The most unintentionally funny part of the radio ads is when we hear a guy say "my mechanic recommended Ox Car Care." Why is this line so funny?
1. Why would a mechanic recommend any car warranty at all? Mechanics- like any other provider of services- like to deal directly with customers. Why would any recommend a middle man? Do mechanics LIKE additional paperwork? How is this better than getting handed a credit card by the customer to pay for the repair?
2. Why would a mechanic recommend OX CAR CARE? Do mechanics like having to go back to customers to say "sorry, that work I did for you will not be covered by this non-insurance insurance?" Do they LIKE having repaired cars sitting in their lot? Do they LIKE not getting paid for work done, unable to pay for parts and labor because a scammy warranty "service" and the customer keep insisting that the other is responsible? Now imagine being the mechanic who recommended Ox Car Care- how do you then turn around and insist that the customer pay for a repair that is not covered by the COMPANY YOU RECOMMENDED?
Oh wait, maybe you own a big lot and your real business is charging storage fees? Maybe this conspiracy is deeper than I thought?
Most of the commercials I review simply Shouldn't Be. Because they are dumb and don't actually "sell" anything. They just waste time and burn brain cells and make us all a little bit more stupid. Beyond that, they are pretty harmless.
What's different about these E*TRADE Baby Commercials is not only that they Shouldn't Be, but that they Shouldn't Be Legal. The children being digitally superimposed over CGI can't consent to the use of their images. They don't agree to being made laughing stocks for the economic benefit of their parents. They don't consent to have thoughts they don't have about a subject they can't comprehend be attributed to their images. In short, they are being exploited. I'm pretty sure that there's a word for this.
As to the glue-sniffers who enjoy this garbage; I have nothing for you but contempt. Get a life.
One shot a week,* plus diet and exercise, and you can lose 20 lbs. in six months.
One stone in the pot, plus water, vegetables, and a little meat, will make a great soup.
One rabbit's foot, plus careful planning and caution, will prevent accidents and bring "good luck."
I could go on. I don't think I have to.
*there's something in the small print about the "impact on humans" being "unknown." I'm assuming it's talked about the drug contained in the once-a-week injection, because the impact of diet and exercise on the body has been well-known for quite some time.
These people aren't afraid of the "F" word, and their hatred of the "F" word is misplaced.
What they fear and hate is the "R" word- Responsibility. Also the "O" word- Obligation.
They worship the "V" word- Victimhood. And the "D" word- Deflection.
These people think it's cruel and unfair that they are expected to live up to the terms of signed contracts d to pay a certain amount of money each month for a certain number of years, at the end of which they would own those big beautiful homes that they gladly moved into. They snap like starving bass at any company that will call them victims of "Predatory Lenders" because sure they were legal adults but that print was really really small and that house looked so nice and all they wanted was to live the American Dream plus they Deserve It Because Reasons.
Having proven themselves easily-manipulated victims of their own gullibility, the LoanMod Hotline looks like a super-attractive way of escaping the legal agreements they freely entered into as a way of keeping the houses they never could really afford.
Oh, and what is "something that they can afford?" It's another "R" word - "Rent"- that of course was not good enough for them because They Deserve Better, again Because Reasons.
The dystopian universe in which this unassuming donut shop exists includes a small business that is so successful in its sale of a 100 percent unnecessary, at least 90 percent unhealthy product that people are lined up around the block to purchase. A successful business that nonetheless has zero relationship with an actual bank and has to go to some sketchy online-only loan company to get some extra operating cash.
A business that is successful despite the fact that it appears to be operated by two total schmucks too cheap to even hire cashiers so they can tend to the more important operations. Yeah, the co-owners of the company are handling the transfer of goods to the public; sure, that's how it works. And interrupting the sales to apply for a loan. Because Brains and Time-Management Skills are not needed in this universe.
Except for the broken glass and possibly injured customers, its hard to see how OnDeck can beat the "Loan Falcon," which flies in to drop money without even getting a signature on a contract in return. If the money is right, I'll clean up the glass, and it really doesn't look like anyone got hurt, so no harm done in that regard- I'm picking Loan Falcon to drop free money on me. Heck, I'll take Loan Falcon over a legitimate BANK loan. Who wouldn't? Maybe these two idiots, because they are from the generation that thinks if it isn't provided through the tapping of a screen on a phone or at least a tablet, it's Your Grandfather's loan options and totally lame, yo.
...although, to the writer's credit, it was repeated at least once.
That word is "inaccurate," as in "inaccurate lines on your credit report can hurt your score" and "we can help remove inaccurate reports that damage your credit." This is the ONLY thing that "Credit Repair" companies can do that will help improve one's credit score.
The problem is that for the vast majority of people who are attracted to ads like this (I'm going to throw my guess of 99.99 percent,) their poor credit score has nothing to do with "errors" or "inaccuracies" and are instead completely justifiable by a fair audit of their finances and history of borrowing. In life, things happen- unexpected medical bills, loss of job, etc.- which can damage one's credit but should not be used to condemn the victims of these events. This does not however change the fact that the dings on the credit report created by these events are completely accurate and, more to the point, can't be smoothed over or erased by this or any other "Credit Repair" company.
