Point of Personal Privilege: "Baby Boom" was the most contrived film of the 1980s

 

As late as the Reagan Era, Hollywood could produce movies in which career women learn the error of their ways and come to appreciate the simple pleasures of Motherhood, giving up the rat race for raising a child and dating the local veterinarian who is also Sam Shepard.  Ok then.  So why is this film so eye-rollingly insulting to anyone paying attention?

1.  Babies can be left to virtual strangers living on the other side of the planet through the simple use of a Last Will and Testament.  Diane Keaton's character "inherits" a baby because she's the closest living relative and that's just the way it works so shut up and be glad that this only happens in movies and you don't really have to worry that your distant cousins whom you've never met have assigned children you also haven't met to you.  It's not going to happen.  I don't think.

2.  Super-sharp "Tiger Lady" business woman buys a house totally unseen in a place she's never been and leaves the city to go live in that house without getting it inspected or securing any kind of warranty. 

3.  Turns out that she's moved into what I wanted to call a Hallmark Channel version of a Vermont town, except that this film predates the first version of the Hallmark Channel by six years.  So instead, I'm going to call Baby Boom the inspiration for every Hallmark Channel Vermont Town.  Drawling yokel locals, a veterinarian who is also the local doctor, idiot tourists buying everything that has Made In Vermont stamped on it- oh wait, that part is accurate...

4.  Diane Keaton's character supposedly made big-time money in New York that allowed her to reside in a massive Manhattan apartment, but in a manner of months after moving to Vermont she's dead broke.  How much did she pay for that house where a few thousand dollars in repairs leaves her destitute?  

5.  Remember how Diane Keaton's character was supposed to be a razor-sharp businesswoman who ran multiple ad campaigns at the same time in NYC?  Well, maybe it's the weather or the lack of skyscrapers or something because when she decides she wants to try to sell boiled applesauce labeled "baby food" she goes to the local library to ask for all the material they have on consumer trends and baby boomers, exactly as if she were a single mom with absolutely zero experience in the business world.  Why isn't she just putting her education to work? Why is she behaving like she has no idea how to sell a product when that was literally HER JOB back in NYC?

6.  This character doesn't need information on consumerism or the spending habits of baby boomers.  She needs information concerning health codes and why the Food and Drug Administration tends to frown on the mass production of food products in home kitchens, especially when those kitchens are in homes with unreliable water sources and holes in the roof.  Child Protective Services might also be interested in a woman who takes a baby out on a rowboat with neither she nor the baby wearing lifejackets.  The local Psych ward might also be interested in talking to her when they realize that she's regularly leaving her baby alone while she takes an obvious plastic doll out on the lake...

7.  Ok, exactly how much time passes between this woman inheriting this baby, quitting her job, moving to Vermont, establishing a business, seeing that business become front-page news throughout the nation, and ultimately becoming SO successful that she's offered a ridiculously generous contract by her old employers?  It SEEMS to take a while, since she arrives in Vermont in what looks like summertime, survives a winter, and later goes to a dance clearly set in autumn- but that baby doesn't seem to age a single day for the entire length of the film.  She can't crawl or stand or talk when we first meet her and there's no evidence she can do any of those things at the end.  So what is going on here?  Why isn't this baby aging AT ALL?  Did Diane Keaton quit her job in NYC on Monday, move to Vermont on Tuesday, break under the strain of modest home repair on Wednesday, start selling apple sauce on Thursday, hit the cover of The Wall Street Journal on Friday and get her huge offer back in NYC the next day?  Should I just ignore what appears to be the passage of time presented in a montage and figure that in her case "Overnight Success" is a literal truth?

Siskel and Ebert, may they RIP,  gave this film two thumbs-up.  They found it funny and engaging and forgave the fact that it's dripping with twee throughout.  So did I, when I first saw it.  But my ability to suspend my sense of disbelief has faded with age, and there's too much here that is dumb, predictable and, yes, Contrived.  Maybe the biggest problem with this film is that it's So Damn 80s I can't just turn my brain off and go with it anymore.  I suggest that anyone who wants to revisit this schlock spend a week watching Christmas-themed Hallmark films first in order to smooth out your brain and prepare it for this particular package of predictable pablum.  

Swish Funding: Money for people who are too stupid to be trusted with Money but are the Backbone of America because Reasons.

 

I hear the radio commercials for Swish funding all the time on Sirius XM. They all involve a narrator blowing smoke up some small businessman's ass- "you are an entrepreneur, a trailblazer, one of the 30 million small business owners in the United States.  You wake up every morning thinking about your cash flow, your employees, and your dreams" blah blah blah blah blah.  

First of all, if there are 30 million small business owners in the United States, that means that approximately one in ten Americans (including children) are small business owners.  In other words, you're nothing special, we could do just fine without the vast majority of you, get the hell over yourself.

