An open letter to Toyota during it's "The One" Sales Event

Simply put:  Please, just....stop.

The idea that anyone would be this jacked at buying a freaking TOYOTA is downright laughable.  Or, at least, it would be laughable if it wasn't so pathetic.  It's bad enough that you've got a family taking selfies with a salesman.  But you've got another guy doing a dance and another who has acquired a bottle of champagne somewhere and is now spraying himself like he just won Game of the Freaking World Series instead of signing a contract to hand Toyota several hundreds of dollars a month for several years on top of thousands of dollars down- what the actual hell?  You didn't win anything, my dude.  You didn't beat out a hundred other people- or even ONE other person- to make the Deal of the Lifetime and convince the dealership to hand you the keys to a car because You're Awesome.  You signed.  A freaking.  Contract.  And the moment you did, that salesman stopped giving a damn about you and started wondering when you were going to get the hell out of his way, drive the hell off the lot, and let him move on to the next sucker.  That you left him a wet mess to clean up just makes you an asshat on top of being a ridiculous Consumer who probably beeps the horn in celebration when he's handed his 2-for-1 deal in the Wendy's Drive-Thru.

Seriously, Toyota.  What the hell?

Nissan Rogue's Google Command- "Safety First?"

 

Nissan Rogue's Google Command was allegedly installed so that the driver could keep his "hands on the wheel."  Which is about as cynical as Nissan could possibly get, considering that this vehicle is jammed full of so many distracting bells and whistles that the very last thing that's going to get any attention is the actual road.

"Keep your hands on the wheel, while your brain wanders around Facebook, emails, text messages, SiriusXM, and everything except what's in front of you as you maneuver several tons of steel and chrome and fiberglass at high speeds through neighborhoods where actual human beings are active with a smug, self-important, self-satisfied look on your stupid face.  Because we care, or something."

What an absolute load of crap.  

Discover a New Level of Dumb

 

I have two questions for the writers of this Discover Card Commercial.

1.  Why did this woman call the Discover Card Help Line in the middle of the night?  She never has any question other than some version of "are you really not a sophisticated robot?"  If I were the person in the Help Center, I'd be asking why she called, not assuring her that I'm not Artificial Intelligence.  Instead, she seems perfectly happy to have a pointless "prove your not a robot" conversation with a total stranger on the phone.  

2.  Assuming this really is supposed to be comedy....as a consumer of this commercial where, exactly, am I supposed to, you know, LAUGH?  Because this isn't funny.  It's just dumb.  Like the title of this blog post says.  It's just dumb.  And "just dumb" does not equal Funny.  Not in my world. 

Another Ode to Skyrizi

 

 

Hey everybody look at me

not in constant need for a place to pee!

From my toes down to my bones

I've got control of moderate Crohn's

So my life's not in a rut

I'm not a pain in the butt

Always finding things to do

not forever looking for the loo

 demented smile on my face

as I travel all over the place

don't sweep my problems under the rug

instead I take this dangerous drug

It may someday cause the death of me

but (again) at least I don't have to pee!

Oh Oh Oh more fun with Ozempic!

 

2024's favorite medication to hate on is still going strong....I wouldn't be surprised if TIME Magazine makes Ozempic it's "Event of the Year" come December....

I picked this ad to snark on in particular because I think it perfectly represents one of the biggest controversies concerning celebrities and Tiktok "influencers" and their "weight loss journeys."  This woman is doing her very best to convince us that she's engaged in an active lifestyle as her main strategy for engaging in weight loss- she may or may not mention diet, hard to tell over the loud music and quick cuts- but the message we are getting is that Ozempic is just a minor tool in the toolbox that finally allows her to benefit from all that exercise she's been getting all along.  She does cardio boxing, y'all.  She dances.  She's not a couch potato who monopolizes the mobility scooter at Walmart in between bingeing on Netflix.  She's a victim of her genetics and Food Noise or whatever else you want to throw in there as the It's Not Her Fault card.  If life were fair, she'd be super skinny because she's always on the move.  Ozempic is just there to level the playing field.

Yeah no.  Excess adipose tissue doesn't develop by magic, and nobody's body violates the law of conservation of matter.  In Europe, "calories" are actually referred to as "energy" on food labels.  We should do that over here in order to at least try to stop this nonsense fantasy that food is only a minor contribution to weight.  Take in more energy than you burn, and that energy gets stored as fat.  PERIOD.  And a 10-second "cardio" workout isn't going to do much to burn that fat.  

You can't outrun a bad diet, but you also don't need to exercise at all to lose weight- you simply need to consume less Energy than you take in.  I encourage the woman in this ad to keep moving, but she's taking Ozempic so that the extra activity does not result in increased appetite and then consumption of excess Energy which voids the effect of the increased activity.  I object to the "I'm Active and Should Be Slim but the Cards were Stacked against Me" bit- it's a serious delusion that isn't going to help anyone if they eventually need to go off Ozempic.  We'll just have to wait to see how this all plays out.  I'll be watching. 