Also- if there are false reports that are damaging your credit score, you can get them fixed yourself without hiring a "Credit Repair" company. So- if your credit is fixable, you can fix it yourself. If it's not fixable, no company can fix it. Bottom Line: there is no legitimate market for "Credit Repair" services.
But just as dopey rubes don't hear the word "proof" or "tribute" when watching pitches for medallions that look like 1883 silver coins or hear the word "covered repairs" when hearing pitches for crap non-auto warranties, I bet a lot of people don't hear the word "inaccurate" when watching this ad. We're good at not hearing what we don't want to hear. Just like we're good at pretending to have money we really don't have. We're funny like that. Funny, and Stupid.
As late as the Reagan Era, Hollywood could produce movies in which career women learn the error of their ways and come to appreciate the simple pleasures of Motherhood, giving up the rat race for raising a child and dating the local veterinarian who is also Sam Shepard. Ok then. So why is this film so eye-rollingly insulting to anyone paying attention?
1. Babies can be left to virtual strangers living on the other side of the planet through the simple use of a Last Will and Testament. Diane Keaton's character "inherits" a baby because she's the closest living relative and that's just the way it works so shut up and be glad that this only happens in movies and you don't really have to worry that your distant cousins whom you've never met have assigned children you also haven't met to you. It's not going to happen. I don't think.
2. Super-sharp "Tiger Lady" business woman buys a house totally unseen in a place she's never been and leaves the city to go live in that house without getting it inspected or securing any kind of warranty.
3. Turns out that she's moved into what I wanted to call a Hallmark Channel version of a Vermont town, except that this film predates the first version of the Hallmark Channel by six years. So instead, I'm going to call Baby Boom the inspiration for every Hallmark Channel Vermont Town. Drawling yokel locals, a veterinarian who is also the local doctor, idiot tourists buying everything that has Made In Vermont stamped on it- oh wait, that part is accurate...
4. Diane Keaton's character supposedly made big-time money in New York that allowed her to reside in a massive Manhattan apartment, but in a manner of months after moving to Vermont she's dead broke. How much did she pay for that house where a few thousand dollars in repairs leaves her destitute?
5. Remember how Diane Keaton's character was supposed to be a razor-sharp businesswoman who ran multiple ad campaigns at the same time in NYC? Well, maybe it's the weather or the lack of skyscrapers or something because when she decides she wants to try to sell boiled applesauce labeled "baby food" she goes to the local library to ask for all the material they have on consumer trends and baby boomers, exactly as if she were a single mom with absolutely zero experience in the business world. Why isn't she just putting her education to work? Why is she behaving like she has no idea how to sell a product when that was literally HER JOB back in NYC?
6. This character doesn't need information on consumerism or the spending habits of baby boomers. She needs information concerning health codes and why the Food and Drug Administration tends to frown on the mass production of food products in home kitchens, especially when those kitchens are in homes with unreliable water sources and holes in the roof. Child Protective Services might also be interested in a woman who takes a baby out on a rowboat with neither she nor the baby wearing lifejackets. The local Psych ward might also be interested in talking to her when they realize that she's regularly leaving her baby alone while she takes an obvious plastic doll out on the lake...
7. Ok, exactly how much time passes between this woman inheriting this baby, quitting her job, moving to Vermont, establishing a business, seeing that business become front-page news throughout the nation, and ultimately becoming SO successful that she's offered a ridiculously generous contract by her old employers? It SEEMS to take a while, since she arrives in Vermont in what looks like summertime, survives a winter, and later goes to a dance clearly set in autumn- but that baby doesn't seem to age a single day for the entire length of the film. She can't crawl or stand or talk when we first meet her and there's no evidence she can do any of those things at the end. So what is going on here? Why isn't this baby aging AT ALL? Did Diane Keaton quit her job in NYC on Monday, move to Vermont on Tuesday, break under the strain of modest home repair on Wednesday, start selling apple sauce on Thursday, hit the cover of The Wall Street Journal on Friday and get her huge offer back in NYC the next day? Should I just ignore what appears to be the passage of time presented in a montage and figure that in her case "Overnight Success" is a literal truth?
Siskel and Ebert, may they RIP, gave this film two thumbs-up. They found it funny and engaging and forgave the fact that it's dripping with twee throughout. So did I, when I first saw it. But my ability to suspend my sense of disbelief has faded with age, and there's too much here that is dumb, predictable and, yes, Contrived. Maybe the biggest problem with this film is that it's So Damn 80s I can't just turn my brain off and go with it anymore. I suggest that anyone who wants to revisit this schlock spend a week watching Christmas-themed Hallmark films first in order to smooth out your brain and prepare it for this particular package of predictable pablum.
