This Weird Honey Bunches of Oats Commercial.

 

Yeah, don't just eat oats.  Eat oats drenched in sugar.  I guarantee that if you are the kid who gained fifty pounds of adipose tissue and is on insulin before the Senior Prom, she'll notice you.*  I do NOT guarantee that the attention you get will be positive, however.

Seriously, I've checked out Honey Bunches of Oats.  They taste really, really good.  That's because they are really sweet.  Sugar tastes good, in case you were born on another planet and weren't aware.  It has absolutely zero positive impact on your health, however.  I suggest that this kid finds some other way to get the object of his attraction to notice him that doesn't include taking on crap eating habits.  

*actually, I shouldn't guarantee this.  If this kid goes to a typical American high school, it's entirely possible that morbidly obese kids already on insulin are depressingly common.  

Just a few quick points about this DraftKings Commercial

 

1.  I can't imagine anyone thinking that there's anything funny about watching a multimillionaire go on and on about an addictive gambling app that certainly ruined lives in 2023 and will continue to ruin lives in 2024.

2.  I really, really hope that the posts in the comment section are all bots.  Because this....this is beyond sad.  "I died when I saw this."  "This is a Superbowl ad, this is so funny, screw watching the game..." etc. etc. etc.  If these are actual human beings posting these responses I weep for our nation.  You people need serious help. 

Gentrification.com

 

So an elderly black guy just trying to play chess with himself (I guess) in his neighborhood park finds himself harassed to distraction by some privileged white woman who wants to know if his neighborhood is good enough for her to move into and ruin.  No doubt she wants to know if there's a Trader Joe's, Whole Foods and Starbucks within walking distance, not that she'll ever actually walk to any of them, and if most people in the vicinity are as, um, coffee-colored as he is. 

Eventually she's reminded that she's rich and white and there's this company that is perfectly happy to do all of her searching for her- a company that's going to land a helicopter practically on top of the poor black man she's been condescending to talk to and whisk her away to Just The Right Neighborhood - that is, a neighborhood that has enough minorities to allow her to Virtue Signal but not enough to make her feel nervous as she walks from her BMW to the front door of the Brownstone she got a great deal on because the previous owners got hit hard by Covid and a lack of generational wealth. 

Uber Eats "Solves" a problem nobody has

 

The bottom line to this typically overproduced (it was, after all, a Superbowl ad) idiocy is:  don't forget Uber Eats delivers food so you don't have to get up off the couch except to go answer the door, ever.

Don't worry, Uber Eats.  Americans are well aware that it's never been easier to be immobile.  First there were restaurants.  Then fast-food restaurants.  Then drive-thrus, because who has time/energy to walk into a building these days We Are All So Very Very Busy After All.  We've had pizza delivery for more than fifty years.  And now- with a special boost from that Disease That Shall Not Be Named- we have Door Dash and Uber Eats, so when we "don't feel like" cooking and also "don't feel like" driving to a fast food place and "don't feel like" just going to sleep instead of eating AGAIN and "don't feel like" doing without ANYTHING EVER, we can just swipe an App on our phones (we always feel like doing that) and strip ourselves of even more disposable income by making an impulse purchase of empty calories so we don't get distracted from Netflix or that video game we are NOT addicted to so Shut Up.  

Oh and these two people were on some inexplicably popular Seinfeld rip-off from the 1990s.  One of them has had something of a career since then, though not much unless you compare it to the other guy's.  Remember?  Me neither, actually. 

Just a few quick questions about this Discover Card Commercial.

 

1.  Who is Jennifer Coolidge?  Am I supposed to know, or care?  What was she in that I would have seen if I went to the theater or watched network television?  Or was she on some show that's only on a streaming service, of which I have zero?  Ok, that's a lot more than one question but they all really boil down to one.

2.  Why is this person calling Discover?  We never find out.  She's too engrossed in a conversation with what may or may not be an actual human.  I wonder if she even remembers the purpose of her call.  Considering that she seems to be calling from her kitchen at 2 AM, maybe she just called to hear a human voice.  Or a robot voice.  Either way, kind of sad.

3.  Is this supposed to be funny?  If so, funny to whom, exactly?  I can't ask YouTubers because the comments are turned off.  

4.  Why are there a whole series of these commercials?  What is going on here?  Are these the ads that convinced Capital One to buy this card?  So many questions, so few answers.  So little point. 

Wendy's March Madness Commercial: Making Obesity Great Again

 

Personally, if a couple of obviously mentally deranged lunatics ran up to me while I was trying to eat my greaseburger at my local Wendy's and proceeded to rant about Whatever, I'd get out of there fast.  I sure wouldn't remind myself to come back.  And I'd be absolutely horrified to find that the people standing in front of my table and yelling at me where the same people who prepared my food.  Um, pass.

But it sure is good to know that Wendy's has made it cheap to eat life-shortening crud in large quantities again, just like in the good old days before the Pandemic that Shall not be Named and the onslaught of inflation.  Take that Biden!

Paramount+Superbowl+Familiar Actors+Absolutely No Ideas= A Really, Really Stupid Commercial

 

I really don't have much to add after watching a commercial that just keeps repeating "this is as stupid as it gets" and then replying to itself "hold my beer."  I can only be grateful that Paramount didn't decide to make this ad any longer, because I have zero doubt that, given more time, it would have broken every record for Sustained Pointlessness out there.

Just wondering how producers who find their operating costs slashed by Paramount feel after watching this banal waste of several million dollars.  I bet a thoroughly educational documentary could have been made just for the CGI budget.