Random Rants about British Airways, Dulles Airport, and the still-lousy part of travel

 

Let's hit British Airways first:

1.  Know how insulting it is to pay $20 for a seat in a movie theater and then be asked to sit through several commercials before the coming attractions start?  Well, imagine paying $1000 for a seat on an airplane and be forced to watch the same six commercials in a row before you're allowed to watch the film you selected from your screen.  And if you pause and look at something else and want to go resume the first thing you were watching, well, guess what?  You have to watch those same six commercials in their entirety again.  

(Oh, and if I may include a 1(b)- British Airways no longer hands out Dollar Store headphones to allow you to actually hear the film you are watching as well as see it.  Maybe you can request them, maybe you just have to bring your own- I don't know, I had my own anyway, but talk about finding a new level of miserly.)  

2.  This isn't unique to British Airways, but they are who I flew last week so I'm going to pick on them for this:  Having to hear a special "welcome" to the people in Business Class or Platinum Members or some Frequent Fliers Club from the pilot along with an "invitation" to join that Very Special Group of People for a very high price.  We already feel like extra baggage sitting over here in steerage, thanks for the reminder that we're just necessary evils to you.

3.  British Airways boards by Group Number because Capitalism, and they'll announce Groups 1 through 4 with considerable fanfare, including jokes from the guy looking at your boarding pass and passport (jokes that got old fast and were completely ignored by the frustrated, sweaty, tired mob that just wanted to get to their seat Shut Up and Scan my Stuff Already.)  If you're sitting in groups 5-9, well, you're supposed to just know when to board, if you really insist on boarding and making the plane crowded for those Special People in groups 1-4.

4.  The repeated emails trying to convince me that if I didn't sign up for an ESTA Visa within 72 hours of departure from Europe I would not be allowed back into the United States.  I'm an American, British Airways.  I don't need a Visa.    Stop trying to convince me to fill out a form and give you $21 to get back into my country.  And that's a good segue into my complaints concerning Dulles Airport:

1.  It took me longer to get home from Dulles to the Maryland Suburbs than it took for me to get from Palermo to London.  This was mainly due to the ridiculous, serpentine line I had to stand in before I could show some guy in a uniform my passport and get his permission to to re-enter my country by telling him why I left in the first place.  There were more than 30 stations but only six were open for Passport checks.  Ugh.

2.  When I got to the Baggage Claim Area, some Official Person thought it would be more convenient for everyone if all of the luggage from our flight was taken off the carousel and stacked into a giant pile for us to pick over.  I had to shove aside several large suitcases in order to dig out mine.  Yeah, this was MUCH better than just taking it off the moving belt.  Thanks, Dulles!

3.  Lack of signs pointing to the Silver Line.  I had to walk toward "Ground Transportation" for several minutes before I saw the word "Metro."  Hey Dulles, the Silver Line is a great innovation that should make use of Dulles easier for everyone.  But only if we can find it.  Who decided to limit the number of signs pointing out the Silver Line?  Was it Uber or Lyft?

Parting gift before my vacation- another look at the US Money Reserve!

 

"I wanted to leave something for my children and grandchildren..."

That's a nice house you've got there, which suggests to me that you've got SOME idea of what a good investment is. Which makes me wonder why you fell for this stupid gold scam.  But then you say...

"When I first looked into gold as an investment, the first thing I saw was the president....Philip Diehl....he was manager of the Mint.  So I thought, 'this guy knows what he's doing..."

Oh, he knows what he's doing, all right.  He's taking an impressive-looking title and using it to sell a truly awful investment strategy that makes him rich off the backs of gullible seniors like the narrator.  The commercial tells us so- a YEAR after he retired from his "historic six-year term" he founded  (or sold his name to) this company that sells gold.  We are told that he was director of the mint during the 50-state quarter program, which I guess means he figured out that people still like to collect coins with pretty pictures on them, and if they'll collect pieces of tin and plastic of no real value, imagine how much they'll pay for gold!

"I lost half my money in 2008..." um, may I ask how?  Nobody lost bank deposits in 2008.  Nobody has lost bank deposits since 1933.  The only people who lost money in the stock market in 2008 were the ones who sold their stock.  Is that what you did?

"...meanwhile, the price of gold went up!"  Yeah, and what's it's value today compared to 2008? Well, I did the work so you don't have to (and, speaking to this lady, apparently didn't:  the price of gold on December 1, 2008 was $883 per ounce.  Today, it's $2350 per ounce.  Wow, it's almost TRIPLED.  Pretty impressive, huh?

Well no, not at all, actually.  This woman sneers at investing in the Stock Market.  Guess what the Dow Jones Industrial Average was on December 1, 2008?  It closed at 10,917.  The last business day before I wrote this post, the Dow closed at just under 39,000- almost QUADRUPLE what it was in 2008.  

"If I just put cash in the bank, over the time it's like it doesn't go up at all.  It's almost like nothing."  Yeah, that's called inflation and let's stop pretending this is a binary choice- stick your cash in a bank, or buy gold.  It's not.  Know what else is a good investment?  Land.  The median home price in December 2008 was $185,000.  Today it's just under $410,000.  Sounds like a real good place to put your money.  I bet even Philip Diehl owns a house.  Hell, he probably owns several- he's got well-meaning idiots like you sending him your money.