The Evil Genius of LinkedIn Ads (Part I)

(Because this definitely qualifies as it's own series....)

In an era of US History in which it has never been more difficult to find qualified applicants to fill ANY job, be it office manager, gas station convenience store attendant or Starbucks barista, LinkedIn pounds the audience with ads featuring hopeful, starry-eyed, out-of-work millennials trying to find ways to stand out from the crowd as they pursue their dreams of an entry-level salary at a mindless, fill-in-the-blank drone corporation.  All of their commercials feature the same people wearing very nice, expensive-looking clothing, getting themselves ready for their interviews in very large, upscale apartments or houses, and heading off hoping to be picked out from all of the hundreds or even thousands of like-minded, equally qualified go-getters who want nothing more than to put 150 percent effort in to achieving success for The Corporation.

This is a bizarre fantasy that pretends that we are still living in the pre-COVID world and not the one which gave us free money in the form of stimulus payments (whether we needed them or not) and birthed a new era of pro-Union and life-is-more-than-work-I-will-not-be-a-sucker-like-my-parents attitudes and, above all, an understanding that Your Dream Is Not My Dream If You Want Me To Work PAY ME that has shuffled the deck for the first time since the French Revolution.  But I'll expand on that in a future chapter.  For now, I'll just reiterate that as much as businesses would like to deny it, the unemployment rate is almost zero and there are no hungry masses yearning to be your wage serfs knocking each other over for an interview in your office, Sorry Not Sorry (as the cool kids say.)

Optima Tax Relief- remember, everybody, Louie is supposed to be the VICTIM here....

 

"The IRS finally caught up to Louie..." after eight years of Louie avoiding paying his fair share for living in a society financed by other people's money, Louie got caught.  So not only was Louie not contributing, but he put an extra burden on society by making the government use precious resources to track him down and require him to accept responsibility like an adult.  

Except, Louie doesn't accept responsibility like an adult.  After telling us straight out that he avoided paying taxes for eight years, he starts whining about the consequences of his actions..."THEY are going to take my house, THEY are going to garnish my paycheck, THEY don't care..." Louie acts like a kid who has been caught shoplifting- "they put me in the back of a police car, they took me to the station, they charged me with a crime, like they don't care that I have things to do and this could have an impact on my life!"  No hint that he recognizes the percentage of fault that belongs to him (100 percent, btw.)

I guess Louie was really upset that he got caught - "Optima Tax Relief calmed me down, they made me feel comfortable."  Yeah, that's the important thing- that you feel "comfortable."  The shoplifter should be apologized to repeatedly by the police officer on the way to the station.  Maybe given a Comfort Animal to pet or something.

"I was able to live a better life, a more comfortable life...." there again we have that word "comfortable."  Most of us feel "comfortable" because we know we aren't cheating our way through the years, avoiding paying taxes because it's not convenient.  We feel "comfortable" when we live within our means and pay our bills- and that includes paying income tax owed.  And those of us who AREN'T children don't harbor resentment at the authorities when we skip out on paying our legitimate share of the burden and then get caught.  Grow up, Louie.

Louie got relief with Optima Tax when he probably should have spent time in jail.  Crimes without Consequences come from Laws not worth Respecting.  Why are the vast majority of us paying our bills on time, allowing the system to function correctly, when Louie and his ilk can just skate through his responsibilities with a smile on his face and a chuckle in his voice?

Louie is a terrible person who should be ashamed of himself, but anyone who can boldly declare that he's a crook who didn't make any effort to repair his ways until he was caught has obviously tossed aside his shame as an annoying relic of the past that simply doesn't apply to him Because Reasons.  Judging from the sound of his voice he hasn't learned a damn thing and he's going to be in trouble with the Mean Old IRS again in no time at all.   Maybe Optima Tax Relief will hire him to give us another whinefest like this one.  I'll be ready. 

An open letter to Toyota during it's "The One" Sales Event

Simply put:  Please, just....stop.

