Domino's "Emergency Pizza" Offer for when life is a mild struggle for several consecutive seconds.

 

This guy lives in an enormous house with an enormous kitchen and has purchased all the ingredients he needs to make himself a pizza.  But he experiences a few seconds of inconvenience trying to get the jar of sauce open, so....all that planning gets tossed aside in favor of hitting the Dominos Pizza App on his phone and just getting a generic pile of bland warm garbage delivered to his house instead.

Why was this guy even trying to make his own pizza if he already had the Dominos App?  Did he get the notion that he might actually like to eat a real pizza with actual flavor?  Does he have a significant other who asked him to please please please just COOK something for once instead of greeting him/her/they/zee/zir/dragonself/whatthef-ever with another delightful delivery bag of processed overpriced junk when (insert pronoun here) walks through the door?  And this is the level of effort this guy is willing to make?  Ten seconds with a jar?

What is he going to do with all those ingredients now?  Do they just go into the trash can?  Lesson learned- preparing your own food is a waste of time and anti-Capitalism anyway so don't do it, let Big Engineered Food do the work?  Ok then...

The Inevitable Downfall of Professional Sports is right around the corner

 

In 1994, baseball took a major hit in popularity after its second major player's strike in just over a decade.  Ironically, it took a steroid-fueled home run race to bring the game back into the public consciousness.  The subsequent doping issue ruined a number of careers and will keep several of the players at the top of the home run record list out of the Hall of Fame (Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Rafael Palmeiro...none of these guys are getting in, ever.)

Baseball survived the Black Sox gambling scandal of 1919, probably because it had such limited competition in the world of entertainment and because it seemed to involve only one team.  

Today, gambling has become the financial driver of televised sports.  Entire pre and post-game programs are sponsored exclusively by gambling programs- FanDuel, SportsKings, etc.  ESPN scrolls the odds for pretty much every event almost 24/7.  Gambling takes up at least as much of the ad space as alcohol, cars and medications for skin conditions and diabetes.  It's a multi-billion dollar industry fueled by an addictive behavior sold to the audience by the most familiar faces in Hollywood and sports itself (David Ortiz, what the hell are you doing shilling this crap?)

Let's be real here.  It's only a matter of time before this house of cards comes crashing down with "shocking" news of point-shaving, phantom injuries, bizarre, game-changing plays, mysterious umpire and referee calls, etc.   It's only a matter of time before a major scandal We Couldn't See Coming Because We Didn't Want To tars all of professional sports to the point that it can't recover and becomes attractive only to people who like their games as scripted as professional wrestling. 

Professional Sports has sold its soul to the drug of unlimited money flowing from the pockets of addicts.  Unless the Feds step in and ban gambling apps and the sponsorship of professional sports by gambling houses, the crash is coming, and this time, I don't think pro sports recovers.  I think it really will be the end this time.  There are just too many non-sports entertainment options out there now.  

Pro sports had a great run, but there are only so many times it can sabotage itself for quick profits before it finally kills off that golden goose.  Gambling WILL be the destruction of professional sports.  Bet on it. 

Let's be honest, FanDuel....

 

1.  You did not want to make this ad.  You'd much rather put that money into paying Kevin Hart and Jamie Foxx and ESPN hosts to blather about how SuperAwesomeAmazingFunAndEasy gambling on sporting events is.  A "system?"  Yeah, the only system you're interested in is the one that provides the App and takes the money.  

2.  "I set up a one hour a week time limit on FanDuel."  First, you have to set this up- it's not the default.  The default is to stay on as long as you want.  And what happens if you want to go beyond that time limit?  Is it just a matter of turning it off like the "Do Not Disturb" option on your phone.  I'll give you +400 that it is.  That's a joke.

Is an hour a week a long time to be spending making bets?  Isn't the whole program super-easy to navigate?  If you decide how you want to bet in advance, it seems to me that an hour means a lot of placing of a lot of bets.

3.  "I set limits so I only bet what I can afford."  Yeah, right.  Who decides what a gambling addict "can afford?"  Isn't this like trusting a drunk to limit his alcohol consumption?  How many smokers successfully "limit" themselves to a certain number of cigarettes per day?  And again- how powerful is the "lock" an individual places on his maximum?  Is that "limit" just a swipe away from vanishing when the itch becomes too strong not to scratch?

