I can't relate to hotel commercials....

 

I stay at hotels for exactly two reasons:  either I'm on my way from one place to someplace else, and I need a place to rest roughly halfway between those two destinations, or there's something I need or want to do nearby that is going to take multiple days and I'd rather not sleep in the park.

In the first instance, the hotel is always going to be in Northern New Jersey or Southern New York, because I'm driving from the DC suburbs to Vermont and I'm sixty years old and my back hurts and the days of driving all day (or all night!) to get the 550 miles is just too much for me so lay off.  It's a place off the Thruway for me to recuperate from traffic and avoid driving at night.  In the second instance, the hotel is going to be in some city I'd never even think of visiting if I wasn't getting paid to do work in the area- Louisville Kentucky, or Tampa Florida, or Kansas City Missouri.  Again, it's just a place to sleep.  I didn't even turn on the tv when I was in KC last week.  The gym was really nice though, and they kept it open 24/7 for us.  Or I'm on a tour overseas- and in those cases the hotels tend to be nice-but-not-too-nice-because budget.   But I digress.  In all cases, the hotel is just a building with a bed and a pillow and a shower and that's pretty much it. 

I don't get these Celebrations of a Hotel I am Excited to Be In commercials.  At all.  I don't travel so I can stay at a hotel.  I stay at a hotel because it's kind of a requirement of travel.  These ads always make it look like families take Vacations to LaQuinta Inn or something.  Someone to explain this to me, because I find it super-bizarre.  Simply put:  In my opinion, hotels are necessities that allow you to do the stuff you really want to do.  They aren't ends in themselves.  Am I wrong?  Do these ads make sense to anyone out there?

Kars for Kids is Kringey Krap.

 

(Why would I want to donate to provide cars for kids?  Should they be driving?  I don't want any of these awful children behind the wheel of something that weighs several tons and can move at high speeds, unless they promise to disengage the air bags and refrain from using seat belts at least.  Besides, I've seen enough Lexus December to Remember commercials to know that if kids this age want cars, they should just ask their mommy and daddy- errr, I mean, Santa.)

These ads will never be as loathsome on television as Joe Namath pitching terrible health insurance in the guise of "extra" Medicare benefits, but they have to be the most painful ear worm on radio.  None of these kids deserved to be exploited by their parents like this, and all of them should be eligible for the Witness Protection Program until they've aged out of being recognizable. 

I don't have kids, but I think if I did this ad would make me wish that the offer worked both ways- can I trade the kids in for a car?  I mean, "kar?"

At "BK," it's never been cheaper to kill yourself

 

When you feel ready for a heart attack

Drop by our place for a fatty snack

Cause common sense is what you lack

here's death that fits in your hand!

Sit in your car at the drive in window

don't think about what you're doing though

don't want your critical thinking skills to mess with your head

At B....K....

throw health away

YOU'RE DUMB!

There's so much awful about this Audi Commercial...

 

...that it's still worth commenting on 11 years after it's release.

1.  This kid has a Dad, Mom and Bratty Little Sister from Central Casting.  Seriously, why is this a bad commercial and not a bad sitcom?

2.  Dad tosses the keys to the Audi and gives his son a look that I can only translate to "get laid tonight."  Ok, so dad is ready to be a grandfather?  Because I didn't see him tell the kid "there are condoms in the glove compartment."  

3.  This kid drives to the prom- by himself- looking like he's taken an entire bottle of Viagra washed down with a gallon of Liquid Testosterone.  Does he think his father feels this way every time he drives the family LookAtMeMobile to the office?  I mean come on, what the hell?

4.  The kid is so confident because he drove an Audi to the prom that he sexually assaults the prom queen.  I'd say this is So 2013 except it's really So 1983.  I mean, this was a problematic message by the turn of the century.  In 2013?  Come on.

5.  The kid himself gets assaulted by the prom king- and then just....leaves.  He drives home in the Audi, with a look of triumph on his face.  Um, triumph over what?  As near as we can tell, he drove dateless to the prom, assaulted a girl, got assaulted, and left.  What's he going to do with the rest of his night?  I'm guessing he spends it in front of the computer bleating very inflated and not very recognizable versions of his evening to the pre-Tiktok internet.  This is inspiring?

5. What, no slow clap?  Maybe this ISN'T 1983 after all. 

Where I'll be until June 8- the Westin at Crown Center in Kansas City!

 

So I'll be off to score Advanced Placement exams for the 16th straight year (well, I've scored them for 16 years, but for reasons I don't care to get into I did it online for two straight years a while back.  2020 and 2021 to be exact.  You'll figure it out.)

And this year we have a new city as our host.  From 2008 through 2016 we were in Louisville Kentucky, then in 2017 we were in Tampa, then back to Louisville, for one year, then Tampa again, then online scoring, then Tampa again, and now Kansas City.  I've never been to KC but I'll be arriving pretty early on Saturday morning and hope to catch a few of the sites, maybe take a trip to the Truman Library (the World War I museum is staying open late for us on Wednesday so I will cross that off the list later.)  A Royals game is a possibility next Friday, we'll see.  

My hotel is a full mile from the convention center where I'll be working from 8 to 5 for seven straight days, giving every essay that shows up on my laptop a fair and honest read to the best of my ability.  So it will be easier than ever to get my steps in, and I expect to complete the annual "Lazy Marathon" in record time this year...

See you when I get back- until then, enjoy the archives and click a few ads if you want to contribute!  I should get SOME benefit out of commercials, after all!

Remember this when ESPN is reporting the huge gambling scandal in sports in 3....2....1....

 

This is the top "story" on ESPN's NBA page leading up to tonight's Timberwolves-Mavericks game-  A podcast on how to optimize your bets on the game.

Hey ESPN, look up the word "complicit."  Then memorize the definition.

This is not going to end well.  I'm just waiting for the Pikachu faces when it all blows up.  

Despicable Me 4, Volkswagen, and another Crap Crossover ad nobody asked for.

 

There are crossovers, and there are crossovers....we've seen the Lorax used to sell Denny's (or was it IHOP?  I don't actually remember, even though I made a post about it at the time.)  Star Wars used to sell some other truck.  Deadpool used to sell Slurpees.  And so it goes.

Then there is this ad, featuring the characters from a cute little movie that turned into a megahit way back in 2010 with a heartwarming little story that parents and kids could both appreciate.  Remember those innocent days, before Illumination decided to take the minion characters and turn them into the most god-awful obnoxious franchise since Ever?  We've had something like six movies which have become more and more minion-centered as they've regressed, including one that was simply entitled "Minions" and was entirely about, well, you know.

I don't want to see any more of these movies (I saw the first two.  Thought the first one was sweet.  Thought the second one was totally unnecessary and dumb.  And now I'm done, because I value my brain cells.)  I don't want to see them at the theater, and I sure as hell don't want to see them on my TV witlessly pitching Volkswagen as if Gru doesn't already have a very cool, three-story high car with a rocket propulsion system (see, I can still remember the first movie.)  Just...stop this.  Please.