  Never seen that in a commercial before, have we?

Seriously, though- this guy starts off by suggesting everything is fine while the car he presumably bought (I don't see mom taking any part in the choice of car purchases until the very end) is way too small for his daughters.  Then he comes home with a Jeep, which gets a thumbs-down from Mom (at this point we really wonder why she doesn't just go with the guy to get a car or leave him at home and pick it out herself- is she afraid he'll accidentally kill himself or the kids while she's gone?)

Everything gets resolved when MommyWife finally drags her stupid BoyHusband to a Select Insurance Agent who is, thankfully, a female so she doesn't have to worry about Dopey Worthless Man being enabled by another Dopey Worthless Man behind a desk.  It all works out because Dad takes a back seat and lets the Women set things straight.  Yay.  

Now if we can just keep dad- who has to drive the new car because He's The Guy After All- from wandering off and buying a boat or a motorcycle on a whim because Guys Are Stupid, this family should be ok.  

At Sonic, it's never been cheaper to kill yourself with food

 

If you actually consume this entire two-for-$7 deal* you'll be taking in more than 2000 calories, fully half of which consists of fat- and a lot of that fat is the saturated kind.  And I'm being generous and assuming that the drink is a calorie-free diet soda.  It's basically an entire day's worth of calories for an active adult- and don't tell me that anyone who would actually ingest this crap is making this their only meal of the day.

I suppose this would be ok as a once-a-year treat, but Sonic isn't selling this as a once-a-year treat.  Sonic would like you to see this as a perfectly reasonable meal option.  Never mind that it's only reasonable if you are struggling to gain weight or have just given up on life altogether.  This kind of "food" would leave me completely exhausted minutes after eating it, and very very hungry only a few hours later.   In short, it's a bad deal all around.

*And don't even try to tell me that Sonic expects two people to share this meal.   There's only one drink here.  Nope- if two people waddle into Sonic for this deal, Sonic expects each person to hand over $7- plus a few more bucks for the two drinks not included.  

Southwest Airlines: No fees...but maybe, no seat either?

 

Here's another one of those stupid ads that uses the "real people being flummoxed by ridiculous rules/questions/policies etc." meme that we've seen a hundred times already, pounding the "we're better because we don't have this stuff" message into our brains over and over again- a message we GET ten seconds in but for some reason are subjected to for a full minute Because We Dumb.

Setting aside the fact that nobody with two functioning brain cells would believe for one moment that these are Real People Not Wannabee Actors following a script, let's talk about Southwest Airlines' "No Hidden Fees" claim for a moment, shall we?

It's true that Southwest Airlines won't charge you for an ice cube.  Neither will any other airline, but whatever.  It's also true that Southwest Airlines won't charge you for trying to sit wherever you want on the plane.  That's not because Southwest Airlines is "nice," it's because Southwest Airlines is CHEAP and leaves the fighting over seats to you and your fellow passengers.  Like walking down an aisle trying to find an empty seat is superior to just going to the one you know is waiting for you.  Please.  

But I wonder why we don't see one of these "actors" being told that they are so fat that they are spilling into someone else's seat, and need to buy another seat rather than commit second degree assault on a fellow passenger.  Because Southwest Airlines has a "Passenger of Size" policy in which a (let's use the current preferred terminology) "Person in a Larger Body" may be given a free extra seat (or even TWO  free extra seats) if they are too big to fit in one.  They can either request this seat in advance, or pay for an extra seat(s) and then get a refund after the flight.  

Why don't you mention this in the ad, Southwest Airlines?  Is it because this policy has actually lead you to BOOT PEOPLE OFF YOUR FLIGHTS in order to make room for- um- "People in Larger Bodies?"  Like the family mentioned in the story linked below?  

Personally, when I rent a seat on a plane I only expect two things, and neither is a free ice cube:  I expect every inch of the space I rent, and I expect to have that seat ready for me and only me when I arrive at the airport.  Southwest Airlines guarantees neither.  And I can tell you right now- a free ice cube isn't going to cut it as compensation when I'm sitting at the gate waiting for another flight because Southwest Airlines has a policy which favors someone who had to ask for two seatbelt extenders.