And the image of two men who obviously live in substantial suburban homes, obviously intended to send the message that gambling is something that financially stable, SUCCESSFUL guys do with no impact on their financial stability...ok then.

Come on, FanDuel.  There's no safe level of heroin intake.  You can't play Russian Roulette "in moderation."  The only "safety feature" you can add to your phone is one that prevents gambling apps from being downloaded.  Like Thermonuclear War, the only winning move is....not to play. 

This Marcos Pizza Commercial offers free delivery with a side of diabetes.

 

Lady, you should be thinking of Macros, not Marcos.  The last thing you need is another evening of sitting on your couch eating yourself into a carbohydrate coma with cheap delivery pizza.  How about hitting the gym before eating a meal made up mostly of protein (and no, the cheese on the pizza doesn't count as protein?)  In short, a healthy diet and exercise should be the only "routine" you should be working on.  Pizza delivered to your couch should not be a "routine" for ANYBODY.

And buddy?  If you really care for this woman, stop being her enabler and encourage her to take steps that will lead her to living a healthier, happier and longer life.  Start by deleting the Marco's Pizza app from your phone.  And all the fast-food delivery service apps from your phone.  You'll both thank me later. 

The story that Jardiance has to tell....

 

...is the story of America itself.  We are a fat, lazy, stupid people who spend way, way too much time sitting on our ample backsides staring at screens (even at home, where our number one activity is to watch other people do things on television or our laptops) and then complaining that we "don't have time" to eat healthy.

Look at this commercial again.  Every single person in it is overweight.  The women who are not morbidly obese are certainly Overweight according to the Evil Evil Racist Body Mass Index.  The men all have pot bellies, which means they are considered "straight sized" and probably pass as "slim" in most communities today.   But if you compare this to an office scene captured on tape in the 1970s, you'd see the difference is pretty damn stark.  Fat is now Normal.  And it's not a problem to be solved with a healthy diet and exercise, but with a little pill with a "great big story to tell."  Um, ok then. 

This depressing Swiffer Commercial

 

I see a lot of people commenting how much they like the vibe of this ad; the infectious smile of this girl, her energy as she moves from room to room with her favorite cleaning utensil, the way her eyes widen in amazement as she notes how much of her hair she picked up this time....

Me being Me, I'm more concerned that this woman is losing so much of her hair every freaking time washes and dries it.  What kind of drugs is she on that is making this much hair loss a common thing for her?  Is she literally yanking it out with the towel?  Also, if I lost anywhere near as much hair as this woman did I sure as heck wouldn't pick BLINDING WHITE as my house's color scheme.

One more thing- for chrissakes lady, go out and make some friends.  There's more to life than dusting.  You enjoy this way too much.  Get some help.

A Blast from the Past with this thoroughly out of date Heineken Commercial

 

I'm sorry, but who the hell meets a blind date at their OWN APARTMENT?  This woman seems pretty cute (if prone to snap judgments and indecisiveness.)  She can find guys out in the Real World.  But she not only agrees to a blind date, but she gives the guy her address, has him show up at her place, and immediately offers him a beer- isn't he going to take her out to dinner?  Holy crap, did she make him dinner, too?  What is going on here?  Is this woman still single?  How do I get her to call me?

Who is the male ad writer who came up with this fantasy nonsense?  There are very good reasons why none of this happens in real life.  For one thing, it simply shouldn't.  How STUPID would a woman have to be to have a blind date meet her at her apartment instead of a public place, and instantly offer him alcohol instead of heading out the door?  Is this woman's biological clock ticking THAT loudly?

What is the plan for tonight?  Sit around the apartment, talk and drink beer?  That's a nice activity when you've established yourselves as a couple.  Except for the talking part, it's remarkably like being married.  But a FIRST DATE?  This woman is dressed to the nines, too.  Who is she trying to impress?  Her cat?  

What happens if the date goes badly?  How does she get rid of this guy?  He's already in your place.  He's already got alcohol in you- thanks to your own situational blindless and almost criminal naivete. Even if he leaves quietly, he knows where you live now.  NOTHING about this situation comes off as something arranged by a mature, sensible adult female.  Yet she's trying to decide if he is worthy of the "good" beer in the fridge.  And that's another thing- who are the other two beers for?  Is she doing this again later tonight?  Does she have already have a boyfriend who is out for the night that she's cheating on?  

No kidding.  WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?