I Don't Understand this Squarespace commercial at all*

 

I guess the "joke" is that if aliens ever show up we won't even notice because we are so glued to our electronic devices we can't be bothered to look up from them.  This "joke" is actually pretty obvious about ten seconds in, but commercials being commercials the "punchline" must be beaten into us for another minute-plus to make sure not only that we get it, but that we get how super-clever and funny it is.

At no point are we supposed to think that maybe this ad is a bit too on the nose, and maybe it's a wake-up call we could use to rethink our devotion to our glowing screens.  The people who made this ad are not calling for any of use to take a mental health break from what is laughingly referred to as "connectivity."  This is a commercial for Squarespace, about which I learned absolutely nothing from the ad but had to find out through a quick Google search that its a program to help you create your own website.  In other words, its a commercial for a program which encourages you to build your own little corner of the Worldwide Addiction Machine that turns us into those funny funny alien-ignoring zombies we were supposed to be laughing at for the entire runtime.  Um, whatever.

*Even after looking it up, I don't understand Squarespace, either.  Is it that hard to build a website?  It's 2024- we are in the third decade of online shopping.  Has it become harder to create a business website as everything else about using a computer has become easier?  What is actually being sold here, anyway?

Because you don't want to admit why you take Ozempic.

 

Gotta love the offhanded "and I lost some weight," as if 90 percent of people creating a shortage of Ozempic aren't just fat people who couldn't care less about their A1C, lipid panels, or diabetes risk and just desperately want to lose weight before swimsuit season begins in earnest.  And no, they aren't going to be eating less and exercising more because after all that's just Fatphobic Talk plus their tendency to pack on pounds while coincidentally stuffing their faces with garbage and bingeing on streaming services is genetic so shut up and fill my prescription already.  

The message of pro-Tiktok Commercials: Small Business Uber Alles!

 

It's actually more than that- without Tiktok, not only might Kathy's Kwirky Kupcakes and all other small businesses cease to exist (after all, they never existed before Tiktok, did they?) but nobody will give to charity anymore.  Hell, nobody will even TALK to each other any more.  The world will fall into chaos if this particular property of the Chinese Communist Party is banned in the United States.  I wouldn't be surprised to see the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse riding through the sky as cats and dogs marry each other if the ban goes through.

Let's be honest, shall we?  This has nothing to do with small businesses, charitable foundations, or any of that stuff which was doing just fine before this particular brain worm infested American culture starting in the late summer of 2017.  It doesn't even have to do with what Tiktok is primarily used for in my wonderful country- for Main Characters to blather their narcissism to the planet in the desperate hope of being found interesting by another human being for once.  Nope, this investment to convince Americans that Tiktok is a vital part of what they pathetically refer to as their "lives" has to do with our principle economic and military rival's natural right to mine information from the residents of the richest nation on Earth.  

I don't want an American company to have access to my private information, but I'd rather replace the walls of my home with glass than hand over my favorite flavor of ice cream to China, thanks anyway. And all you wannabee Henry Fords and pop stars who think that your selfish interests are more important than privacy- you idiots disgust me to no end.  Grab your passport, pack it away with your self-importance and head for more inviting shores.  Neither you nor your sacred small business will be missed.  

Walmart Plus-Sized Commercial

1.  A Walmart Plus membership (which I didn't even know was a thing) costs $98 per year.  According to the lunatic with a mike, you can get that membership for free and all you have to do is change your cellular service to this other provider.  Is that other provider any good?  How much does IT cost?  We aren't told.  I guess it isn't all that important.

2.  Notice something about all the customers in this ad?  They don't look like anyone I've ever seen at Walmart.  For one thing, they are a lot- um, let's say "paler" than the great majority of Walmart-ers I've noticed.  For another, although none of them look in very good shape, none of them are riding mobility scooters or look like they shop at Walmart to save their money for insulin.  It's kind of depressing that we barely notice that everyone in this ad is fat, because they aren't THAT fat, which means they are- doing well?  

3.  Walmart Plus includes Free Delivery.  Because leaving home is a pain.  Especially when you are focused on the couch and whatever is on that glowing screen you like to watch while shoving carbs and sugar down your cake hole.  Ah, that must be why these people aren't morbidly obese- they don't have Walmart Plus yet and actually have to still get their butts to the store.  Let's check on their blood sugar and fatty liver issues a year after they take advantage of this "great offer" and are doing all of their shopping online like good little zombies. 

