Fun Flashback: Remember this embarrassment from 1988?

 

Yeah, these electronic "labor saving devices" will never catch on....

There's something really sad about seeing the cast of what was, for three or four seasons, the best show of the 1970s (and then went on to be a middling comedy, and then a mediocre comedy, and then an entirely forgettable comedy, as it went on and on before shuffling off the stage* having lasted roughly three times longer than the Korean War that was supposed to be it's setting) pimping for International Business Machines five years after their seminal roles left television.   Someone in the comment section points out that this commercial features the very first appearance of Colonel Potter and Trapper John in the same scene- they never met in the series, so it's kind of strange that they would know each other here.  The absence of Alan Alda is striking as well; no, it's not because he was "too good" to shill for a computer company.  It's because he was already under contract with COLECO, selling their somewhat less successful ADAM system.  Remember that one?  The computer that could only receive power through the printer port, meaning that if the printer broke down the computer wouldn't work?  Me neither. 

*Of course, M*A*S*H left television with the most-watched final episode in television history (more of a tv movie than final episode,) but it really ought to be remembered that the finale was so popular because it was a throwback to the quality and tone of the film and the early seasons of the show, and discarded the weak and often gimmicky scripts and direction of the last third of its run.  

Taco Bell's Sad, Not at all Relatable Commercial

 

This Taco Bell ad is here to remind us that at least one of the ultra-processed garbage grease-and-meat-and-cheese offerings available on it's After Midnight Menu is not just available After Midnight.  It's actually available any time you need to deaden the dull, throbbing pain that is your life with a quick dopamine hit followed by an even bigger crash into the bowels of despair.

So don't save Taco Bell for the usual I Drank Too Much and Struck Out as Usual at the Party binge while sitting alone in the parking lot (please remember that when it's late at night, you might not want to eat this stuff while sitting in the parking lot.  Might be safer to eat it back home, or while driving home.  Actually, the safest option is to not eat it at all, but we're way past that, aren't we?)  America's Favorite Faux Tex-Mex Pig Trough is there for you pretty much any time your soul needs a shot of Novocaine in the form of empty carbs before you head home, alone, again.  

I thought that this was what IHOP was for.  Is the price of pancakes and coffee just too much for the new generation?  Well, what happened to 7-11 and a Big Bite hot dog and bag of chips?  Those used to be the go-to places for the late-night Alone Again, Naturally munchies.  I mean, that's what I've heard.  From other people.  Sad people.  

We ain't really talkin' about cashbacking, Mr. Hart....

 

At least, not as much as we be talkin' about an overrated comedian turned ridiculously successful huckster willing to enthusiastically sell everything from credit cards to gambling apps as long as the Cash Be Backing.  Ain't you ashamed of yourself, Mr. Hart?  Really?  Not yet?

Walmart's terrific commercial for Birth Control

 

Yeah, I want a dozen of these things.  Sure, I do.

Cripes, I won't even own a cat because I don't want to deal with a litter box.  I don't own a dog because I'm not picking up after him on a walk like I'm a servant.   If I had a best friend, they'd take care of their own "leavings," thank you.  But to quote James G. Blaine, "I have no friends, thanks be to god." 

Oh yeah, back to these babies- maybe I'll get myself one when they come out with a model that can use the toilet right out of the box.  Until then, I'll leave others to wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, and use Walmart Same Day Delivery because before that was invented, pre-toilet trained kids just went naked when Mommy and Daddy irresponsibly forgot to pick up diapers I guess.   Wipe me down?  More like, Count me Out. 

I Don't Understand this Squarespace commercial at all*

 

I guess the "joke" is that if aliens ever show up we won't even notice because we are so glued to our electronic devices we can't be bothered to look up from them.  This "joke" is actually pretty obvious about ten seconds in, but commercials being commercials the "punchline" must be beaten into us for another minute-plus to make sure not only that we get it, but that we get how super-clever and funny it is.

At no point are we supposed to think that maybe this ad is a bit too on the nose, and maybe it's a wake-up call we could use to rethink our devotion to our glowing screens.  The people who made this ad are not calling for any of use to take a mental health break from what is laughingly referred to as "connectivity."  This is a commercial for Squarespace, about which I learned absolutely nothing from the ad but had to find out through a quick Google search that its a program to help you create your own website.  In other words, its a commercial for a program which encourages you to build your own little corner of the Worldwide Addiction Machine that turns us into those funny funny alien-ignoring zombies we were supposed to be laughing at for the entire runtime.  Um, whatever.

*Even after looking it up, I don't understand Squarespace, either.  Is it that hard to build a website?  It's 2024- we are in the third decade of online shopping.  Has it become harder to create a business website as everything else about using a computer has become easier?  What is actually being sold here, anyway?

Because you don't want to admit why you take Ozempic.

 

Gotta love the offhanded "and I lost some weight," as if 90 percent of people creating a shortage of Ozempic aren't just fat people who couldn't care less about their A1C, lipid panels, or diabetes risk and just desperately want to lose weight before swimsuit season begins in earnest.  And no, they aren't going to be eating less and exercising more because after all that's just Fatphobic Talk plus their tendency to pack on pounds while coincidentally stuffing their faces with garbage and bingeing on streaming services is genetic so shut up and fill my prescription already.  

The message of pro-Tiktok Commercials: Small Business Uber Alles!

 

It's actually more than that- without Tiktok, not only might Kathy's Kwirky Kupcakes and all other small businesses cease to exist (after all, they never existed before Tiktok, did they?) but nobody will give to charity anymore.  Hell, nobody will even TALK to each other any more.  The world will fall into chaos if this particular property of the Chinese Communist Party is banned in the United States.  I wouldn't be surprised to see the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse riding through the sky as cats and dogs marry each other if the ban goes through.

Let's be honest, shall we?  This has nothing to do with small businesses, charitable foundations, or any of that stuff which was doing just fine before this particular brain worm infested American culture starting in the late summer of 2017.  It doesn't even have to do with what Tiktok is primarily used for in my wonderful country- for Main Characters to blather their narcissism to the planet in the desperate hope of being found interesting by another human being for once.  Nope, this investment to convince Americans that Tiktok is a vital part of what they pathetically refer to as their "lives" has to do with our principle economic and military rival's natural right to mine information from the residents of the richest nation on Earth.  

I don't want an American company to have access to my private information, but I'd rather replace the walls of my home with glass than hand over my favorite flavor of ice cream to China, thanks anyway. And all you wannabee Henry Fords and pop stars who think that your selfish interests are more important than privacy- you idiots disgust me to no end.  Grab your passport, pack it away with your self-importance and head for more inviting shores.  Neither you nor your sacred small business will be missed.