The idea that anyone would be this jacked at buying a freaking TOYOTA is downright laughable.  Or, at least, it would be laughable if it wasn't so pathetic.  It's bad enough that you've got a family taking selfies with a salesman.  But you've got another guy doing a dance and another who has acquired a bottle of champagne somewhere and is now spraying himself like he just won Game of the Freaking World Series instead of signing a contract to hand Toyota several hundreds of dollars a month for several years on top of thousands of dollars down- what the actual hell?  You didn't win anything, my dude.  You didn't beat out a hundred other people- or even ONE other person- to make the Deal of the Lifetime and convince the dealership to hand you the keys to a car because You're Awesome.  You signed.  A freaking.  Contract.  And the moment you did, that salesman stopped giving a damn about you and started wondering when you were going to get the hell out of his way, drive the hell off the lot, and let him move on to the next sucker.  That you left him a wet mess to clean up just makes you an asshat on top of being a ridiculous Consumer who probably beeps the horn in celebration when he's handed his 2-for-1 deal in the Wendy's Drive-Thru.

Seriously, Toyota.  What the hell?

Nissan Rogue's Google Command- "Safety First?"

 

Nissan Rogue's Google Command was allegedly installed so that the driver could keep his "hands on the wheel."  Which is about as cynical as Nissan could possibly get, considering that this vehicle is jammed full of so many distracting bells and whistles that the very last thing that's going to get any attention is the actual road.

"Keep your hands on the wheel, while your brain wanders around Facebook, emails, text messages, SiriusXM, and everything except what's in front of you as you maneuver several tons of steel and chrome and fiberglass at high speeds through neighborhoods where actual human beings are active with a smug, self-important, self-satisfied look on your stupid face.  Because we care, or something."

What an absolute load of crap.  

Discover a New Level of Dumb

 

I have two questions for the writers of this Discover Card Commercial.

1.  Why did this woman call the Discover Card Help Line in the middle of the night?  She never has any question other than some version of "are you really not a sophisticated robot?"  If I were the person in the Help Center, I'd be asking why she called, not assuring her that I'm not Artificial Intelligence.  Instead, she seems perfectly happy to have a pointless "prove your not a robot" conversation with a total stranger on the phone.  

2.  Assuming this really is supposed to be comedy....as a consumer of this commercial where, exactly, am I supposed to, you know, LAUGH?  Because this isn't funny.  It's just dumb.  Like the title of this blog post says.  It's just dumb.  And "just dumb" does not equal Funny.  Not in my world. 

Another Ode to Skyrizi

 

 

Hey everybody look at me

not in constant need for a place to pee!

From my toes down to my bones

I've got control of moderate Crohn's

So my life's not in a rut

I'm not a pain in the butt

Always finding things to do

not forever looking for the loo

 demented smile on my face

as I travel all over the place

don't sweep my problems under the rug

instead I take this dangerous drug

It may someday cause the death of me

but (again) at least I don't have to pee!

Oh Oh Oh more fun with Ozempic!

 

2024's favorite medication to hate on is still going strong....I wouldn't be surprised if TIME Magazine makes Ozempic it's "Event of the Year" come December....

I picked this ad to snark on in particular because I think it perfectly represents one of the biggest controversies concerning celebrities and Tiktok "influencers" and their "weight loss journeys."  This woman is doing her very best to convince us that she's engaged in an active lifestyle as her main strategy for engaging in weight loss- she may or may not mention diet, hard to tell over the loud music and quick cuts- but the message we are getting is that Ozempic is just a minor tool in the toolbox that finally allows her to benefit from all that exercise she's been getting all along.  She does cardio boxing, y'all.  She dances.  She's not a couch potato who monopolizes the mobility scooter at Walmart in between bingeing on Netflix.  She's a victim of her genetics and Food Noise or whatever else you want to throw in there as the It's Not Her Fault card.  If life were fair, she'd be super skinny because she's always on the move.  Ozempic is just there to level the playing field.

Yeah no.  Excess adipose tissue doesn't develop by magic, and nobody's body violates the law of conservation of matter.  In Europe, "calories" are actually referred to as "energy" on food labels.  We should do that over here in order to at least try to stop this nonsense fantasy that food is only a minor contribution to weight.  Take in more energy than you burn, and that energy gets stored as fat.  PERIOD.  And a 10-second "cardio" workout isn't going to do much to burn that fat.  

You can't outrun a bad diet, but you also don't need to exercise at all to lose weight- you simply need to consume less Energy than you take in.  I encourage the woman in this ad to keep moving, but she's taking Ozempic so that the extra activity does not result in increased appetite and then consumption of excess Energy which voids the effect of the increased activity.  I object to the "I'm Active and Should Be Slim but the Cards were Stacked against Me" bit- it's a serious delusion that isn't going to help anyone if they eventually need to go off Ozempic.  We'll just have to wait to see how this all plays out.  I'll be watching.