Second, I suspect that the vast majority of these sacred small business owners are running businesses the rest of us could do just fine without and won't even notice the absence of when they go under, as most do within three years after first opening.  They aren't "trailblazing" if they are providing the same services that existed before they opened up shop and will continue to exist long after they've come to the realization that they need to just go out and get a job.  

Third, I suspect that the figure of 30 million "small business owners" MUST include Multi-Level Marketing grifters.  They all call themselves "small business owners" and/or "CEOs" despite the fact that they actually exist within a pyramid of salespeople making money for the ACTUAL owner of the company.  It's all about stroking that ego and convincing people with no skills and nothing more than a High School Diploma that they can become Boss Babes by playing with their phones and annoying everyone they've ever known with unsolicited "offers" through Facebook and Twitter.

Fourth, there's no shortage of money in the banks for people who have stable cash flow, pay their bills on time and (if they want a LOT of money) have some kind of security to put up in exchange for that cash.  If you're dealing with Swish because you need thousands of dollars quickly, you've already failed as a Small Business Owner.  You're borrowing money at a high interest rate because banks won't touch you.  Ask why this is happening.  The answer will hurt your ego, but it might save you some money.  If I find out that your small business is being funded by Swish I'm going to assume that you don't know what you are doing, just like if I walk into your house and see that your TV and furniture has Rent-A-Center stickers on it I'm going to assume that you are living beyond your means and your credit is in the toilet. 

I've said it before, and I'll say it again:  If you want to call yourself a small businessman, that's fine, but there's no reason for me or anyone else to care about you or your dreams- we're the other 90 percent of Americans who have a stronger grasp of reality and are just going to work and don't need to pretend to be Important Trail-Blazing Entrepreneurs.  And while we're at it, stuff "Small Business Saturday."  You aren't entitled to my money at any time, no matter how much Swish tells you how Super Awesome and Important you are.  

The Better Business Bureau is a Modern Protection Racket

 

And I've said so for years.

Think about it:  An organization with about 2500 employees develops a nationwide reputation for being able to judge ("rate") businesses on a scale from A to F based on...what, exactly?  Well, as I suspected all along- and has been proved through good old fashioned investigatory journalism- the ratings are based on how much money businesses are willing to shell out to get that coveted "A+" rating.  And this method is so successful, that A+ rating is flaunted by the very worst car "warranty" companies, Tax "relief" services, Medicare-ish "insurance," etc. etc. etc.  If Ox Car Care and Home Defender have A+ ratings despite literally thousands of complaints, class action lawsuits, and entire pages on RipoffReport.com exposing their deceptive garbage, who CAN'T get an A+ rating?  Oh right- small companies who aren't willing or able to pay for it. 

This pay-for-play scam used to be associated with big-city political machines, the Mafia, and corrupt cops.  "You gotta nice business here....be a real shame if anything happened to it" being met with a fat envelope filled with cash representing a certain percentage of the proprietor's take for the week.  Today it's much more subtle- sure, your business is doing ok, but how good is it going to do if your competitor has an A+ rating and yours doesn't?  Even worse- what if your competitor has an A+ rating and yours is lower Because Reasons?  This is a problem that can be handled with a sum of money- and all the Better Business Bureau knows about your company is that it paid up.  That makes it worthy of that A+ rating.

All of this is why I call the BBB the biggest scam in advertising- "the Better Business gives us an A+ rating" has the same level of legitimacy as "you can trust me, I'm a good Christian" as far as I'm concerned.  The biggest scam in advertising- and a Modern Protection Racket.  The BBB won't break your legs, just your reputation with the buying public.  Hey, it's up to you, but as I said before, sure'd be a shame if....

The Scammy World of Uber One

 

On my last day of my beach vacation, I got a notification from Uber One that my credit card had been "successfully" charged for an annual membership- $96.  Thing is, I never signed up for Uber One and had no interest in doing so.

So today- my first full day back- I visited the Uber One site to find out how to cancel this "membership" which I guess is supposed to save someone who regularly uses Uber delivery fees and earn cash rewards or whatever, I seriously have used Uber for two rides total and I really can't describe any more clearly how totally uninterested I am in becoming a regular user.  Well, the site brings you on an endless loop of directions on how to get rid of the membership and get a refund- apparently the App USED to have an End Membership button but they removed it because it was making it too easy to remove the membership.  Uber One also makes it very clear that there is no contact number so you will not be able to talk to a human being about this issue or any other issue.  Allegedly there's a chat available but it's so well-hidden that it might as well be non-existent.  