Nobody is "alive" in this Xfinity ad

 

Trigger Warning:  Boomer Rant Coming Up!

When I was a kid, any "streaming" involved wading in the local creek.  If I walked through a dark house and saw everyone in my family lying around, it meant that everyone was reading or listening to music.  If everyone was in one room, we were probably watching tv together.  Note that last word- together. 

Now we get "what a time to be alive" from a dead-eyed kid wandering around a house noting that every single person in that house is becoming a potato while staring at their own personal glowing screen.  I'm not at all sure why any of them are in the same room- they certainly aren't interacting.  Hell, they are barely breathing.  Nothing must interfere with the inert consumption of whatever is on those screens.  

For some reason, this commercial is supposed to appeal to the people who pay the bills in houses like this and encourage them to make it possible for their families to "enjoy" a level of "accessibility" offered by the ad.  Because it's an amazing "time to be alive," we should be spending as much of that time splayed out on couches in dark rooms wasting our youth, encouraging our brains and muscles to atrophy.  Truly a triumph of the modern age- not high-speed broadband, but the successful marketing of such a loathsome product.  

Put that junk down and go outside, you ridiculous numpties!

This is weird even for you, McDonald's

 

This commercial is basically admitting that McDonald's French Fries are intentionally engineered to be addictive and binge-promoting, because it's just Good Capitalism to make a food product that triggers a dopamine response and encourages overconsumption.  These fried potato sticks are not satiating; they are oil and air and a little potato with just the right amount of salt and the perfect mouth feel to make the victim customer go back again and again to recreate that pleasurable sensation until the carton is empty- and then, in the best case scenario, go back for more.  

Imagine if this was an ad for whiskey that featured a disembodied voice asking "you people who take a sip, or a single shot, and then call it a night- how do you do that?  Who ARE you?"  Or perhaps a commercial for crack cocaine with the same message- "you tried it once and never went back?  You are so WEIRD!"

Or an ad featuring pressed and shaped potato flakes that used the catchphrase "once you pop, you can't stop."  Oh wait....we already have that....

The weird mixed message in this TurboTax Commercial

 

Marcus is not a "connoisseur of anything free."  He's a hoarder of other people's garbage.  If you throw it away, Marcus will snatch it up.  He doesn't care about quality, he doesn't care about taste, and he doesn't care if what he's picking up off the street is practical or useful.  If it's free, he's going to lug it home and find a place for it amongst the rest of the rubble he's retrieved from every street corner, dumpster or Facebook Marketplace Please Take This Awful Thing Away I Am Moving And Don't Want To Pay To Have It Removed post he can find.  If Marcus can lug it off on foot or jam it into the back of his car, it's gone.  No questions asked.

But Marcus takes this obsession with free junk to his approach to tax preparation services.  I use TurboTax every year, and have since around 2010.  I think it's an easy-to-use program and because I don't own anything and don't have any kids or one of those spouse things I can do my very simple taxes in about an hour using their basic package.  But the "free" edition is free of pretty much everything you want in something as important as a tax filing- you can't e-file, Turbotax will not check or back up the accuracy of your numbers, and no electronic copy will be saved outside of your own computer.  It's basically just a word processing program that allows you to do all the work yourself, including printing copies and mailing them by hand- and hoping your refund doesn't get sent to the wrong address or stolen from your box. 

In other words, the "free" edition is every bit as much trash as that ugly ceramic ice cream cone or fire-hazard ancient lamps or mold-infested recliner Marcus dragged home because he's an ill person.  Is this the message you wanted to send, TurboTax?  "As long as you like free trash, here's some more?"

In short, it's a really bad way to save money.  I put it right up there with using a third-party company to book important plane tickets instead of going through the carrier or regularly flying Stand By- it's a really penny-wise, pound-foolish gamble that I'm not going to take, ever.  It costs me about a hundred bucks every year to do my taxes with TT but I know some program has looked them over, I haven't missed anything, and my past returns are saved forever if the IRS ever decides that because I'm not very wealthy or very poor they better check to make sure I'm paying my fair share.  You get what you pay for, and accurate tax prep, e-filing and direct deposit are worth paying for.  Stop being an idiot, Marcus.