Why I'll never be on Rinvoq

 

It's not because I don't suffer from rheumatoid arthritis, though I've never had that skin condition thing that's really focused on in these commercials.  It's because I'm nowhere near cool enough to qualify to take this or 99 percent of the other drugs advertised on television.

All of these people ride horses or engage in competitive roller dance or BUILD guitars in their workshops (I'm not even cool enough to play one; this guy BUILDS them.  From scratch.  In his own freaking WORKSHOP.)  They are also always hanging with pretty friends (I don't have any friends, let alone pretty ones) and heading off to beautiful romantic places with incredible views and cafes and opportunities for selfies, not that they need to ever take a selfie because they are always surrounded by those pretty friends. 

If I had lives like this and was being slowed down by arthritis or plaque psorasis or whatever (I'm not looking it up- it's that red flaky skin thing) I guess I'd insist on trying this drug too.  But apparently when I walk into the office of my arthritis specialist he looks me up and down and realizes that I''m not Rinvoq-worthy.  Maybe I should take riding lessons or get some skates.  I'm sure not learning how to build a freaking guitar.  

Yeah, I have no idea what is going on in this Nissan Rogue ad....

 

So I guess that as far as the girl selling the smoothie- and the makers of this commercial- are concerned, the customer ordered the "wrong" smoothie (never mind that he apparently ordered from the menu) and deserved to be brutally assaulted by a guy wearing a mascot's costume.  In fact she is so taken by the guy in the costume's takedown of Soy Boy Kale Drinking Loser that she jumps into his Nissan Rogue and proceeds to smile ear to ear as he drives it recklessly through a gym which I guess is right next to the smoothie shop Never Mind Like I Said, I have NO idea what is going on here except that it seems to end with everyone chasing the insane driver of this car, hopefully to beat him to death with his own sense of entitlement, or at least arrest him for the assault he committed in the opening seconds of this intensely stupid ad. 

FreeFood123-with neighbors like these....

 

You have to seriously wonder about the mentality of people who can be convinced that they really should be in the market for pre-packaged "delicious" meals that can last up to 25 months sitting on the shelf of a bomb shelter, a bunker in the Colorado mountains, a cave, or a well-fortified suburban home bordering a reservation populated by dependents of the Democrat Party Soviet.  Then you remember it's the same people who fly flags which infer that Joe Biden's first name is a four-letter word starting with "F," believe that the only thing more important to stockpile than calories stuffed with chemicals is high-powered weaponry stuffed with Soon-To-Be-Banned bullets, and will buy anything from anyone wearing a t-shirt or using a website emblazoned with the word PATRIOT.  

Now I'm imagining these idiots, having spent the last of their fiat money on guns, ammo and prepackaged meals sitting on their piles of Trump medallions staring at the door of their Last Bastion of Freedom Lair waiting for someone to try to take away their freedom every time there's a power outage or BLM protest.  All I ask is that they stay away from the voting booths in November and far away from Washington DC next January. 

"Can Billy be put on trial for crimes against the environment?" This stupid Tacoma Truck Ad.

 

1.  I really, really hope that a lot of CGI was used in this ad and it did not actually include dozens, if not hundreds, of gas-guzzling vehicles spewing toxins into the air perhaps for an entire day or even more of filming in service of a stupid, pointless ad for whatever this ad is for (seriously, I forgot what was being peddled two seconds after it was over and was forced to watch it again.)

2.  I don't know who Billy is- I guess it's the guy who comes outside to find out why dozens or hundreds of people have shown up at his house which for some reason is in the middle of the desert- or why the guy yells "can Billy come out to play?"  If Billy is the guy who comes outside, why didn't the other guy yell "can you come out to play?"  Also, Billy looks like an adult.  Who was supposed to give Billy "permission" to come out to play?  Clearly, nobody- because Billy gives himself permission.  Obviously there is nobody else in that house- I mean, dozens if not hundreds of vehicles have just roared up, and only Billy came outside to find out what was going on.  If someone else is inside, they are either deaf or so drugged up they didn't hear the ruckus, or Billy has killed them because he is sick of having to ask permission to Come out and Play.

3.  What "play" is going on here?  Is driving aimlessly through the desert in trucks, cars, motorcycles, freaking LAWNMOWERS, etc. anyone's idea of fun?  Oh hell, yeah it probably is.  Never mind that the top speed for some of the vehicles shown here is like 5 MPH.  What is being "celebrated?"  The return of gasoline to "only" $3.70 per gallon?  

Hey everybody, we're driving around in the DESERT.  We're having FUN.  How can this be made MORE fun?  I know- let's pick up BILLY!  That will be the cherry on the sundae, right?

JD Wentworth knows the Tragic Opera that is your Life

 

"I have a structured settlement but I need cash now!"

Call JD Wentworth, 877 cash now!

"I won the lottery, but I'm in debt anyhow!"

Call JD Wentworth, 877 cash now!

"My dad set up an annuity but I need cash now!"

Maybe live within your means- I mean, Call JD Wentworth, 877 cash now!

"I am surrounded by leech relatives and alleged friends and they want cash now!"

You'll be back in debt next year and those relatives and friends will be long gone-- um, I mean, Call JD Wentworth, 877 cash now!

"I am stupid with money so I need cash now!"

Here's your money.  Sign here.  Thank heaven for stupid people like you, they make services like this and "rapid refunds" super-profitable.  Call us again when you want to sell your life insurance.  But don't call us when you want to sell your blood- we don't do that.  Call the Red Cross for that. 

Optima Tax Relief, the Movie?

 

Not only is there a playlist that someone set up just in case there are insane people* out there who want to watch almost a FULL HOUR of scofflaws explaining how they were rescued by the consequences of their own actions, but it includes TWENTY-EIGHT EPISODES, presumably each involving a different person's "I committed a felony and kept committing a felony and I was so worried I'd get caught one day" story.

My only regret is that comments are disabled, so I have no way of knowing if anyone has ever watched the entire playlist.  I'm certainly not going to try to do it myself; my rage meter would break way before I got halfway through the "listen to my story about how I got away with being a tax cheat/freeloader, fellow citizens" Tales of Second Chances (which no doubt have turned into a need for Third and Fourth Chances within a few years after Optima Tax provided undeserved "relief.")

*Or maybe someone put this playlist together for the benefit of this page?  If so, um...thank you, I guess?

Just add this to every commercial for pharmaceutical products from now on.

I mean, it won't work most of the time- for example, all of these side effects are still more tolerable to a lot of people than a balanced, sensible diet and exercise- but who knows, maybe a small handful of people out there will think twice before popping a daily pill to deal with something that really isn't a problem but Hey It's Covered By My Insurance So Why Not What Has My Liver Done for me Lately Anyway?