Then I did what everyone does when they can't find an answer to their problem- I looked for a YouTube video explaining how to cancel a membership to Uber One.  Unfortunately, the video I found was six months old and it showed how to navigate to the End Membership option which no longer exists (I only know that it once DID exist because of this video.)*

Finally, I went to the Uber One Facebook page, and surprisingly enough was able to contact Uber through it and cancel the membership and get a refund in about five minutes.  I didn't get out without one more insult from Uber however- a note that said that the membership I never signed up for was being cancelled and my money returned "as a one-time courtesy"- in other words, the next time Uber decides to charge me for something I don't want and didn't ask for, I'm out of luck they are keeping the money go pound sand I guess.  So I decided that I couldn't just get the refund- I had to freeze my credit card, order a new one, and delete the Uber App from my phone.  I'd say "live and learn," but that would imply a level of responsibility I do not feel.  So I'm not going there.  More like "corporations will mug you if they think they can get away with it."

*I left this modest proposal in the comment section of this YouTube video:  The CEOs of every company that sells a service with a membership fee, automatic reoccurring payments, etc. should be strapped to chairs, handed smartphones, and given the task of cancelling payments and providing refunds through their own sites.  If they can't cancel a payment or request a refund through their own apps within five minutes, every minute thereafter should result in one month in prison.  If it's not possible to do either of these tasks through their sites, they should serve a year in prison.  If the site claims that it is possible but does not actually provide a way to do it, they should serve life sentences.  That would fix problems like this quickly.  Someone seeking high political office- Run with this.  You've got my vote.

I made a modest suggestion on 

The mouth-watering, life-shortening diet of Hampton Beach NH

If your mouth waters at the smell of deep-fried Everything Except Maybe Ice Cream* then I suppose that yes, walking along the boardwalk at Hampton Beach in New Hampshire is "mouth watering." But if you don't turn your brain off before going on vacation, you'll avoid most of the Cheap Except for the Cost "food" being offered from the holes in the wall that pass for restaurants.   Your heart and other organs will thank you for ignoring your stomach's attempt to kill you.

Anyway, this is where I'll be until next Saturday night.  Enjoy the archives until then!

*Yes, you can get deep-fried ice cream at Hampton Beach.  And Snicker's Bars.  And vegetables- going on vacation is no excuse to stop eating your vegetables (major eyeroll.)

John Denver's signature song deserves a better makeover than this one

 

...but I'm not a songwriter, so....

Once was heaven

West Virginia

Miners, Farms and Veterans 

Voted for Dukakis

Western Virginia

wouldn't break away

formed its own community

demanded its own say

Somethin' happened

In the passing of the years

place got mean and stupid

forgot its soul and history, left with just its tears

No country road

to take me home

starvation wages

always need a loan

West Virginia

Racist Propaganda

can't go home

no country road

'headin down to Braxton

search for the old farm

now it's just a strip mall

place has lost it's charm

tried to go home

paved highway

couldn't find

where I used to stay

West Virginia

sliced up mountains

toxic waste dumps

brown and slimy rivers

Life feels old here

what happened to the trees?

Chopped up for the lumber mills

buried by the sleaze

No country road

to take me home

land of potholes

makes me groan

West Virginia

no future agenda

no country road

to take me home

Once was heaven

West Virginia

cruisin'  77

MAGA everywhere

Once we were proud of

our love of Liberty

vote like Mississippi

look like New Jersey

Can't go home

no country road

pavement and dollar stores

lines at E-Z Loan

Stuck in the past

Head up it's a$$

can't go home

no country road

Anyone understand the woman in this Rinvoq Ad?

 

Better yet, anyone understand why the people who are with her at the beach are with her at the beach?  She comes off as a weirdly competitive woman who more than anything else needs treatment for her Main Character Syndrome. 

I mean, look at her- she's psyching herself up for what turns out to be a casual pick-up game of volleyball on the beach.  In the first few seconds, I thought it was going to be revealed that this game was being broadcast on ESPN or something, but no- that intense look in her face, followed up by the equally intense look she gives to her teammates in the huddle just before the game starts (the group of friends on the other side of the net must be thinking "what the hell...oh, it's that insane woman again, the one who thinks something's at stake here.  I hate when she shows up, she sucks all the fun out of this,) and her WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS expression at the end- good lord, woman, what is your issue?

And then we see her dominating the conversation around the beach fire we always see in commercials featuring beaches regardless of the fact that the vast majority of beaches in the United States don't allow open fires (so this is a private beach?  How relatable,) probably explaining to her "friends" how she won the game with that move to earn Point 18 and how they really need more practice.  We see her friends laughing but because we're supposed to be distracted by the pretty music and pretty faces we can't hear what they're laughing at, but we can guess they are patronizing her until she decides she needs her Recovery Rest and leaves so they can spend the rest of the night chuckling about the super-competitive freak who simply refuses to have fun at the beach.